


Going Further

by Cherry (crazylove)



Series: Better Days [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bulimia, Canon Universe, Concerts, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, First Time, Future Fic, Gen, JohnJae are together, M/M, NCT 127 2021 Tour, NCT 127 Ensemble - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Relapse, Sex, There’s MarkWoo in this, Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 58,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28950891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazylove/pseuds/Cherry
Summary: Five months after Jungwoo returns to the team after his treatment program, NCT 127 leaves to start their next concert tour in America. Jungwoo isn't as excited as he thinks he should be, especially when they are being followed by sasaengs and crazed fans. But Jungwoo is determined to keep it together, by any means necessary....Trigger Warning for bulimia, recreational drug use and drug abuse.
Series: Better Days [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123433
Comments: 48
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a sequel to Good Enough (https://archiveofourown.org/works/28237896) and Under Pressure (https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449960). In those stories, Jungwoo develops bulimia and Jaehyun does his best to look after him. They take place from approximately Dec 2020 to April 2021. This story picks up in Nov 2021.
> 
> It's a bit self-indulgent wish fulfillment because I want NCT 127 to tour in the US this year! But I bet this is as close as I'm going to get.
> 
> TW: drug use

“ _Hana, dul, set_ —” Taeyong counted them down. Jungwoo bowed his head with the others and chanted the familiar greeting.

“Hi, we are NCT 127!” He finished with the others, straightening up, his hair brushing back on his head.

“USA! America!” Johnny yelled from the back row, just to the right of Taeyong, who was positioned front row center. “We missed you.”

“We can’t wait to be reunited with our CZennies in the United States!” Mark said.

“Did you miss us?” Yuta said, with a wink.

“Let’s get it!” Haechan cheered.

“Starting on November 12th, we will be coming to a city near you,” Jaehyun said, in his deep, soothing voice. Jungwoo found himself staring. “Will we see you there, our NCTzens?”

There was a pause.

The teleprompter flashed Jungwoo’s line, written out in Korean and English even though he was supposed to speak English like everyone else: _We can’t wait to see you!_

Jungwoo realized it too late. He missed his cue. He didn’t say anything.

“And cut!” the director said, looking frustrated. “Why didn’t you say it?” His eyes narrowed in on Jungwoo. Jungwoo swallowed.

“Sorry,” he said.

“Should we change it to Korean?” the director asked, not kindly. This was the third time Jungwoo flubbed the line.

“No, you can do English, Jungwoo,” Johnny said, looking over at Jungwoo encouragingly. They were all looking at him. They’d been in this small room for half an hour, cramped together in front of the huge promotional poster for their Neo City: USA – The Return tour trying to make a 30 second greetings video for their social media accounts.

Jungwoo screwed it up every time.

“Let’s take a break, Director-nim,” Taeyong said, stepping out of their tight formation and giving a bow. He turned to face the team. “Ten minutes,” he said, holding up both his hands.

Everyone started to scatter. Jungwoo was in the back, second to the end, so he had to wait for Yuta to shuffle over before he could take a step. Jungwoo saw Jaehyun turn around to look at him but at the same time, he heard Taeyong’s voice.

“Jungwoo, can I talk to you?” Taeyong asked, lightly. It didn’t take long until everyone had left the room. Jungwoo slid between two of the chairs up front and went to stand in front of his leader. Taeyong handed him a bottle of water. Jungwoo fiddled with the cap.

“How are you doing?” Taeyong asked him. It was a question he got a lot nowadays.

“Fine,” Jungwoo answered. It was an answer he gave a lot.

“Are you tired?” Taeyong asked, peering up at him.

Jungwoo shook his head. “I’ll get it next time, hyung,” he promised. “I’m sorry.”

Taeyong patted his arm. “I know you will. You’re doing well, Jungwoo… don’t think that you’re not. I just wanted to check in. You seem kind of distracted.”

Jungwoo shook his head again. “No… I’m fine. I promise. I’m sorry.” He made a face. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Everybody makes mistakes,” Taeyong said. “If we get it on the next take, we can get out of here, okay?”

Jungwoo nodded. But Jungwoo knew that Taeyong didn’t mean they could go home. He meant that they could go back to the rehearsal hall where they had been practicing for their concert. There was only a week to go and they were working up to their final dress rehearsal and full run-through before they left for America. Everything was happening so fast. They only got the final permissions to have the concerts six weeks ago and it had been a flurry of activity since then, on the heels of their latest comeback. Jungwoo hadn’t had more than a few hours of sleep at night in a couple of months.

Taeyong left as Jaehyun and Johnny were coming over. They were always together now. As they should be. Johnny was Jaehyun’s boyfriend. Jungwoo was only Jaehyun’s roommate.

Johnny and Jaehyun did invite Jungwoo out with them quite often but Jungwoo had quickly become bored of being the third wheel.

He supported Jaehyun’s relationship. He loved both of them. But that didn’t mean Jungwoo was thrilled to see it.

He couldn’t help his feelings.

Jungwoo uncapped his water bottle and took a sip.

“Hey,” Jaehyun said, wrapping an arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders. Johnny stood beside them. Jaehyun offered Jungwoo a bite of his granola bar. Jungwoo shook his head.

“We have a proposition,” Johnny said.

“What’s that, hyung?” Jungwoo asked, because he was supposed to. Not because he was necessarily interested.

“Once we get out of here because I know you’re going to nail the next take,” Johnny said, flashing Jungwoo a cheesy smile. “Let’s go get a burger. We have an hour dinner break.”

Jungwoo shook his head. “I can’t,” he said.

“You’re not eating?” Jaehyun asked him, looking alarmed already. Jungwoo almost sighed.

“No,” Jungwoo said. “I have a session. You know with my therapist. I didn’t get to talk to him this week.”

Jungwoo watched Jaehyun visibly relax. “Oh, that’s good,” Jaehyun said. “Yeah, we’ve been rehearsing during your usual time.”

“Do you want us to bring you something?” Johnny asked.

“I’ll order in.” Jungwoo held up his phone with a little smile. Jaehyun gave his shoulders a squeeze and Johnny patted his back.

Jungwoo had been in treatment for his eating disorder for months and it was mostly going well.

But there was one skill Jungwoo had learned from bulimia that treatment hadn’t completely taken away.

How easy it was to lie.

*

Jungwoo didn’t throw up anymore.

Not really.

A couple of times. His doctor said that was normal. He went a long time after the treatment program before it happened again. He thought he had been totally cured, but one night when he was alone he couldn’t stop himself. Jungwoo was honest about it at his next therapy session. Dr. Lim said relapse was common. They worked on his triggers. They talked about coping strategies.

Jungwoo didn’t tell anyone else.

The second time—a couple of weeks ago at the rehearsal hall after practice—he didn’t tell Dr. Lim. It was normal, so no need to bring it up. It was just… a mistake.

He wasn’t going to do it again.

Besides, everyone was always watching him now. He thought it would calm down a few weeks after he got back but it hadn’t yet. The team was watching him through every meal, making sure he ate all his food. Then they watched him after the meal to make sure he didn’t go to the bathroom for a long time. He felt self-conscious whenever he had to take a shit. He knew they meant well but sometimes it really sucked.

He didn’t mean to make them worry.

Jungwoo remembered the meeting he had with management after he got back from the treatment program. Their entire management and executive team was there. They asked him how he felt. They had gotten reports from his doctors that cleared him to return to the group.

Jungwoo’s stomach had been knots the entire time. Sometimes they talked about him like he wasn’t in the room. But then their head manager fixed his eyes straight on him. Jungwoo stared as the manager said that being an idol wasn’t for everyone. Some people just couldn’t handle it. There were first chances and second chances, but there weren’t third chances. Maybe Jungwoo wasn’t meant for this career and that was okay. There were other options out there for him.

The manager said this like it was a kind thing.

Jungwoo knew it was a warning. No, it was an ultimatum.

_If you go crazy again, we’re not bringing you back._

There were many other members and many other trainees, waiting and ready to step into NCT 127 should they lose a member. Should Jungwoo be asked or forced to permanently leave.

Jungwoo was totally replaceable. He knew that.

He lived with that reality every day.

He wasn’t going to let them replace him.

That’s why he kept most things to himself. When anyone asked him, he was fine. He worked harder. He had to if he was going to be just like everyone else.

Normal.

He worked really hard to be normal.

And he was successful.

Most of the time.

“One of your major triggers is anxiety,” Dr. Lim told him during their sessions. “Keep your anxiety and stress levels in check.”

Jungwoo nodded. Yes, it was so easy to just not have anxiety. Mind over matter. Dr. Lim taught him techniques to step out of anxiety spirals, how to deal with panic attacks, how to talk through specific situations that made him anxious.

What if sometimes his anxiety was triggered by stepping on that stage, in front of that camera?

What if sometimes his anxiety was triggered by his _entire job_?

Jungwoo hadn’t quite figured that out yet.

It was easy at the treatment program. Jungwoo didn’t have to worry about anything. Everyone understood him there. They weren’t all bulimic. Some people were anorexic, some were binge eaters, some were cutters, some were addicted to pills, somewhere all of the above and some had issues that Jungwoo couldn’t quite name. But they all felt the same. They had the same goal.

They were looking for a sense of control.

They were looking for a way not to be hurt by their own thoughts anymore.

It was unexpected, but Jungwoo made a lot of friends, even though everyone else at the treatment center was a woman. Jungwoo laughed more than he thought he would, even when he was crying. He enjoyed the simplicity of the program. All he had to think about was listening to his friends, eating all his food at the assigned times, and getting better. He didn’t have practice or performances. He didn’t have management or fans demanding so much of him. He didn’t have to worry about letting his team down. 

It was a really nice break.

He felt like it was a time to heal.

Jungwoo didn’t return to the team right away, even after the 30-day in-patient program. He took some time to get establish his routine with his therapist and spend time at home. He stayed on the treatment center’s routine of three meals a day and two snacks, with no excessive exercise or throwing up. As a result, he ended up gaining some weight. He could tell the company wasn’t pleased, but no one said anything.

Jungwoo tried not to think about it.

They started comeback prep a few weeks after Jungwoo rejoined the team in July. Management gave him a lot of lines in their comeback songs. Jungwoo didn’t know if they were trying to challenge him or congratulate him. But it gave Jungwoo something to really focus on. He wanted to prove that he deserved to be part of the team. He worked really hard.

Jungwoo nailed his part in the comeback.

They got an all-kill in their first week. Then came the endless music shows, the variety shows, filming for their YouTube channel, Vlives, more and more practice.

Last minute, the company announced they’d be going on tour. Everyone was so excited that, finally, life was back to normal. They could go outside without masks. They would see their Czennies again.

They started having endless fansigns, in person and virtually. They prepared for their concerts. They had surprising busking sessions. They did an in-person fanmeet. Their world tour was mapped out, but concert restrictions in Korea hadn’t quite lifted yet. So the tour was starting in America.

They all got their vaccines. They were Covid tested once a week.

Now, in a week, there were going to spend three weeks performing 8 concerts in the United States.

All this work. All this preparation.

And Jungwoo couldn’t say his stupid line for a 30 second Twitter video.

He had to get it together. Just like always, there was no room for failure.

Jungwoo took a walk around the building. Dr. Lim said walks were good when you needed to destress. He needed to be better about his mediation too. He was supposed to do thirty minutes a day. It was so hard with their current schedule.

Everything had been slipping. Even his sessions with Dr. Lim. They had been meeting 3 times a week, then twice a week. A month ago, they switched to once a week but Jungwoo had only seen him one time because he was always rehearsing. Jungwoo kind of wished he did have a call with Dr. Lim tonight.

 _Focus_ , Jungwoo told himself, closing his eyes. _You’ve got this. Don’t screw things up anymore, Jungwoo._

When Jungwoo came back to the filming room, everyone else was already there. Jungwoo stretched, twisting his torso side to side. He tried to ignore the eyes on him. He kept smiling.

He was so tired.

“Let’s get it right this time,” the director said as they set up the cameras. “Work hard.”

“Hi, we’re NCT 127!”

Jungwoo waited, listening, and trying his best to cheer with everyone else at the appropriate moment.

“We can’t wait to see you!” he finally spit out.

The filming continued. They finished up their video with a lot of clapping and whooping. Yuta grabbed Jungwoo’s shoulder hard and shook it playfully while Jungwoo tried not to wince.

“Okay!” the director yelled. “That’s a wrap.”

This time everyone cheered for real. Their dinner break started immediately, so everyone ran off, either to the SM cafeteria or out to eat one of the nearby restaurants. Jaehyun waved at him.

Jungwoo grabbed his bag and headed upstairs to the SM offices.

He just wanted to be away from everyone.

He didn’t want to eat anything.

Jungwoo remembered when he used to come up here to eat and throw up into plastic bags. He was so messed up back then. Jungwoo wasn’t going back to that place. He was stronger than that now.

At least, he really hoped so.

Sometimes Jungwoo wished he could contact his friends from the treatment program. He got these crazy thoughts, these crazy urges and he knew they were the only ones that could understand. But he’d been there under strict anonymity, so no one was allowed to exchange information with him. Everyone at the center had to sign NDAs. He didn’t get to attend their online support groups or anything in the aftercare program. Jungwoo knew that SM couldn’t afford to let it slip that one of their perfect NCT members had an eating disorder or any real problems at all. He understood, but he missed his support from the treatment program so much. He didn’t have anyone to talk to about this but Dr. Lim. And Dr. Lim didn’t understand like they did because Dr. Lim had never been bulimic.

He knew he could talk to Jaehyun or Johnny or Taeyong or one of the other guys, but they wouldn’t understand either. And they’d get really worried.

Thinking about this always made Jungwoo feel alone.

That’s why it was best to swallow these feelings down.

Dr. Lim told him to be grateful. After all, Jungwoo was doing much better than most guys his age. Dr. Lim made sure to remind him of that. Some guys his ages were struggling to find any job. It wasn’t easy to find a good job in Korea. Dr. Lim told Jungwoo to remember how fortunate he was. He told him to think about how silly it was to purposefully throw up food when so many people out there didn’t have any food to eat at all. Jungwoo knew it was selfish and dumb.

 _Don’t be so pathetic, Jungwoo_ , was what he was sure Dr. Lim wanted to say.

It was a battle that Jungwoo fought every day.

*

The rest of the week flew by. Just like that, they were finishing up their final rehearsal before they left for America. They worked until around 1am. Their flight to America left at 10am.

“Okay, everyone,” Their tour manager said as they all stood around, sweaty and breathless. “You are to report downstairs by 7am sharp. If you’re late, you’re not going to America.”

“Did you pack?” Taeyong asked everyone. Jungwoo had not packed, of course. He couldn’t seem to find time to get around to it. That was probably a mistake.

“Bags, passports and you,” their tour manager said. “7am. No excuses. Now, room assignments for America.”

Jungwoo straightened up, pressing his hands on the top of his head, still trying to catch his breath. He hadn’t realized they were changing roommates on tour.

“Taeyong, single room. Haechan and Taeil. Yuta and Doyoung. Mark and Jungwoo. Jaehyun and Johnny.”

“Hyung, I’m the best roommate in the world!” Haechan declared, jumping on Taeil’s back immediately while Taeil yelped. Everyone burst into noise, talking about roommates, talking about the plane ride, talking about packing and all the things they still had to do before they left in 6 hours.

“I hope it’s okay?” Jaehyun said, standing beside Jungwoo suddenly and speaking in a low voice. “I mean… I can always switch and be roommates with you. Johnny wouldn’t mind.”

Jungwoo looked at Jaehyun and shook his head. “It’s fine,” he said, quickly. “You should room with Johnny.”

He expected Jaehyun to say more, maybe even argue, but Jaehyun only pushed Jungwoo’s hair back and smiled at him, affectionately. “You’re doing so well, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said. “We’re going to have fun on tour.”

Jungwoo smiled the best he could.

Why wouldn’t Jaehyun want to get away from him the first chance he got? 

Jaehyun had been there through everything. Even after Jungwoo came back, Jaehyun didn’t leave him alone for a long time. They ate all their meals together. They hung out after practice together. Jaehyun used to spend more nights with Jungwoo instead of Johnny and sometimes they both slept in Jaehyun’s bed if they fell asleep watching a movie or something.

Sometimes Jungwoo pretended to fall asleep just to stay in Jaehyun’s bed with him.

He knew he should get over his crush. Jaehyun was with Johnny and it was stupid. Plus, it was disrespectful to them both. Johnny and Jaehyun had helped him so much. But feelings didn’t just go away. It was hard. Jungwoo knew nothing was ever going to happen but there was a part of him that wished that maybe….

Jungwoo didn’t tell Dr. Lim about this either.

But Jungwoo’s time with Jaehyun didn’t last. These days, Jungwoo was sleeping alone in their room more often than not. Jaehyun never asked Jungwoo to leave the room so he could be with Johnny. Jungwoo didn’t know where they went. It really wasn’t any of his business.

Jungwoo guessed he did a good job of showing Jaehyun that he was all better.

Jaehyun barely wanted to spend time with him anymore.

Jungwoo told himself it was fine. Just part of recovery. He was better now. Did he really want Jaehyun to stay with him forever just because he was a pathetic mess?

 _It would be nice if Jaehyun wanted to stay with me just because I’m me_ , a small voice in Jungwoo’s head said.

But Jungwoo knew that was never going to happen. He wasn’t good enough for Jaehyun, anyway.

“Hey, roomie,” Mark said, poking Jungwoo on the arm and out of his thoughts. Jungwoo looked over at him. “Did you pack?”

Jungwoo shook his head.

“Me neither,” Mark said, eyes wide. “We’re like so screwed. Let’s pack together so we can share stuff? Do you have shampoo? I’m out.”

Jungwoo laughed and took Mark’s arm. “They have shampoo in America,” he said.

“There’s too many kinds!”

No one even pretended like they were going to get sleep that night. All of the lights were on and Yuta was the DJ, pumping music through the 10th floor dorm. Taeil even ordered pizza at 4am. Jungwoo knew he shouldn’t, but he had pizza with them.

Jaehyun was already packed and his suitcase was in Johnny’s room so he spent the night over there. Jungwoo didn’t mind for once. He and Mark took over Jungwoo’s whole room, laying their suitcases on the floor and their piles of clothes and stuff on the bed so they could sift through them and compare while they packed.

“It’s cold in the US but it’s like… warm, too? In November?” Mark said, holding up a t-shirt to his chest. “Should I bring this? Where is it warm?”

“Texas,” Jungwoo answered. “Atlanta. California.”

“How is it cold and warm? I don’t understand.”

Jungwoo laughed, snatching the t-shirt out of Mark hands. “Pack it! I want to wear it.”

“I’m sooooooo stressed,” Mark said, raking a hand through his hair. “Should I bring my guitar?”

“No!” Jungwoo said, laughing as Mark threw a pillow at him.

“How many shoes?” Mark asked. “How many are you bringing?”

“One pair of boots, one pair of sneakers, one pair of slides and the shoes I wear on the plane,” Jungwoo said. Mark’s eyes widened.

“Oh wow, that’s so many. I’m bringing like… one. You’re wearing shoes on the plane?”

They were only allowed one suitcase each. After hours of contemplation and discussion and strategizing, they finally finished packing. Jungwoo sat on Mark’s suitcase so he could close it.

“Wait,” Mark said, after he finally tugged his zipper close. “How will I bring anything back?”

They collapsed on Jungwoo’s bed, laughing together.

“We have a half hour before we have to leave,” Mark groaned. “Oh shit, I’m so tired.”

“Me too,” Jungwoo said. Mark was sprawled out next to him on the bed. Jungwoo turned on his side and curled up against Mark, pressing his face against Mark’s shoulder and draping an arm around him. It was so different cuddling with Mark instead of Jaehyun. Mark was smaller and thinner and wiggled more. But Jungwoo still liked it.

“Wake me up when we get to America,” Mark mumbled.

“You wake me up,” Jungwoo said.

“Not if I fall asleep first.”

“Not if I fall asleep,” Jungwoo mumbled back. His eyes were closed. Mark smelled like sweat and deodorant. They both hadn’t showered after rehearsal. That was the second bad idea of the night. Jungwoo didn’t think Mark smelled bad. He kind of liked it. Still, it probably wasn’t polite to get on a 14-hour flight without showering.

“Mark—” Jungwoo poked Mark’s side. Mark jumped.

“Jungwoo…” Mark moaned, half-asleep.

“We have to shower,” Jungwoo said. “We have 20 minutes.”

“I can’t do it,” Mark whined.

“You smell.”

“I don’t care.” Mark flopped over, rolling away from him. Jungwoo grabbed Mark’s shoulders, tugging him up.

“Mark!” he said, louder. “Come on. What if they write an article about it?”

“A reporter is gonna smell me?” Mark whipped his head around and gave Jungwoo a confused look. They both laughed. Jungwoo slid off the bed and grabbed Mark’s hands. “Come onnnnnn…” He groaned, slowly pulling Mark off the bed until Mark got on his feet. Jungwoo led them down the hallway to the bathroom.

“It’ll be faster if we both go,” Jungwoo said, pulling off his shirt. Mark sighed and followed suit, getting naked with him. The shower wasn’t really made for two people but there was just enough room, especially since Mark was smaller than him.

“I have shampoo,” Jungwoo said, using it to wash Mark’s hair. Mark yawned, washing himself half-heartedly.

Jungwoo had never taken a shower with anyone before. He’d only peeked at Jaehyun when Jaehyun would take a shower while he was in the bathroom. There wasn’t anything erotic about taking this shower with Mark but… Jungwoo did think he had a nice body. Very different than Jaehyun’s, but nice all the same.

Nicer than Jungwoo’s.

Jungwoo knew he should lose 5kgs. He saw it written on a piece of paper once. No one said anything but the stylist frowned while he was taking his measurement for their concert outfits. Jungwoo wasn’t throwing up anymore but he still binged sometimes. Like this pizza just now. That made it harder to lose the weight.

Jungwoo knew he wasn’t supposed to worry about it.

But seeing Mark reminded Jungwoo once again that he didn’t quite fit into this group of perfect guys.

They made it out of the shower, dried off, got dressed, grabbed their suitcases, and hustled downstairs, making it to the lobby with one minute to spare.

None of the 5th floor members were there, including Jaehyun.

“What the hell?” Yuta said, rolling his eyes. “I didn’t paint my nails for this?”

Half an hour later, they were on their way to the airport. Jungwoo stared out of the window while Mark slept against his shoulder. The van was dead. Everyone was asleep. Johnny was snoring.

It was peaceful.

Jungwoo didn’t know why he felt so riled up.

It had been a long time since Jungwoo had performed in a concert. All the virtual concerts didn’t count. They finally started seeing fans again during music shows and fanmeets. Jungwoo found it made him nervous. In America, they would be seeing even more.

But that wasn’t why he was feeling uneasy.

Jungwoo glanced back at Jaehyun, sleeping against Johnny in the back. He looked out of the window again. He bet Jaehyun wouldn’t even miss not being roommates with him. He was probably glad. Maybe when they got back, Jaehyun would move in with Johnny, permanently.

Jungwoo pressed his forehead against the cool glass.

Old snow littered the side of the street. They’d gotten their first snowfall right after Halloween. It had been over a year since Jungwoo left Korea. He didn’t know if he wanted to.

He was sure everyone was so excited to get back on the road and meet their fans.

Why didn’t Jungwoo feel that way?

 _Being an idol isn’t for everyone._ The manager’s words echoed in his ears.

Jungwoo tried to ignore it.

The airport was busy and chaotic as usual. They were immediately swarmed by fans and screaming and cameras as soon as they stepped out of the van. Jungwoo had his mask on, his sunglasses on, his hat on and his hood down but it didn’t shield him enough. The fans were everywhere, right next to his face, shouting things he couldn’t understand. Security shoved them away, yelling at the fans. There was so much screaming. Jungwoo wanted to plug his fingers in his ears and try to go to sleep.

They were hustled quickly through airport security, but the camera shutters continued. A smaller group of fans followed them past security, not even trying to hide their long lenses and hungry faces. It had always been like this, but ever since they started resuming activities after the pandemic, the problem had gotten even worse. Sasaeng fans seemed to be everywhere. Quite a few of them were following them to America. Jungwoo guessed that since they’d been stuck at home for a year, they’d saved up all their money and airlines miles or whatever. He tried to ignore them. They did not want to be ignored.

The group split up. They didn’t have time to go to the first-class lounge so some of the guys went to get coffee at Starbucks and some of them stayed at the gate. Jungwoo sat at the gate by himself. He slumped low and pulled his hat down over his eyes. He tried to close his eyes. He tried to relax.

His phone buzzed.

KakaoTalk message from Jaehyun. _Want anything from Starbucks?_

Jungwoo held his phone out, typing in his short response. He didn’t want anything, but it was nice of Jaehyun to ask.

He looked up when he heard the sharp click-click-click-click of a camera shutter.

Jungwoo turned his head. He stared right down the barrel of a long white camera lens pointed right at him.

The girl behind the camera peeked her head around to look at him. She stared at him boldly.

She wasn’t that close to him but Jungwoo heard her clearly.

“I don’t get much for pictures of him,” she said. It sounded like she was talking to Jungwoo but he knew she wasn’t. “But Jaehyun’s KakaoTalk ID is worth a fortune.”

Jungwoo looked down at his phone. He locked his phone too late. With her super zoom, she had probably already seen everything.

Now Jaehyun would have to change his KakaoTalk ID for the fifth time this year.

All because of Jungwoo.

The camera continued to go click-click-click. Jungwoo noticed another girl beside the first one. They both stared at him like a zoo animal. Jungwoo wanted to scream at them. He also couldn’t move.

The cameras started going off double-time. Suddenly, Taeyong was there, pulling Jungwoo to his feet.

“Jungwoo-ah,” he said, staring at Jungwoo but clearly, he had noticed the cameras. “Let’s get out of here.”

He kept his back carefully towards the girls. They took pictures anyway.

Jungwoo followed Taeyong to the bathroom. Taeyong sighed. Jungwoo knew his leader wasn’t going to say anything about it. Taeyong didn’t say much about sasaengs. It felt like an impossible problem without a solution.

“I texted our manager,” Taeyong said, in a low voice. “He’ll shoo them away. Watch my bag, please?” Taeyong slung his bag over Jungwoo’s shoulder gently. Jungwoo watched Taeyong shuffle into a bathroom stall and shut the door. He was moving slowly. Jungwoo thought that was weird. He still felt guilty about how he didn’t support his leader through his back surgery.

Jungwoo stood there awkwardly and took a deep breath. He heard the sasaeng’s voice in his ear.

_I don’t get much for pictures of him._

Worthless, even to their most stalkerish fans.

Jungwoo knew that he should warn Jaehyun, but he didn’t have the strength for it. Besides, Jaehyun would figure it out in a minute when his phone started blowing up with unsolicited calls and messages.

Jungwoo pressed his hands down on the counter and bowed his head. Why couldn’t he be more careful? He wasn’t observant. He spaced out all the time. That’s how they got the pictures of him smoking and spread it around. He wasn’t important. That’s why they decided to attack him with that sexual harassment rumor last summer. Just thinking about it made his stomach hurt.

_I don’t get much for pictures of him._

His whole body was shaking.

Jungwoo raised his head and looked at himself at the mirror. He was honestly surprised at how flushed his face was and the dark circles under his eyes. He didn’t know why he was surprised. He hadn’t gotten any sleep last night and his heart was racing.

It had been racing for a while now.

Their manager would shoo those girls away. But there would be more. Pointing their cameras at him. Waiting for him to either screw up or give them more dirt on the other members. He wasn’t good for anything else. And one day he was really going to give them what they wanted. He was going to freak out, have a panic attack, a mental breakdown and they were going to take pictures. The pictures would be everywhere. The articles would be everywhere. Eyes always on him. Waiting not because they liked him or cared about him but because they wanted to see him destroyed.

Maybe this was why he didn’t want to go to America.

Jungwoo tried to take a deep breath, but his breath caught in his throat. He clutched his hands together to stop the shaking. His heart kept speeding up, preparing Jungwoo for an imaginary fight he had already lost.

He couldn’t deal with this right now.

They were about to get on a plane for 14 hours. They were about to be on tour for three weeks. Jungwoo didn’t have time for this.

Jungwoo glanced at the stalls behind him. He used to have the perfect solution. How easy would it be to just slip away, buy some food and then throw it all up? Jungwoo closed his eyes, remembering the calm that he experienced when he did that. How it instantly took everything away.

No, he told himself. Remember the blood, remember the pain, the fear, the secrets, the crying, the way Jaehyun worried about you and you practically ruined his life. Remember how it’s bad for you. Remember that you promised you wouldn’t do it anymore.

Jungwoo nodded to himself. He promised he wouldn’t do it anymore. He tried to recall what he was supposed to do when he felt like this. What did Dr. Lim say? What did the treatment center say? He tried to take another deep breath. He touched the damp bathroom counter and reminded himself he was in the Incheon Airport bathroom, He needed to ground himself in reality. Nothing was happening to him. He was okay. Dr. Lim told him to picture somewhere that made him happy. Jungwoo thought about being in his bedroom, lying in Jaehyun’s bed—

Taeyong’s bag slipped off his shoulder and fell to the floor.

Jungwoo’s eyes flew open. He quickly pulled Taeyong’s expensive Prada duffle bag off the dirty bathroom floor.

Something in the side pocket rattled.

Jungwoo froze for a moment.

“Jungwoo-ah?” Taeyong called from the bathroom. “You okay?”

Jungwoo almost laughed at the irony of Taeyong asking him if he was okay when Taeyong was the one who was taking forever in the bathroom.

“Yes, hyung,” Jungwoo called back, trying his best to keep his voice steady. “Can I… wait outside?”

“Yeah, sorry, Jungwoo. I’ll be right out.”

Jungwoo stepped in the hallway, which was an offshoot from the main corridor for just the men’s bathroom, so nobody was out there. He was safe from the sasaengs for now.

And other prying eyes.

Jungwoo’s hand was shaking slightly as he reached into the side pocket of Taeyong’s bag.

He pulled out an orange pill bottle. Jungwoo turned it over in his hand, carefully. The bottle looked nearly full of perfectly round white pills. He read the label on the side of the bottle. They were prescribed to Lee Taeyong.

Oxycontin.

Jungwoo knew what these were. Pain killers. The strong kind. Opioids. He didn’t realize Taeyong was still having this type of pain. Taeyong didn’t talk about his back injury much after he returned from his surgery.

Jungwoo thought back to when he was in the treatment program. He remembered some of the women talking about these pills. How they would chew them or crush them and snort them. They said they made them feel relaxed, happy, sleepy and for some, the pills took away their urge to eat. Some of the women were addicted and some of them only took them for fun. But they all missed them. The pills calmed them down instantly.

Jungwoo could use that right about now.

He was on the verge of a full-blown meltdown right before he was about to get on a 14-hour flight to America surrounded by sasaengs.

There was a reason he found these pills.

The universe wanted to give him another chance.

One pill wouldn’t make him addicted. Right?

Taeyong wouldn’t notice one pill was missing.

If the pills worked like the women said, Jungwoo would just fall asleep on the plane. It would be harmless if he only did one.

He’d be able to relax.

He wouldn’t throw up again.

He could keep his promise.

Jungwoo would take one pill. Just this once. Just so he could get on the plane and get to America. In 14 hours, everything would be better. He wouldn’t feel this way anymore.

Just one time. He would only take one pill just this once. Only so he could get to America. Jungwoo promised himself he’d call Dr. Lim as soon as he could. Jungwoo would tell him everything. They’d start over again. Next time, he was going to be better at grounding himself and dealing with his anxiety. But right now, Jungwoo had to go back out there and get on a plane in front of cameras and be normal and he had to do it in about one minute and he couldn’t afford to screw it up.

Jungwoo knew this was the best decision.

He unscrewed the top, fished out one of the pills and slipped it into his mouth.

He bit down. The pill cracked. At first it felt like the crack he heard was his tooth and he froze. After a moment, he realized it was the pill. He crunched down again, wincing. The pill was so hard. He should have tried to suck it or something first. It tasted awful. He gagged. He remembered that they said they chewed the pills to get a better high. He forced himself keep chewing, even as his body was begged him to spit it out. He swallowed it down, a pasty, awful, bitter, choking mess. It was so hard to swallow without any water. He had to keep swallowing hard. He felt the sludge of the pill slithering down and getting lodged in his throat. He actually did gag. He tried swallowing again.

Was this really worth it?

Too late for second thoughts now.

It was done.

Jungwoo slipped Taeyong’s pill bottle back in his side pocket.

He knew he’d done the wrong thing.

Jungwoo massaged the center of his throat with tears in his eyes.

“Jungwoo?” Taeyong slid up beside him. “Sorry about that.” He grabbed his bag. Jungwoo widened his eyes, willing the tears away. _Get it together_ , he told himself. They hadn’t even left yet.

“Manager just texted me. We can get on the plane early.”

Jungwoo followed his leader back out to the gate. The other guys were all shuffling on the plane. They joined the line. The sasaengs were shameless now, with their cameras out in the open as they walked on. But after that, it was over. Jungwoo slipped into his first-class seat and immediately asked for a bottle of water. He gulped it down in almost one go. The rest of the sludge finally slipped down his throat. He leaned back and closed his eyes.

“Did you delete your account?” Jungwoo heard Johnny ask behind him.

“Yeah.” Jaehyun sighed. “There were some pictures I didn’t have saved.”

“I think I have them, baby.” Johnny raised his voice, speaking to them all. “If anyone needs to reach Jaehyun, just text me okay?”

Jungwoo grimaced, watching the girl take that picture of his phone all over again. This was all his fault. His heart was still racing, and it was still hard to catch his breath. When was this pill going to work? Jungwoo was probably immune to everything. Nothing was going to work on him.

One hour later, the plane was in the air.

Jungwoo felt like he was floating, too.

The sensation started slowly, as people began filing on the plane. At first, Jungwoo felt a warmth in the pit of his stomach and then his arms felt a little heavy. His heart finally slowed down. His breathing evened out. The world seemed to cover him like a warm, cozy blanket. One that wouldn’t quite let him get out from under it.

Not that Jungwoo wanted to.

He could stay under the blanket forever.

Jungwoo’s head fell forward and he couldn’t quite control it. His nose was itchy but it didn’t bother him. Even though his head felt heavier, the rest of his body felt lighter. It reminded him of how he used to feel when he was bent over, making himself puke. Like he had accomplished something. Like he could get through anything.

He missed that feeling.

“Can I get you anything?” A flight attendant asked him from above. She seemed far away. Jungwoo managed to shake his head. He felt like he was smiling. He couldn’t tell if he was for sure.

Jungwoo laid his seat all the way back. It reclined into a bed. He didn’t know if his eyes were open or closed but everything was foggy and unfocused. He felt like he was on a cloud or maybe inside of a gentle breeze. Nothing could touch him up here. He lost track of time. He could lose himself here. He didn’t even care.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun’s voice broke through the pleasant fog. Jungwoo was sure he was smiling now. It felt good to hear from him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Jungwoo said. His voice sounded hollow in his ears, like he was speaking through a tunnel. Really, he wanted to back to his cloud.

“Okay…” He felt Jaehyun’s hand brush over his hair. Everyone always wanted to touch Jungwoo like a dog. They didn’t want to touch him any other way. Jungwoo shook his head with a whine.

He drifted off again. All he could see was sky blue behind his eyelids. The flight attendant asked him if he wanted dinner. He couldn’t pull himself out of the fog long enough to respond.

He couldn’t get out from under this blanket. He couldn’t get out of this fog.

It wasn’t scary.

He didn’t want it to end.

“Hey!” Someone was yelling at him now. “Jungwoo!”

Someone shook his shoulders hard. Jungwoo started and opened his eyes, sitting up.

The fog shattered. Jungwoo was not on a cloud. He was on an empty plane with Johnny, Jaehyun, Taeyong and a manager staring down at him. Everyone else was gone. Even the sasaengs with cameras. Even the flight attendants.

“Jungwoo, are you okay?” Johnny asked. “You’ve been passed out the entire flight and they couldn’t even wake you up for the landing.”

Jungwoo blinked, looking around. He still felt out of it. He didn’t think he could talk even though he knew he needed too.

“Jungwoo?” Taeyong asked, softly. Jaehyun took his hand. All these eyes on him. All this judgement. Jungwoo wanted to go back to the cloud.

“I’m fine—” Jungwoo managed to mumble. He pushed himself up, sliding to his feet. Jaehyun reached out to help him, but Jungwoo shook him off.

“I’m fine,” he said in a stronger voice, now that his feet were on the ground. His throat felt dry. He wanted to get off his plane.

“You have to tell us if something is going on,” Johnny said. Everyone was listening. Their manager was right there, probably ready to grab Jungwoo and put him on the first plane back to Korea so he could pack up all his stuff and leave the dorm before the others got back.

Jungwoo couldn’t let that happen.

“I’m fine!” he insisted, looking at Johnny with a glare. Johnny shook his head slowly, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m just tired,” Jungwoo said. His mouth felt a little funny, but he hoped his words were coming out clearly. “I didn’t sleep last night.”

“Okay,” Taeyong said. “Come on, let’s go everyone.”

They walked off the plane, single file. Once they got into the hallway, Jaehyun wrapped his arm around Jungwoo’s waist and walked with him. Jungwoo let Jaehyun hold him up.

“I’m going this way,” Johnny said, pointing down the hallway that led to the line for US citizens. He gave Jaehyun a one-armed hug before he left. Jungwoo got in line with the others and leaned back against Jaehyun. Jaehyun wrapped his arms around Jungwoo from behind.

“You’d let me know if anything was going on with you,” Jaehyun whispered into his ear. “Right?”

Jungwoo nodded. “Yes, hyung,” he whispered.

It was a new day, a new country, a new tour, a new start.

But Jungwoo was still good at lying.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tour Stop #1: New York City

Ironically, once they got to the hotel, Jungwoo was given more pills. Melatonin to get them over jet lag in time for the interviews that would start the next day. The first concert was the day after that.

“Get out and move around,” the tour manager said. “Don’t sleep all day. Sunlight is going to help you.”

Jungwoo felt more normal by the time they got to their hotel. They were staying somewhere on 5th Avenue and they could see Central Park across the street. Their tour manager handed out room keys on the van. Jungwoo tried to ignore the concerned looks he got on the elevator. At least Mark didn’t look at him that way. When they got to their hotel room, Mark ran over to the bed closest to the window and flopped on top of it.

“Okay!” Mark declared. “Let’s sleep for two hours and then go out. I want some pizza. You wanna go to the park?”

Jungwoo went to the bathroom. His face was pale and hair was messy and his lips were chapped. Otherwise, he didn’t look too bad. He didn’t feel bad, either. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to feel like after taking the pill. The people in his program never talked about that part. But he figured he was in the clear. Jungwoo felt relieved.

By the time he left the bathroom, Mark was passed out on his bed. Jungwoo laid down and stared at the ceiling.

He couldn’t sleep.

He stared at the ceiling.

He felt better but there was a pit of unease in the bottom of his stomach that wouldn’t quite go away.

Maybe that was the side effect of the pill.

Jungwoo needed to tell someone. He always knew the right thing to do. It was just hard.

He glanced at his phone. It was noon in New York City which meant it was after midnight in Seoul. He couldn’t call Dr. Lim’s office right now. He’d have to call later.

What would Dr. Lim say?

What if he could get arrested for taking someone else’s pain pill? He knew stuff like that was illegal. Jungwoo swallowed hard. But Dr. Lim said whatever they talked about in their sessions was confidential, so maybe he wouldn’t be reported to the police?

Jungwoo wasn’t sure.

Maybe he wouldn’t talk about the pill. He’d just talk about how he was feeling in the bathroom. How he started feeling so overwhelmed.

_Well, Jungwoo, why aren’t you employing the techniques I taught you? You’ve been in treatment for over 6 months. Why are you still having the same problems? Are you stupid or something? I’m starting to think you don’t deserve all this help. Even the craziest fans don’t care for you. Maybe it would be for the best if you weren’t in the group at all._

Jungwoo closed his eyes tightly. Stop, stop, stop. He needed to take himself out of this. He tried to focus on nothing. He took a deep breath in to a count of five, held it for ten seconds, let it out to a count of five. Repeat. Don’t think of anything at all.

Jungwoo’s phone buzzed.

He opened his eyes.

A text from Lucas.

_Hey. Are you in America?_

Jungwoo stared at the text for a moment. He knew it was after midnight in Beijing.

He called Lucas back anyway.

“Hey, cutie,” Lucas said, answering right away. “How are you?”

“Hi,” Jungwoo said. His voice sounded breathless to his own ears, even though he’d only been sitting on his bed.

“What are you doing?” Lucas asked. He didn’t even act like Jungwoo sounded funny.

“I’m in my hotel room,” Jungwoo replied. “We just got here.”

“How is it?”

“Fine.”

“Man… I’m so jealous. I wanna go to New York, too.”

“I wish you were here,” Jungwoo said. It slipped out but he really did. He hadn’t gotten to see Lucas since he got back from his treatment. While he was gone, all the WayV members moved to China for the remainder of the year to focus on Chinese activities. They were promoting and touring over there. All the other NCT members missed them. It was quite a change to go from a time when all 23 of them were almost always together to 7 of them being a whole country away.

Jungwoo couldn’t help wondering what might have been.

“Me too,” Lucas said. “I want a hot dog. I like buying them off the street.”

Jungwoo laughed a little like he always did when he talked to Lucas.

“They let you put all the toppings you want!” Lucas said, laughing himself. “I wanted to check in and make sure you had a good flight.”

“It was good,” Jungwoo mumbled. No need to mention that he passed out on the plane because he was high from taking Taeyong’s Oxy.

“Good,” Lucas said. “You’re probably tired.”

“Yeah.”

“Me too. We are going to Chengdu tomorrow.”

“I hope it goes well,” Jungwoo said.

“Goodnight, Jungwoo. Let’s talk later. Let’s video chat. I wanna hear about the concert.”

“Okay, Lucas. Goodnight.”

Jungwoo hung up and closed his eyes once again. It sucked not being able to see Lucas. But it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Lucas didn’t see him that often, so Jungwoo was able to hide a lot from him. Jungwoo doubted anyone would like him if they truly knew him.

Jaehyun knew him better than almost anyone.

Jaehyun didn’t like him.

Jungwoo remembered crying in group, confessing that he’d never been in a relationship. Never had anything more than a few random kisses with random people at random times in his life. It felt good that they didn’t say it wasn’t important or tell him the usual lies that he would find someone someday. They cried with him. They listened.

But it didn’t fix the problem.

Sometimes Jungwoo was terribly lonely.

Maybe he did doze off because next thing he knew, someone was knocking on the door. Jungwoo rolled over on his side, stretched out on top of his bed, and watched Mark jump up and run across the room to open the door.

“Hey, party’s here!” Johnny said, walking in the room with Jaehyun.

“Johnny, you said you were going to text me,” Mark said, stepping aside to let them in.

“I did. I texted you like 16 times. It’s not my fault you never woke up,” Johnny said. They started bickering in English. Now that they were in America, Jungwoo knew that Mark and Johnny were going to use a lot of English. Jungwoo’s head already hurt. He was pretty sure he was worse in English than ever before. His brain didn’t have the room for it anymore.

Jaehyun laid down beside Jungwoo on his bed. Jungwoo scooted over to make room for him. He looked over Jaehyun lying on his pillow. His heart picked up speed.

“Hi,” Jaehyun said. He turned his head toward Jungwoo and smiled a lazy smile. “I’m tired.”

“You should rest, hyung,” Jungwoo said, softly.

“We have to stay awake,” Jaehyun said, with a yawn. “Are you sleepy? You were sleeping so hard on the plane.”

“I’m a little sleepy,” Jungwoo admitted.

“We have to stay awaaaaake,” Jaehyun trilled. He wrapped his arms around Jungwoo, pulled him closer to him and gave him a shake.

Jungwoo smiled.

If he had something like this, he wouldn’t be tempted to take pills. If he had someone to hold him at night, he wouldn’t need throwing up. If he had someone who really cared about him, who always wanted to talk to him, who looked at him like he was the only person in the world, Jungwoo would be just fine. He’d be normal.

Like Jaehyun and Johnny.

Johnny and Mark were still talking, hunched over an iPad now and arguing in too fast English.

“What are they saying?” Jungwoo asked as he laid with Jaehyun.

“Something about chicken and waffles,” Jaehyun said with a chuckle. “I’m not really listening. But I’m hungry. I hope they figure it out soon.”

“I like chicken and waffles,” Jungwoo said, loudly in English, sitting up. Johnny and Mark looked over at him.

“Dude, it’s too late for breakfast,” Mark said.

“What do you mean it’s too late for breakfast?” Johnny said, speaking Korean, probably for Jungwoo’s benefit. “It’s always time for breakfast. If we go to this place now, we’re going to avoid the crowds. It’s a really popular spot. I want to go. If Guy says this place is good, it’s really good.”

“Fine!” Mark threw up his hands. “Let’s go. But I want pizza later.”

“You can’t always get what you want, Mark.”

Jungwoo changed into a new hoodie. They all bundled up in coats and hats and masks and headed out. It wasn’t as cold in New York as it was when they left Seoul. The sun was shining brightly. Jungwoo kept his eyes out for cameras, but he didn’t see any. New York was a big place. A good place for change.

He’d be different here. Jungwoo could feel it.

No more bad decisions.

They walked for blocks. They got on the subway. They laughed together. When Johnny and Mark’s conversation got too English-y, Jaehyun translated, rolling his eyes with a secret smile, just for Jungwoo.

Jungwoo smiled back.

They went to a chicken and waffles place in Harlem. It was packed with all sorts of people— white, Black, Hispanic, Asian, older, younger, families, couples, friends and people eating alone. Jungwoo already felt at home as the waiter handed him a laminated menu without a second glance. He ordered the punch with his chicken and waffles which was a drink that was made of red dye and pure liquid sugar. Everyone laughed because none of them could drink it. Jungwoo had to cut it with about three glasses of water.

Jungwoo watched New Yorkers pass them by. The city was so exciting because there were so many different people doing so many different things. Seoul was becoming more like that but compared to New York, they still had a long way to go.

He’d forgotten the feeling of being in another city. It felt good. It felt like no one knew him.

There was so much food that they barely had room on the table for it all. The waffle took up the entire large plate and the chicken was crowded on top. They spent five minutes taking Instagram pictures of the food at all different angles.

“Do you think this came off a real chicken?” Mark asked, holding up a huge chicken wing. “I think they got this from Jurassic Park.”

“The waffle is bigger than your head,” Johnny said.

“We should have only gotten two. I can’t eat all this!”

 _Speak for yourself_ , Jungwoo thought. He finished his sweet potato waffle, his chicken and the macaroni and cheese he ordered. It was really good. He also sampled Jaehyun’s blueberry waffle and Mark’s chocolate chip waffle. He drank all his punch.

“Good?” Jaehyun asked him. Jungwoo gave two thumbs up with his mouth full.

This always helped him feel better.

“Okay, everybody,” Johnny said, once they were finishing up their meals. “We have to go to bed early because our first schedule tomorrow is at 10am.”

“Yes, Manager Johnny,” Jaehyun said, teasing.

“I’m so excited.” Johnny grinned and Jungwoo could tell he really was. Jungwoo wondered what that was like. “Feels like… the world is finally normal again. I’m never going to take it for granted.”

“Ahhhh, Johnny, you’re so deep! I can’t take it.” Mark winced, grabbing the side of his head. They all laughed.

“I’m just happy to be here with you guys,” Johnny said, looking at them all. “Seriously. The whole lockdown thing was so weird and scary. I honestly didn’t know if we would get past it this year. 2020 was bad. Would 2021 be worse? It didn’t start off good. I was like, I really can’t take another year of performing to screens. And then all that other stuff happened… you know. But we got our leader back.” Johnny smiled at Jungwoo, affectionately. “We got our Jungwoo back. Everyone’s better. Everyone’s healthy. We’re finally on tour again. We’re performing to an audience instead of our staff and fake applause. I’m just happy. We’re back.” Johnny leaned his head against Jaehyun’s shoulder and Jaehyun patted his head.

“You’re so sappy,” Mark said, laughing. “I’m gonna puke.”

Jungwoo laughed with them, but his laughter sounded hollow in his own ears.

Did Johnny know about the pills in Taeyong’s bag?

Did he know about the thoughts that Jungwoo still had?

Did he know how much Jungwoo would like to go in the bathroom and throw up this awesome meal he just had? How he was happy right now but that would make him even happier?

After everything—30 days of in-patient treatment, weekly therapy sessions, knowing how much his terrible habit hurt him and those around him—throwing up right now would still make him happier.

_Everyone’s better. Everyone’s healthy._

_We got our Jungwoo back._

Jungwoo thought it would be that easy, too. It should be that easy. That’s what everyone was expecting from him.

They thought he was all better.

Of course, Johnny didn’t know these things. Jungwoo hoped that everyone was as happy as Johnny was.

That would mean Jungwoo had everyone totally fooled.

“Excuse me?” They all looked over a young woman, standing next to their table. Her eyes lit up like Christmas when they looked at her. “Are you… NCT?”

Johnny took over, talking to the girl. Jungwoo managed to smile for the picture they took with her.

“Don’t post it right away, okay?” Johnny said, with his charming smile.

“Of course. I won’t. I promise. Thank you! Thank you so much. I love you all!” The girl waved, her grin wider than anything Jungwoo had ever seen. Then she left. There was only one girl with one iPhone. There weren’t any fans behind her. There weren’t any telephoto lens popping out of bushes. No one even looked over at them after she left. They were too busy enjoying their food.

It’s okay, Jungwoo told himself. She was one innocent, nice, sweet fan.

But his heart kept racing anyway.

*

Mark was asleep by eight o’clock that night. Jungwoo was supposed to take his melatonin and go to sleep, too. Instead, he locked himself in the bathroom, sat on the floor and called Dr. Lim.

“Hello, Dr. Lim’s office,” said the secretary on the other line, on the other side of the world.

“Hello, this is Kim Jungwoo,” Jungwoo said, in a low voice. He took a deep breath, preparing himself. He was going to tell Dr. Lim everything. “I’d like to speak with Dr. Lim. Or make an appointment for him to call me later…”

Jungwoo’s voice trailed off as he heard the secretary shuffling around.

“Kim Jungwoo?” she said. “Oh yes. I see here that you’ve been taken off his appointment list.”

Jungwoo didn’t understand for a moment. “What?” he asked.

“You’re in America for three weeks?”

“Yeah…” Jungwoo said, slowly.

“They took you off the appointment list since you’re not in the country.”

“Can he talk on the phone…?”

“I’m afraid your company isn’t paying, Mr. Kim,” the secretary said. “They said you’re taking a hiatus. Dr. Lim has told your company that you’re doing really well. Maybe you won’t need to return.”

Jungwoo opened his mouth. Then he closed it.

“That’s really good,” the secretary said, speaking to Jungwoo like he was dumb.

Jungwoo nodded. Then he realized she couldn’t see. Maybe he was dumb.

He didn’t know what to say. Why did the company know more about his condition than he did?

“Contact us in three weeks,” the secretary said. “With your company. Have a good time in America.”

She hung up.

Jungwoo sat on the floor and stared at the white tiles.

Not only did Jungwoo have his teammates fooled, he had his therapist fooled, too.

He was a better liar than he thought.

The realization made his stomach hurt.

But it was too late to throw up now.

After a long time, Jungwoo got up and left the bathroom. Their blackout curtains weren’t pulled all the way, so the never-ending light of New York City filtered into the room even though it was well after dark. Jungwoo shuffled over to the window and tried to close the curtains, but they wouldn’t close quite right. He yanked the curtains closed over and over, harder and harder, but they still wouldn’t stay closed.

It was like the city had something it wanted him to see.

Jungwoo wasn’t quite sure what it was.

Jungwoo glanced at his phone. It was after eleven. He didn’t remember sitting in the bathroom for that long.

The light from the window snaked directly to Mark’s bed across the room. Mark had rolled over, facing the wall, his currently golden brown hair illuminated in the dark.

Jungwoo walked over to him and crouched next to his bed.

“Mark?” he whispered, poking Mark’s shoulder. Mark grunted.

“Can I sleep in the bed with you?” Jungwoo asked. Mark didn’t say anything, didn’t move. Jungwoo didn’t think he heard. He sat down on the floor with a sigh.

Then Mark rolled over. His eyes opened slightly, sleepily. “Come here,” he said, in a croaky voice.

Jungwoo climbed in Mark’s bed. He curled up next to Mark and rested his head on Mark’s chest. Mark wrapped an arm around him. He heard Mark’s breathing even out again, almost immediately. Jungwoo closed his eyes and listened to Mark’s heart beating underneath him. He could see the light in the room dancing on the inside of his eyelids. It was nice just lying with Mark like this, even though he didn’t think he was going to be able to fall asleep.

But slowly—comfortably—he did.

*

The next day they did the Today Show at 10am. They had an interview with Build Studios at noon. They did an event at the Line Store at 2. They went to Buzzfeed Studios and shot a bunch of short videos at 4. That night they piled on a boat to film a video for their YouTube channel of them visiting the Statue of Liberty at night on a dinner cruise.

Jungwoo used his self cam to film Johnny and Mark leaning over the railing of the boat, looking at the Statue of Liberty lit up in the distance, as the boat slowly moved closer.

“Dude, did your ancestors come over on, like, the Mayflower?” Mark asked Johnny.

Johnny made a face. “Pretty sure my family came to America on Korean Air.”

Jungwoo felt someone touch him from behind. He turned around and found himself staring into Doyoung’s camera. Jungwoo instantly smiled. He knew his role here.

“Jungwoo-ah,” Doyoung said. “What are you doing?”

“Saying hi to Lady Liberty!” Jungwoo tuned back around to look at the Statue of Liberty across the water, waving wildly at her into the darkness. Doyoung chuckled.

“I need a dinner buddy.” Doyoung slipped his arm through Jungwoo’s. “Come on.”

It was hard to hold their cameras and go through a buffet line, so they put them down on the table. It didn’t matter since they had staff around to continue filming their every move. There were regular people on the cruise, giving them curious looks, but no one said anything. Jungwoo thought at some point he’d get used to those type of looks, but it hadn’t happened yet. Especially in America. For some reason, he felt even more self-conscious here when they glanced at him and then immediately looked away.

The dinner buffet was full of seafood and interesting American sides, like twice baked potatoes. Jungwoo took a little bit of everything. Or he meant to take a little bit. He ended up filling his whole plate. But that was okay. He could handle it.

Jungwoo decided to get himself a beer. He had a hard time understanding the bartender when he tried to pay. The guy looked really annoyed that Jungwoo didn’t have a clue what he was saying. Johnny had to intervene. Jungwoo realized he was supposed to pay with a drink ticket instead of actual money. The bartender looked at Jungwoo like he was the stupidest person on earth. Johnny handed over a drink ticket.

Of course, the staff filmed it all.

People liked to watch Jungwoo being stupid. They thought it was funny.

Jungwoo sat a table with Doyoung, Mark, Johnny, Jaehyun and Yuta, focused on eating his food while they were surrounded by a 360 view of the Hudson river. Jungwoo knew he should enjoy the view. Instead, he enjoyed eating. He had seconds. He had dessert. He got another beer with the stupid drink ticket this time. He got carried away. But when he was eating, he didn’t think. He didn’t want to think right now.

This was an ideal situation, really. If he still threw up, it would be so easy to slip away. Everyone was busy filming and talking and looking at the view. They weren’t paying attention to Jungwoo. But he didn’t do that anymore. So, he just sat at the table, feeling more and more uncomfortable as all the food from his impromptu binge crowded in his stomach.

Once, Jungwoo had asked Dr. Lim if he would ever stop missing it. Dr. Lim gave him a funny look. Jungwoo knew it was wrong and weird and terrible to miss the act of forcing yourself to vomit. He thought the therapist’s office would be the one place he could talk about it, since they were supposed to be discussing Jungwoo’s true feelings.

Apparently not.

Jungwoo didn’t bring it up again.

Jungwoo finished his second beer, trying to get his food to settle. This was another reason he was up five kilos. Jungwoo tipped his head back and took a deep breath. He tried to think about his meditation techniques more than he thought about sneaking off to the bathroom. He told himself to stay in the moment.

The Statue of Liberty was even closer now. Jungwoo stared up at its green glow. Most everyone was hanging over the railing now, taking pictures. Now, they had the perfect view. They were as close to the statue as the boat was going to get. Their table had cleared out and all the staff were with the rest of his members, filming them taking in the American landmark. Jungwoo didn’t move. He was too full. Besides, he didn’t care that much.

Mark plopped in the seat next to him.

“Dude, I’m so tired,” Mark said, resting his head on Jungwoo’s shoulder with a yawn. “When do we get off this boat? We’re trapped.”

Jungwoo closed his eyes, too. He was wondering the same thing. He was glad someone else was feeling trapped.

Then he heard it. The fast click-click-click-click of a camera shutter. Jungwoo whipped his head around. Someone was crouched behind a table not too far away them, her camera lens tipped up. Jungwoo had been noticing them on and off all day through their interviews but he didn’t realize any had gotten on the cruise.

“Hey!” Jungwoo cried, before he could stop himself.

Mark leaned over him, looking, too. The girl took one more picture before she got up and hurried off in a different direction.

“Fuuuuuuuck…” Mark groaned, pressing his hands over his eyes.

Jungwoo didn’t know what it was—the binge, the beer, the boat, the jet lag, or the panic and anger that always seemed to be simmering right underneath the surface—but something made him get up. Something made him do something that was a little crazy.

He followed her.

The girl with camera hurried in the opposite direction of where everyone else. The boat had a deck that went all the way around, but everyone was staring at the Statue of Liberty. There was nobody on the side of the boat that faced the city growing smaller in the distance. The girl flattened herself against the railing and held her large camera between them like a weapon. Jungwoo didn’t come very close. There was probably 12 feet between them. But even with the distance and her mask, Jungwoo recognized her as the same girl from the airport.

“What are you doing?” Jungwoo asked her. Now that he was in this position, he didn’t know exactly what he was supposed to do. They stared at each other.

“Why are you doing this?” Jungwoo continued. “What do you want from me?”

Jungwoo’s heart was beating dangerously fast.

“Nothing,” the girl hissed at him. Jungwoo’s chest clenched hard. Nothing? That answer made this harassment even worse.

They were torturing him for _nothing_?

“Jungwoo!” Jungwoo heard Mark call out to him. Then Taeyong and Yuta rushed over. Yuta grabbed Jungwoo’s arm and gave the sasaeng the nastiest look Jungwoo had ever seen.

“Let’s go,” Yuta said, lowly in Jungwoo’s ear. He pulled Jungwoo roughly from his spot, dragging him through a door as Mark held it open for them. Jungwoo stumbled down the stairs, Yuta continuing to yank him along, Taeyong following behind them. They ended up in a basement area on the boat, near the bathrooms but on the other side. Jungwoo leaned against the wall in the empty hallway, panting, when—surprisingly—Taeyong got into his face.

“What were you _thinking_?” Taeyong hissed, staring at Jungwoo so intensely that it felt like Taeyong was towering over him even though Jungwoo was taller.

Jungwoo couldn’t breathe.

“Going off alone? With one of them? In the dark? Do you know what they could _say_ about you, Jungwoo?”

“Yeah, what the fuck?” Yuta added. Taeyong and Yuta were staring at him. When Jungwoo glanced at Mark, he looked away.

“What would happen if Mark didn’t come get me?” Taeyong asked. “Seriously, Jungwoo, what did you plan to do? I can’t believe you would… act like this. That you would be so careless with your reputation and the reputation of the group!”

“She was taking pictures,” Mark mumbled.

“I don’t care!” Taeyong’s eyes were still locked on Jungwoo’s. He couldn’t look away. He still couldn’t breathe. “You know better, Jungwoo. You know you are not to… to—” Taeyong raked a hand through his hair, frustrated. “I can’t even say it. I don’t understand your thinking at all. You don’t confront them. Not like that. Not ever. No matter what. You know that. You haven’t been away that long.” Taeyong finally broke eye contact, looking away with a bitter, disbelieving laugh that felt like a punch straight to the gut.

Jungwoo wanted to slide right to the floor.

“This was a mistake…” Taeyong mumbled to himself. He lapsed into silence.

What was a mistake? The dinner cruise? The tour?

But Jungwoo knew what Taeyong was talking about.

Him.

Letting Jungwoo return to the group. Once again.

His blood felt ice cold in his veins.

Nobody spoke up. Nobody told Taeyong he was wrong.

They all felt the same way.

“What do you think she’s going to say?” Mark asked in a small voice.

“I don’t know!” Taeyong snapped. Then he paused and closed his eyes for a moment. When he spoke to Mark again, it was in a softer tone. “I don’t know. I… need to call someone. Just… stay down here… until the boat gets back.”

Taeyong turned and started back up the stairs, walking slowly. Yuta gave Jungwoo a sympathetic look.

“They drive me crazy too, but… you can’t do that,” Yuta said. He followed Taeyong back up, staying behind him, carefully.

Jungwoo’s legs felt like they were going to go out from under him. He sat down on the floor abruptly, so hard that he banged his tailbone. Jungwoo winced, choking out a gasp of pain.

“Jungwoo, are you okay?” Mark quickly knelt beside him. “Jungwoo, you’re shaking so hard. Are you cold?”

Jungwoo didn’t notice. He closed his eyes. He couldn’t really hear Mark. He tried to focus on the pain. His brain was clogged with so many thoughts.

_You’re so careless and stupid. You put the whole group in jeopardy. You’re worth nothing. No one is going to miss you when you’re gone from the group, from the tour, from this earth._

“—get Jaehyun.” Jungwoo heard Mark say.

“No!” Jungwoo cried, his eyes flying open. He couldn’t stand for Jaehyun to see him like this. Not again.

“What should I do?” Mark looked helpless, kneeling on the floor.

“Don’t get anyone!” Jungwoo found himself yelling. “Don’t get anyone for me!”

Mark stared at him with big, wounded brown eyes. “Sorry,” Mark whispered. “I was only trying to help.”

Something softened in Jungwoo as he looked at Mark. He didn’t mean to make Mark look that way. Mark looked how Jungwoo felt on the inside. Vulnerable. Hurt. Scared.

“You’re scaring me,” Mark said in a small voice.

Jungwoo was scaring himself too. He closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. He tried to remember Dr. Lim’s words. Ground himself. Touch something. Remind himself that it was real and the thoughts in his head were only thoughts.

Jungwoo reached for Mark’s hand. He gave it a squeeze.

This was what was real. This was what he needed to focus on.

Mark squeezed his hand back.

They sat there, Mark’s hand clasped in Jungwoo’s tightly, until the boat turned around and returned to the dock, until everyone got off the boat, until their manager came down and told them it was safe.

*

Jungwoo stayed in Taeyong’s room until after 1am. He hadn’t really seen anyone after the boat because he and Taeyong left in a separate car with one of their managers. They had been on the phone the company the whole time that Jungwoo was in Taeyong’s room, different managers coming in and out. By the time they were done, the company said they had spoken to the sasaeng and reached an agreement.

She wasn’t going to say anything about what happened that night.

They erased everything they’d filmed on the boat.

It was like it all never happened.

Taeyong didn’t sound angry anymore. He sounded tired. Probably tired of Jungwoo, although he didn’t say.

“You’ve got to look out for your team,” one of the CEOs told Taeyong during the never-ending video call. “This can’t happen again.”

Taeyong nodded and didn’t say anything. He looked exhausted.

It was all Jungwoo’s fault.

Jungwoo managed to slip into Taeyong’s bathroom at one point. It was the same as his hotel room bathroom, only Taeyong had hung up a few clothes and had a pair of shower shoes. There was another difference.

Taeyong’s pills.

They weren’t on his counter. Jungwoo found them in a small black bag. He only had to look for a few minutes.

He opened the top with a small crack. He fished three out. He slipped them into his underwear.

He wasn’t going to take them. Not now. Maybe not ever. They were just in case. Saved for emergencies.

Just having them made Jungwoo feel better.

But for now, he deserved to feel the torture.

“You get rest for the concert tomorrow night,” the CEO told them. “I expect perfection.”

Jungwoo wanted to ask about Dr. Lim. Why did they cancel his sessions with his therapist?

He couldn’t get the words out before everyone hung up.

“Jungwoo,” Taeyong said before Jungwoo left. “I know you’ve had a hard time lately. I know you’ve been working hard. We see it.” He paused. Jungwoo watched him swallow. Taeyong met his eyes.

“You’ll tell us if this is too much for you, right?” Taeyong asked.

 _Will you?_ Jungwoo thought. The pills were nestled near his hip, kept in place from the tight press of his underwear against his skin.

“Yes, hyung,” Jungwoo mumbled.

“You can tell me anything,” Taeyong said, with a small smile. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was worried. But you can’t do that again. You really… can’t.”

Jungwoo nodded.

He left without saying goodnight.

Housekeeping must have fixed their blackout curtains. The room was pitch dark when Jungwoo crept back in. He undressed in the bathroom. He hid his pills inside the small bag for his toothpaste and mouthwash.

“Jungwoo?” Mark called out, when he left the bathroom. Jungwoo looked over at him in the dark. He thought Mark was fast asleep.

“Do you wanna…” Mark said. “Sleep here?”

Jungwoo slipped into bed with Mark without a second thought. This time, Mark curled up against him. Jungwoo slung a leg over Mark’s hip. Mark slid in closer to him. Mark pressed his face against Jungwoo’s chest. Jungwoo wrapped his arms around him. Jungwoo could feel Mark’s strong, steady heartbeat.

He fell asleep right away.

*

Of course, everyone knew what had happened the next day. There was no way for Jungwoo to escape it. They were at the venue by 9am. Everyone was having breakfast together. Jungwoo decided he would only eat a hard boiled egg and a small bowl of seaweed soup after everything he ate last night.

Jaehyun hurried over to him in the breakfast line. “Are you okay?” He asked, staring at Jungwoo with wide, worried eyes. Jungwoo hated that look.

“Yes, hyung,” he said, quickly.

“We tried visiting last night but Mark said you were with Taeyong,” Jaehyun said. “I wanted to check on you.”

“I’m fine,” Jungwoo insisted.

Jaehyun did that thing when he was petting Jungwoo’s hair like a dog again. Jungwoo wanted to scream for them not to look at him.

“Jungwoo,” Johnny said, standing behind Jaehyun. “Seriously, if anyone is messing with you? Just call my name. All you have to do is say ‘Johnny’, I’ll come running. No questions asked. Any time.”

 _Even if you’re in the middle of fucking Jaehyun?_ Jungwoo thought. But he didn’t say anything. He just nodded. He kept nodding while everyone was asking him how he was and promising to take care of him.

Empty promises. None of them were there how he truly needed them.

When he truly needed someone, he was all alone. Like when he was on the deck with that sasaeng. Or when he was in the bathroom, making himself puke his guts out. Or when he couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wanted to do that.

Mark nudged Jungwoo’s foot under the table as he sat there, spacing out over his soup. When Jungwoo looked up, Mark smiled.

“You want this?” Mark handed him a small donut. Jungwoo took a bite.

Mark was the only one who was treating him normally.

Things had been different between them this morning. When he woke up, Mark was completely on top of him. And even when they were awake for a few minutes, they stayed like that, Jungwoo’s arms secured around Mark. Holding Mark felt nice. His body was warm and light, soft but solid. He had pressed his face against the crook of Jungwoo’s neck. Jungwoo could feel him breathing. He could feel Mark’s nose, his mouth, his lips. Right there.

He wasn’t sure what it meant.

They’d cuddled a lot before but not quite like that.

It felt so intimate with Mark’s crotch so close to his and the way Mark didn’t say anything. Mark wasn’t pinching him or wiggling like usual.

They were just being together.

Jungwoo liked it.

Being with someone like that was what he craved.

But he told himself not to get too carried away. They were half-asleep. It probably didn’t mean anything at all.

“Everyone!” Taeyong called, standing up from his seat. The chatter in their makeshift dining hall died down.

“I want to talk to you,” Taeyong said. “Today is the first show for our American tour.”

Everyone started clapping and cheering. Jungwoo clapped with them. Now they could finally focus on something other than Jungwoo’s terrible decisions.

“It’s very exciting,” Taeyong said. “We have not traveled overseas in over a year and this is our first world tour stop. We have a lot to catch up on and a lot to make up for. We’ve left our fans for a very long time. We cannot let them down.”

Taeyong looked at everyone seriously. Jungwoo felt Taeyong’s eyes fall on him. He swallowed hard.

“It’s been a hard time,” Taeyong said. “In society and our personal lives. But now is time to put that behind us. All that matters is doing well on the stage. We want to give everyone an amazing show. Please don’t focus on anything other than this. Our company, our staffs, our managers, our teachers, our choreographers, our directors, you all have done well. You’ve worked hard for this moment. NCT members… we cannot let them down. We must perform. When we are not on stage, it’s the same. We must perform. You always represent NCT. But not only NCT. You represent SM Entertainment and our home country of Korea.” Taeyong paused for a moment. “Please don’t let us down.”

Everyone clapped again. This time, Jungwoo clapped more half-heartedly.

He heard the message behind Taeyong’s words.

He’d already let the team down last night, even though the sasaeng had been silenced and all the footage from that night had been erased.

This was a message for Jungwoo.

All that mattered was the stage.

He didn’t matter at all.

Things moved quickly after that. They had a last-minute rehearsal and soundcheck. They started hair and make up and stage outfits. They had to be ready well ahead of the concert because they sold 200 $500 tickets where fans got to take pictures with them before the show. Jungwoo smiled hard the whole time as fans came to stand in front of them, 5 at a time. The fans tried to talk to them, but they had been instructed not to say much. Each picture took about 30 seconds and then the fans were quickly ushered away.

Jungwoo didn’t talk to any of them. He was relieved when the staff hurried them out.

He didn’t like this feeling. He didn’t like not liking the fans.

He couldn’t help it.

Jaehyun pulled him aside after stretches and vocal warm-up, just before they were going to go on stage.

“Hey,” Jaehyun said, holding both of Jungwoo’s hands. Jungwoo glanced down at their hands. A part of him wished that Jaehyun wouldn’t do things like this. But the bigger part of him was pathetic enough to enjoy the attention.

“I wanted to check in with you again,” Jaehyun said. Jungwoo smiled the best he could.

“I’m fine,” he said.

“You always say that.”

“It’s true!” Jungwoo gave a little shrug. Jaehyun squeezed his hands, looking into Jungwoo’s eyes.

“I’m just worried about you after last night,” Jaehyun said. “And the plane. We haven’t gotten a chance to talk alone.”

“I’m fine,” Jungwoo said, holding Jaehyun’s hands but looking away. “I just made… a stupid mistake.”

“You know what?” Jaehyun told him. Jaehyun tugged on his hands, gently. Jungwoo let his eyes slide back over to look at him. “We talked… before you got back. They told us that we might be able to do a tour this year. All of us, we said we didn’t want to do it without you. We wouldn’t do it without Jungwoo.” Jaehyun let go of Jungwoo’s hands and gently held Jungwoo’s face, looking at him closely. “We need you. We want you with us. I just wanted to make sure you know that. We love you. I love you. Nothing you do could ever change that. Okay?”

It wouldn’t be good to cry right before going on stage. Jungwoo already had to re-do his make-up twice. He closed his eyes tightly for a moment and nodded.

Jungwoo didn’t know what he’d done to earn Jaehyun’s devotion. The worse part was it would never be enough. Not as long as Jaehyun was with Johnny.

He was so selfish. Why couldn’t he be happy with what he got?

Jaehyun gave Jungwoo a tight hug. Despite everything, Jungwoo had to admit that it made him feel better.

A few minutes later, Jungwoo ducked backstage, waiting for his cue to go on stage once the house lights dropped and their intro VCR was coming to an end. They were separated by age. Jaehyun, Yuta and Doyoung on the right side. Taeil, Johnny and Taeyong coming up the lift in the middle of the stage. Jungwoo, Mark and Haechan were on the left.

“Let’s get it,” Haechan said, holding his fist out. Jungwoo bumped it after Mark. All he could hear on the other side of the darkness were endless screams.

“I’m so excited,” Mark said. “I hope they still like us. Do you think they still remember us?”

“Listen to them, Mark,” Haechan said. “They’re ready to eat us.”

Jungwoo gulped. Now that Haechan said it, he could hear what he was talking about. The screams sounded like they were in a horror movie.

There was no turning back now.

“Let’s get it!” Jungwoo said, feeling as crazy as he sounded. Mark and Haechan laughed.

The fans waiting for them continued to scream like it was their last day on earth.

It was showtime.

*

Jungwoo had forgotten what this was like.

The post-show high.

They’d been doing shows virtually this whole time and he’d felt it, but not like this.

Right now, it felt just as intense as the first time he performed, when he finished the BOSS stage he thought he’d never make it through.

He felt so _good._

Everyone was laughing, yelling and talking backstage after the show. The cheers of the crowd were still reverberating through Jungwoo’s body. He could feel them there. He could hear them in his ears. When he got on stage, he realized that the fans didn’t want to eat him. They wanted to be with him. Or maybe they wanted to devour him. But only because they loved him so much.

Jungwoo could feel it.

How could he forget? How could he doubt them just because of a couple of crazies?

His heart wouldn’t stop racing but for once it didn’t mean that he was on the verge of a breakdown.

It meant that he was happy.

He couldn’t stop smiling.

He wanted to do that again.

“Jungwoo, look!” Mark said, rushing over to him and thrusting out his phone. “This fancam of you went viral. You took someone’s phone?”

Jungwoo nodded proudly. He took Mark’s phone to look at the video. There were over 50k likes. Jungwoo thought he looked handsome singing into the camera. The fans behind him screamed and waved, jumping around excitedly when he pointed the camera at him.

“I’m so freaked out by phones,” Mark said. “I’m scared I’m gonna drop it and then I’ll owe them.” Mark giggled, taking his phone back and playing the short clip again. “Your face is like… so handsome.”

Jungwoo snorted, looking at Mark out of the corner of his eye. “It’s the new iPhone,” he said.

“No, if I filmed my face that close up, they would see all my pores.”

“You don’t have pores,” Jungwoo said, poking Mark’s cheek.

They both laughed.

Once they got back to the hotel, they all ended up in Johnny and Jaehyun’s room, except for Doyoung, Taeil and Taeyong, who said they were going to sleep. Jungwoo didn’t know how anyone could sleep right now. He was so wired and it seemed like everyone else was too. Mark finally got his pizza. Johnny also had alcohol delivered, a lot of beer. Jungwoo decided he would only have one. Alcohol went straight to his head and he was already buzzed enough on his own adrenaline.

“Okay, did you guys see that shirt?” Yuta said, lounging on the floor. “On that lady in the front row?”

“Oh, hyung!” Haechan said, pointing at Yuta. “The one that said, ‘Fuck me, Johnny’?”

Everyone burst out laughing. Jungwoo nearly spit out the beer he was drinking. He hadn’t seen it.

“What can I say?” Johnny said. “I’m fuckable.”

“She was like, 50,” Yuta said.

“I appeal to older women!”

“What do you think, Jaehyun?”

Jungwoo watched Jaehyun laugh with a shrug. “Johnny gets one free pass, I guess,” Jaehyun said. Everyone burst out laughing again.

“I do?” Johnny said, wrapping his arm around Jaehyun.

“So are you going to use it on her, hyung?” Haechan asked.

“I don’t know. Now I’m like… whoa. My mind is spinning with possibilities.”

“It’s not for everyone,” Jaehyun clarified, hitting Johnny with a pillow. “It’s just for that woman!”

Everyone was still laughing as Jaehyun and Johnny started playfighting on the bed. It was weird to see. Jungwoo hung out with them a lot but they never acted like a couple around him. They might hold hands and Johnny would give Jaehyun lovesick looks, but they didn’t kiss or sit on each other’s laps or wrestle or anything like that. Most of the time, Jaehyun would cling to Jungwoo more than Johnny. Jungwoo could pretend…

He took a long drink of his beer.

He really needed to get over this crush.

They moved on to talking about other things. All the weird signs, the venue stage manager who smelled like cat litter, the part where Yuta ripped his pants down the back and had to dance three songs holding his hand against his ass. They ate a lot of pizza. They laughed and laughed.

Jungwoo was happy. He was buzzed from the concert. He was slightly loopy. Watching Jaehyun bouncing around on top of Johnny made him realize he was also horny.

These were a lot of feelings for one night.

Yuta finally got the game system set up and they stayed up until 4am playing video games and hanging out. Jungwoo won the FIFA tournament and jumped up in victory.

“I still got it!” Jungwoo declared.

“I’ll kick your ass next time,” Yuta said.

“And next time, Mark will figure out what soccer is,” Haechan said, giving Mark a look.

“I didn’t know we switched goals in the second half. I forgot!”

“I’m not being partners with him anymore!” Haechan cried.

“You can be my partner,” Jungwoo said. He grabbed Mark’s arm and pulled him up to his feet. “Bedtime.”

“Good idea,” Johnny said. “Everybody needs to get out of here before things start happening.”

“Johnny!” Jaehyun yelped as Johnny smacked his ass.

Jungwoo was having fun but he needed to get out of there fast.

“Byeeeeeeeeee!” Jungwoo called, pulling Mark out of the room. They giggled on the way back to their room. Jungwoo let go of Mark’s arm and fell on his bed as soon as they got back and kicked off their shoes.

“I ate so much pizza,” Jungwoo groaned, rubbing a hand over his stomach. He smiled when Mark laid on the bed next to him.

“Are you going to throw it up?” Mark asked.

Jungwoo froze, his good mood instantly evaporating.

They didn’t say anything for a few moments.

“Sorry,” Mark said. “I shouldn’t have said that. I drank… a couple of beers.”

Jungwoo rolled over on his side so he could face Mark fully. The bed wasn’t that big, so their faces were close.

“Are you worried about that?” Jungwoo said, in a low voice.

Mark nodded. “I don’t… wanna find it. I don’t want you to do that.”

How awful. Everyone knew about the Tupperware. Jungwoo realized it was scary to be his roommate. Who would want to find or see something like that? They knew how disgusting he was.

“Well, I won’t,” Jungwoo said, with more conviction than he’d felt in a while. Right in that moment, he was certain he wasn’t going to throw up anymore, even after days of craving it. He wouldn’t let Mark see him or think about him in that way ever again.

“Good,” Mark said. “I’ve always… there’s nothing wrong with you, Jungwoo. I’ve always liked you… just the way you are.”

Jungwoo felt a jolt of something run straight down his chest. He wasn’t sure what it was.

They were staring at each other. Jungwoo could see the beauty mark on Mark’s face, right near his cheek.

He didn’t know who started it.

Suddenly, their arms were around each other. Suddenly, they were kissing.

Mark’s lips were pressed against his. Jungwoo closed his eyes. The kiss was soft, even though their bodies were pressed so close together as they clung to each other. Jungwoo felt so needy but they took their time. They didn’t even use tongue, not really. Jungwoo relished in the simple feeling of Mark’s lips moving over his. Light, sweet kisses, with soft sighs traded between them. No rush. They kissed like they had all the time in the world. Mark kissed Jungwoo like he wasn’t going anywhere.

Jungwoo liked that feeling.

Mark’s lips were soft and yielding under his own. His mouth seemed to match up with Jungwoo’s perfectly, no matter if Jungwoo kissed his bottom lip or his top one. Jungwoo felt a little shy at first but then he kissed Mark a little harder, pressing their mouths together more firmly. He tightened his arms around Mark. Their legs tangled together. He willed himself not to get hard. He was mostly successful.

Jungwoo just wanted to focus on kissing.

After kissing for a long time, they pulled away. Jungwoo took a noisy breath. His lips were slick with the dampness from Mark’s mouth. They kept their faces pressed close together for a little while until Mark kissed his nose. Jungwoo giggled, softly.

“Should we go to sleep?” Mark asked, his voice slightly hoarse.

Jungwoo nodded.

They got up and got ready for bed together, washing their face and brushing their teeth after pizza, beer and kissing. Somehow, without speaking, they both decided not to put on pajamas like usual and go to bed in only their underwear. After turning off the lights, they climbed back into Jungwoo’s bed together. Mark’s arms were around Jungwoo as he snuggled against Jungwoo’s chest. They didn’t kiss on the lips again, but the kiss Mark pressed against Jungwoo’s bare chest made Jungwoo shiver.

“Night, Woo,” Mark mumbled.

Jungwoo laid awake in the darkness, holding Mark as he drifted off to sleep.

What did it mean? Did Mark just have too many beers? Mark’s words echoed in Jungwoo’s ears.

_I’ve always liked you… just the way you are._

Or was this the start of something that Jungwoo had been waiting for?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tour Stop #2: Washington DC  
> Tour Stop #3: Atlanta
> 
> CW  
> \- references to weed  
> \- sex scenes

“Welcome to another episode of JCC!” Johnny said, speaking to his self-cam. Then he made a face, dipping his camera down. “Wait, I’m going to do that again.”

Jungwoo sat on the curb with Doyoung and Jaehyun. Mark was running around Johnny along with the camera man. They were saying something, but it was English and Jungwoo didn’t feel like thinking.

Jaehyun patted his shoulder. “Jungwoo-ah, look.”

Jungwoo looked up at the busy road just beyond the parking lot they were sitting in. Red and blue lights flashed. First, they saw a bunch of police motorcycle ride past in formation, two-by-two. Then police cars and a long line of slick black SUVs, all in a row, driving slowly. A motorcade.

“Johnny, are you getting this?” Jaehyun called out.

“Do you think it’s the president?” Doyoung asked, stretching his feet out in front of him.

Of course, Johnny wasn’t getting it because he and Mark were still talking about something.

Jungwoo watched the motorcade for a moment. Then he tipped his head and looked at Mark, taking him in. Mark’s coat was too big, and his beanie had slipped halfway off his head, revealing his messy hair. Jungwoo remember Mark complaining that morning that he didn’t want to do his hair, so he just put a beanie on. Jungwoo wanted to fix it for him but he didn’t get up.

The good thing about this tour was that they had a lot of downtime. They got to sleep in the day after their concerts and do a lot of sightseeing. They stayed in New York a couple more days after their concert and then flew to their next stop, Washington DC. Now, they were filming an episode of JCC about visiting the major monuments and landmarks of the capital city.

Jungwoo watched as Johnny and Mark stood in front of the camera, doing the intro again. It seemed to go well because afterward, they came over to the group, flashing their cameras at them. Once again, Johnny was using way too much English, with Mark giggling beside him. Jungwoo blinked when Johnny focused the camera on him. Jungwoo did not catch the gist of the question at all. When Johnny paused expectantly, waiting for an answer, Jungwoo plastered a fake smile on his face.

“Oh yeah, it’s amazing!” Jungwoo said, giving a thumbs up. Mark looked at Johnny with wide, amused eyes, doubling over as he cracked up. Jungwoo rolled his eyes a little bit.

“He asked you where you want to go in DC,” Jaehyun translated, leaning into Jungwoo.

“Oh…” Jungwoo said. “The White House.” He nodded. He knew that was a very important place in America.

Mark giggled. “You can’t go there.”

Jungwoo didn’t know whether to be annoyed or charmed by the way Mark was teasing him. It didn’t matter much because they were all getting up and walking towards the National Mall. Johnny and Mark lead the way.

Doyoung took Jungwoo’s arm, walking with him. Jaehyun strolled in front. Jungwoo looked around at the vast expanse of beautifully manicured grass and people all around. Jungwoo had learned that the “mall” was actually an outdoor area surrounded by museums and monuments and stuff. They were walking towards the Washington Monument in the distance.

“How is my pretty Jungwoo?” Doyoung asked him, in a low voice. Doyoung had always doted on him, but Jungwoo felt like he doted on him even more after he returned from the treatment center. They had to make up for lost time, the months that Jungwoo was mad at Doyoung for his own messed up reasons. He was so grateful that Doyoung gave him a second chance.

“I’m fine, hyung,” Jungwoo said.

“What’s on your mind?”

Jungwoo paused. He did consider asking Doyoung what he was really thinking about. How did you know when someone liked you? Jungwoo didn’t have a lot of experience in the area. And his track record was terrible, especially considering the kiss he’d had with Jaehyun.

But Mark was different. Mark kissed him back. It didn’t happen that one time, after they’d been drinking, but it happened again. And again. It had been happening every night. Just kissing. Not even really making out. Only kissing and then going to sleep.

They never talked about it when they woke up in the morning. Other than that, everything was normal between them. Mark treated Jungwoo the same as he always had.

Jungwoo wasn’t sure what to think.

It wasn’t a good time to bring up kissing Mark. Technically, they were still on JCC, even though Johnny and Mark weren’t paying attention to them and the camera man was far ahead.

Jungwoo shrugged in response to Doyoung’s question.

“Thinking about the White House,” Jungwoo said. “Why wouldn’t the president want to meet me? I’m cute!”

Jungwoo liked making Doyoung laugh.

Jungwoo was glad everyone was treating him normally again. He felt like something opened up inside of him after the first show. Most of the anxiety he’d been feeling had melted away. He was looking forward to their DC concert. He wanted to see the fans. They hadn’t seen any sasaengs in a couple of days. Jungwoo didn’t feel the urge to throw up. The pills he’d taken from Taeyong stayed carefully hidden away.

He needed the stage! That’s what had been missing from his life. Now that they were performing again, he felt like he had a big part of his life back.

There was also the kissing.

Kissing Mark certainly helped.

The craziness before the New York concert was just a rough patch, Jungwoo told himself. Dr. Lim and the company must have seen something he didn’t. Jungwoo was okay. Maybe Jungwoo really didn’t need a therapist anymore.

He was just fine.

“You seem happier over the past couple of days,” Doyoung said, as if reading Jungwoo’s mind. Jungwoo playfully leaned away when Doyoung reached up to poke his cheeks.

“I’m always happy,” Jungwoo chirped. Doyoung gave Jungwoo a look before squeezing his forearm.

“Uh huh,” Doyoung said. “Nobody’s always happy.”

“I’m fine, hyung,” Jungwoo said, fixing Doyoung with a smile.

“I know,” Doyoung said. “But we were worried about you.”

“You—were?” Jungwoo hadn’t known that. He should have known though. The hyungs were always talking about him.

Jungwoo tried not to get mad. He told himself they only meant well.

“Yes. You know we worry about you.” Doyoung glanced at him again. “The incident on the plane was concerning. We were like, did he take sleeping pills?”

“I didn’t!” Jungwoo cried. “I wouldn’t do that.”

 _No, you would only do far worse things_ , that mean voice in his head said. Jungwoo glared to shut it up.

“I know…” Doyoung said again, soothingly, running a hand over Jungwoo’s hair. “But we can’t help that we worry. Then that scary incident with the sasaeng… we asked ourselves if we pushed you too hard or too fast.”

Jungwoo huffed, crossing his arms. He knew Doyoung meant well but he couldn’t help feeling annoyed. It was just like the old times when everyone was talking about him. Jungwoo was better now. He was even better than he had been a few days ago. Couldn’t they see that?

“We only want the best for you, Jungwoo-ah,” Doyoung said, taking in Jungwoo’s look. “But then…the concert… Jungwoo, you really came alive. It was amazing seeing you like that again. I really think it was the best thing for you.”

“I love performing,” Jungwoo mumbled.

“I know, baby,” Doyoung said, leaning into them as they walked. “You’re born to be on that stage. So, now I know we’re doing the right thing. You’re meant to be with us. You’re okay.” Doyoung poked Jungwoo’s cheek. Jungwoo couldn’t help smiling again.

He really did love performing. If he just focused on that, everything would be okay.

And it certainly wouldn’t suck if Mark actually liked him.

He really wanted to ask Doyoung about that.

Jungwoo looked up where Johnny was calling everyone to come gather around some monument.

“You’ll tell me if you’re having a hard time?” Doyoung asked in a low voice as they walked over. “We’re not going to let it get bad again… right?”

Jungwoo nodded. In the moment, it felt like the truth. Because this wasn’t going to get bad again, no matter what. He was doing better. He was doing great.

“I’ll tell you,” Jungwoo said, with a nod.

“That’s all I ask for,” Doyoung said. “Nobody expects you to be perfect. We only want you to be honest.”

Honest? Jungwoo almost laughed a little. That was a good one.

After all, Jungwoo was still the world’s biggest and best liar.

But he was doing okay and for once that wasn’t a lie.

Jungwoo wandered over to Mark when they all stood to pose in front of the monument and wrapped his arm around Mark’s back. Mark looked up at him and smiled.

For now, that was all Jungwoo needed.

*

“Washington DC!” Jungwoo screamed, holding the mic with both hands. The crowd roared back at him. He could hear it better with one of his in-ear monitors dangling just above his shoulder. He was breathing hard, but the exertion and lack of oxygen felt good. If he allowed himself to look down, he could see the crazed faces of the fans in the first row, staring at him with total amazement and adoration. It was insane.

“We…” Jungwoo peered at the teleprompter and then went off script. “Love you!” he finished. The crowd roared. The guys were laughing at him because he wasn’t reading the words on the screen. It felt good.

“So much fun!” Jungwoo said, speaking the best English he had in a while. “So amazing! I see… Capital! But… best… see…” Jungwoo swept his arm out in front of him, gesturing to all the fans. “Czennies!”

Their fans cheered, sounding like they would never stop. He couldn’t see much more than a sea of green lightsticks but he knew they were there. He could hear them. He could feel their energy. It slammed right through him. It sent his endorphins into overdrive much more than throwing up or any other high could.

Why would Jungwoo look for anything else? He had everything he needed right here on this stage.

It was their final ment. Jungwoo waved, letting Mark step forward to take over thanking all the fans. Sweat ran down the side of his face. Jungwoo wished he could live in this moment all the time. He still got stage anxiety before the show and after the show, he would eventually come down.

But on stage? In this moment?

Everything was perfect.

He wanted to stay right here.

After their ments, they went into the encore, running around stage. Jungwoo grabbed one of the balloons that fell from the sky and used it to attack Taeil, chasing him around the stage. He managed to rub it against Taeil’s hair and make it stick up using static electricity, despite all the gel and hair spray that was in it.

He didn’t feel tired, even though they were three hours into the show. He played around with Haechan, teased Yuta, clung to Doyoung, high-fived Taeyong, hip bumped Jaehyun, picked up Johnny and gave Mark a surprise bear hug from behind that made him squeal into his mic. They were all having a lot of fun and he could tell their fans were having fun right there with them.

Jungwoo reluctantly stood in line with the other eight guys as they held hands for the final bow. He didn’t want the show to end, but it was over. They took one last bow and waved. One by one, they exited the stage.

Jungwoo could still hear the fans screaming for them.

Eventually, the screams faded away.

Which meant the post-show performance high was next. But it hadn’t faded quite yet.

“Who wants to order delivery?” Johnny called through the dressing room as they were all getting undressed and taking off make up.

“What delivery?” Yuta called back. “Everything is closed.”

“It’s 10:30.”

“Check UberEats.”

“Wow, everything is closed…”

“What’s wrong with your country, Johnny?”

“Sorry, we’re backwards here!”

Jungwoo listened to them in the background as he sat on one of the benches and pulled off his sweaty shirt. His clothes were in his bin but it was too far away.

“I found something,” Yuta said.

“Food?”

“No. Did you know this, Johnny? They have weed delivery here.”

“What?” Jungwoo glanced over to watch Johnny huddle next to Yuta and peer at their phone. Weed delivery? Jungwoo looked around but no one else seemed to be paying attention.

“Here.” Jungwoo looked up at Mark holding out Jungwoo’s hoodie. Jungwoo gave Mark a smile, taking it. Mark sat beside Jungwoo and began vigorously rubbing the make-up off his face with his wipe. Jungwoo watch him for a moment. It was really cute.

“You don’t have to rub so hard, Mark,” Jungwoo said, pulling his hoodie on.

“She put glitter on my eyelashes,” Mark said.

“Let me see…” Jungwoo gingerly took the make-up wipe from Mark. He didn’t see any glitter. He dabbed at the eyeliner smeared under Mark’s eyes. Mark rolled his eyes up with an impatient huff.

“If you rub too hard, you just smear the make-up all over the place,” Jungwoo chided him.

“If I rub it, I get the make-up off faster!”

Jungwoo leaned over to grab another wipe from the stash and carefully started over on Mark’s eyes, wiping off the black mess. Mark’s eyes were so big. Jungwoo wanted to stare at them. But he was distracted from his thoughts by Johnny’s voice in the background.

“I remember now it’s legal here,” Johnny said to Yuta.

“Let’s do it.”

“What are they talking about?” Mark asked Jungwoo, looking at Johnny.

“Weed.”

“What?”

“Marijuana,” Jungwoo clarified.

“Oh shit,” Mark said. “Won’t they get in trouble?”

Jungwoo shrugged.

“Jaehyun?” Johnny asked, looking across the room. Jungwoo watched Jaehyun shake his head.

“What’s this about weed delivery?” Haechan said, loudly, from across the room. Johnny gave him a look.

“Sorry, 95-liners and up only for this one.”

Haechan scoffed. “You just asked Jaehyun-hyung. I’m 21!”

Johnny ignored him. “Taeil?”

Taeil shrugged. “Why not?” he said.

“Taeyong?” Johnny asked.

Taeyong just raised his eyebrows and gave Johnny a look like, are you serious?

“Well, I didn’t want you to say that I didn’t ask you,” Johnny said. He nodded at the others. “Let’s go.”

Jungwoo watched Johnny. Yuta and Taeil leave. He had to admit, he was curious about weed. Would it be like taking the pain pill? Or would it be more like throwing up? One thing they talked about in the treatment program was that throwing up triggered natural endorphins that made you feel good right after doing something terrible. They were supposed to help your body through illness. But it happened when you made yourself throw up on purpose, too. Just like anything, people could get addicted to that high.

Jungwoo thought he was one of those people. He definitely missed the calm he felt after throwing up. The feeling—even if it was just for one second—that all his problems went away.

At least he could count on performing. He tried hard to hold onto the feeling.

“Do you wanna hang out?” Jaehyun asked, taking a seat next to Jungwoo and Mark.

They ended up watching movies in Doyoung’s room. It wasn’t anything special, but it was cozy and nice hanging out with everyone. Jungwoo felt calm. He felt happy. He felt all those things without throwing up.

Especially when Mark rested his head on Jungwoo’s shoulder as they were sitting together on the floor. He yawned wide enough for Jungwoo to count all his teeth.

Maybe it was the post-performance high, maybe it was the amazing show, maybe it was the White House somewhere in the near distance… Jungwoo didn’t know. But something felt different when he and Mark got back to their hotel room. Usually, they would go straight to their beds and pulled out their phones. The kissing didn’t start until they were going to sleep.

But tonight, Jungwoo found himself hovering near the inside of the doorway.

Mark didn’t go to his bed.

They looked at each other and didn’t say anything.

After a long moment, Mark let out a cute little giggle.

Jungwoo thought he knew another way to chase that high.

Mark ended up with his back against the wall. Jungwoo grabbed Mark’s face as Mark wrapped his arms around Jungwoo’s waist. This time it wasn’t just kissing. Jungwoo’s lips crashed against Mark’s, kissing him hard. Mark kissed him back with a needy, small moan that went straight to Jungwoo’s groin. Jungwoo dragged his tongue through Mark’s mouth, kissing him deeply. It was the first time they really used tongue and it felt more than good. Jungwoo sighed through his nose at the way Mark’s tongue lapped over his. He brushed his thumbs underneath Mark’s jaw. Mark nipped at Jungwoo’s lower lip and made Jungwoo jump in surprise.

“Sorry…” Mark mumbled against his lips.

“No, I liked it,” Jungwoo whispered, diving in for another kiss.

He pressed himself against Mark so Mark could feel how much he liked it. Mark groaned into his open mouth. Jungwoo felt aroused by the sounds of their kissing. He loved the way Mark’s tongue curled around his. Mark’s lips pressed against his delicately sometimes and then came back, rough. Mark slipped his hands under Jungwoo’s shirt and caressed his back. Mark’s hands were cold but Jungwoo didn’t mind.

They moved to Jungwoo’s bed. Jungwoo laid on top of Mark. He worried about his weight pressing on him too hard, but Mark didn’t seem to mind. Mark brought his knees up, pressing them against Jungwoo’s sides. It was surreal, kissing Mark like this. He dragged his tongue all the way through Mark’s mouth. He felt Mark’s breath fan across his face as he moaned. Jungwoo pressed his hands against the sides of Mark’s small waist.

He could feel that Mark was hard, too.

“Can I take off your shirt?” Jungwoo whispered.

Mark nodded.

Jungwoo tugged Mark’s shirt off and over his head, gently. He kept his hoodie on. He didn’t need Mark to see his belly and get turned off. He laid down on top of Mark again.

He could feel Mark’s heart racing against his.

“Are you okay?” Jungwoo asked, gently.

“Mmm hmmm…” Mark mumbled.

It felt good to be the one asking that question for once.

Jungwoo kissed the side of Mark’s neck and heard him moan in a different way. Jungwoo smiled, kissing him there again. He nipped Mark’s neck lightly, just like Mark had done to his lip. He kissed over Mark’s pale throat, feeling his moans reverberating right there.

“Oh…” Mark breathed out. Jungwoo sucked gently at Mark’s collarbone. Mark lifted his legs up higher, hooking them around Jungwoo’s waist. Jungwoo gasped when Mark rolled his hips up against him, pressing his hard dick against Jungwoo’s. He felt a hard shudder roll through his body.

“Wh-whoa…” Jungwoo groaned against Mark’s warm shoulder.

“I’m so hot—” Mark panted underneath him.

“Yes…” Jungwoo nipped at Mark’s ear. Mark giggled.

“We should take off our pants,” Jungwoo suggested.

“Okay.” Mark’s eyes were closed. Jungwoo tugged Mark’s sweatpants down over his hips, pulling them off. He got out of his own track pants in a hurry. Jungwoo sat back on his knees, taking it all in. He’d seen Mark naked plenty of times, but never with a hard-on for him tenting his black underwear. It was a good-sized tent.

“Jungwoo, don’t stare at me,” Mark said, his eyes popping open.

“You’re beautiful,” Jungwoo said, seriously.

“Don’t say stuff like that,” Mark said.

“Why not?”

“It’s weird.”

“It’s true.”

Mark grabbed Jungwoo’s face, holding him in place. Jungwoo stared into Mark’s eyes.

“You’re beautiful,” Mark said.

Jungwoo swallowed hard as Mark tugged off his hoodie and tossed it aside. Then Mark tugged Jungwoo down on top of him and kissed him again. Jungwoo shivered and moaned as his sensitive, bare nipples rubbed against Mark’s chest, but every fiber of his being was signaling how much he truly liked this.

They were kissing frantically as Mark tightened his legs around Jungwoo’s waist. This time, when Mark rolled his hips up against him, Jungwoo rolled his hips back. They still had their underwear on but Jungwoo didn’t care. In fact, he thought it was better this way. If Jungwoo felt Mark’s bare cock, he would probably come in negative two seconds. The underwear kept things at bay for a little while. Even though Jungwoo was already very close.

All Jungwoo could hear was the sounds of their pants and moans and heavy breathing filling the room. Jungwoo gripped Mark tightly as Mark’s hands roamed down his bare back to cup Jungwoo’s ass. Jungwoo knew they called this dry humping but he could feel the wet spot on Mark’s underwear. He rubbed his cock against it, over and over, feeling himself growing even harder. His breath caught in his throat. His hips shook. He pressed his mouth down against Mark’s shoulder, biting him lightly as he drove his hips against Mark’s one more time. Jungwoo cried out wordlessly as he came messily inside of his underwear. He wanted to touch Mark so badly but for some reason, he felt too shy to ask so he continued humping Mark and kissing against his sensitive neck until he heard Mark yell, “Fuck!”

He could feel Mark’s cock jerking in his underwear, the spreading wetness beneath him. Then there were just Mark’s whimpers and his heavy panting.

Jungwoo gave Mark a sweet kiss.

“Let’s get cleaned up,” he whispered against Mark’s lips. Mark nodded.

After their shower, they curled up together in Mark’s bed. This time, Jungwoo was curled up against Mark’s chest. Mark rested his chin over the top of Jungwoo’s head. Jungwoo held Mark close.

Mark was fast asleep.

Jungwoo’s heart wouldn’t stop racing. He didn’t want to let Mark go.

That’s it, he thought. He could still feel it, rolling through him. He closed his eyes and thought about all the sounds that Mark made. The way Mark pressed up against his. Even now he was getting excited, just lying there.

It was better than anything he’d experienced before.

Forget pills. Forget throwing up. Forget weed delivery. Maybe even forget performing on stage.

This was the high that Jungwoo craved.

*

“Let’s wait,” their tour manager said, standing up as the van pulled up outside of the Washington DC airport. “We need to wait for airport security.”

There was already a large crowd outside, maybe about 100 fans. They held up banners and posters and lightsticks and screamed for them. Jungwoo looked them over. He did his best to remember what Dr. Lim said. He took deep breaths. He tried to notice all the details around him. It was a dull gray day outside. Jaehyun was sitting beside him.

Jaehyun reached over and took his hand.

“You okay?” Jaehyun leaned in and whispered.

Jungwoo nodded. He glanced across the van at Johnny and Yuta, huddled together, talking about something.

Johnny and Jaehyun were boyfriends, yet Johnny was preoccupied with Yuta and Jaehyun was holding Jungwoo’s hand.

Was that how relationships worked?

It would explain why Mark was on the other van after last night.

“You look…” Jaehyun said. Jungwoo felt Jaehyun’s eyes boring through him.

Jungwoo turned to Jaehyun with a laugh. “What?”

“I don’t know.” Jaehyun reached out and poked Jungwoo’s cheek, lightly. “Different.”

Jungwoo shrugged. Maybe because he was only half a virgin now? He laughed a little to himself.

Jungwoo checked his phone. Mark hadn’t texted him or anything. They’d gone through their usual routine this morning, getting ready and packing. Jungwoo hoped they would kiss but they didn’t. That was okay, though. He could wait until tonight.

“Hey,” Jaehyun said, nodding his chin towards the window. “Just… a heads up, Jungwoo. They’re out there.”

Jungwoo followed his gaze. He saw the sasaengs with the white cameras positioned in the back of the crowd. They were always all together. Jungwoo didn’t look too closely. He couldn’t tell if she was there.

“Hey!” Johnny said, loudly, leaning towards them. “Jungwoo, tell us if any of them get close to you. We’ll… we were talking about this last night.” Yuta nodded beside him.

“Yeah,” Yuta said. “Tell us.”

Jungwoo nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. What would they do? And what kind of good ideas could they have possibly come up with in the middle of the night while they were getting high on delivery weed? Jungwoo didn’t think he was going to say anything. He was already in enough trouble.

“Don’t worry about them,” Jaehyun whispered to him. Jungwoo didn’t know if he was talking about the sasaengs or Johnny and Yuta.

A few minutes later, the entrance was flooded with airport security. They parted the fans, creating a path, a human chain, while the fans screamed on the other side. Jungwoo pointed out a sign to Jaehyun that said, JAEHYUN U R THE MC OF MY <3.

Jaehyun chuckled a little. “Cute.”

Jungwoo scanned the crowd again. He didn’t see any signs for him.

_What do you want from me?_

_Nothing._

Jungwoo took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to think about them. Instead, he thought about last night. He remembered the way he made Mark moan.

That calmed him down and excited him all at the same time.

“Let’s go,” their manager said. They got off and filed off the van.

Outside the screams were even louder. Phone cameras were in their face. Fans reached for them over the buff shoulders of the airport security personnel. They screamed for attention. They screamed in delight. They screamed their devotion and love. They screamed and screamed.

Jungwoo loved the roar he heard on stage. The cacophony of thousands of people who could be anywhere, who could love anything, but were right there in that space, that moment of time, enjoying them all together. He could feel it on stage like a bullet to the heart. It filled him with such pride that he and his teammates were so privileged to be the source of so much happiness.

But here, in an airport, it was different. Their desperate screams felt more like they were trying to devour him. So close, like zombies clawing for human flesh. There was no music in an airport. There wasn’t a performance. In an airport, the guys had nothing to offer the fans.

But they screamed for them anyway.

He could hear it through the screams. The steady click-click-click and he knew those long lenses could zoom in close enough to see any carefully hidden terror on his face. Long enough to see when he snuck out for a cigarette. Long enough to see the tears on his face in Japan.

Long enough to want nothing from him. Nothing but the chance to destroy him.

He wasn’t going to give them what they wanted. Not this time. He’d made that mistake too much in the past.

Only a few fans remained on the other side of security. They now had some American fans following them, along with the sasaengs from Korea. They walked in a pack like they were all together, towards the gate. Only this time, thankfully, they got a chance to escape to the first-class lounge. Only a couple of their Korean fans came with them.

“I discovered I love French toast sticks,” Haechan said, as Jungwoo followed him and Mark to the buffet in the lounge. “Do you think they have them here?”

“Those are for breakfast. It’s lunch now,” Mark said.

“So? In America, breakfast is any time.”

There weren’t any French toast sticks but there was a make your own macaroni-and-cheese bar. Mark assisted Jungwoo with ordering his bowl. Then they sat by the window and Jungwoo gobbled down his food until his heart rate finally started to slow down. Until the buzzing started to slowly fade from his ear.

He didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing it, but the chaos of the airport still set him on edge.

He thought he heard a click of a camera shudder behind him but when he turned around, it was nothing.

He reminded himself that he wasn’t going to let them win.

Jungwoo wanted to ask Mark what he thought about last night, but Haechan was there so he couldn’t. Instead, he messily left a string of cheese on the bottom of his lip and stared at Mark until Haechan said, “Jungwoo-hyung! You’ve got cheese all over your face.” Jungwoo frowned and wiped it off with his hand.

The flight from DC to Atlanta was only a couple of hours long. They hustled off the plane as soon as they landed with all the fans that flew with them chasing after them. Jungwoo didn’t even have time to look at the signs of the Atlanta fans who were waiting for them before they jumped on the vans, but he doubted there were any signs for him.

They stayed at fancy hotel in the heart of the city on one of the top floors. Looking out their window, Jungwoo could see the huge observational wheel not too far away.

“We have to go on that,” Jungwoo said, pointing.

Mark flopped down face first on his bed.

They end up going to the SkyView, the observational wheel, that night along with Doyoung, Yuta, Jaehyun and Johnny. Taeyong stayed in his room, like always. Haechan and Taeil wanted to back to the aquarium for a night exhibit on glow-in-the-dark sea creatures.

“Should one of us go with them?” Jaehyun asked, looking at the other two English speakers.

Johnny waved a hand. “They can handle it.”

They all sat together in one gondola, grouped by their roommate pairs. They were surrounded by windows on all sides, so they had a 360 view of Atlanta. That also meant any potential fans could have a 360 view of them but Jungwoo didn’t see any fans around.

The observation wheel was like a huge, very slow-moving Ferris Wheel. It stopped at the top to give them plenty of time to look around. Johnny wrapped his arm around Jaehyun’s shoulders and Jaehyun leaned against him. Doyoung and Yuta were trying to estimate how many kilometers they could see stretched out in front of them. Jungwoo watched Mark. Mark stood with his nose pressed against the glass.

“Dude, this is so cool,” Mark said, in a low voice. “I didn’t know Atlanta was so… big. I feel like I can see everything. I feel like I can see the whole world.”

Jungwoo glanced at Jaehyun and Johnny, who weren’t even looking, just talking to each other with their faces close, in low voices.

Jungwoo reached for Mark’s hand.

Mark gave Jungwoo a weird look and pulled it away, pressing it against the glass again.

“Jungwoo, come look at this,” Mark said.

That night, Jungwoo asked Mark if he could take his underwear off.

Mark laid on his back, breathing hard, his hands pressed against his bare chest as Jungwo slowly slipped Mark’s underwear down past his hips, his thighs and then his ankles, tossing them aside. He took a moment to take Mark in. His thin, slight body, completely naked and writhing in pleasure that Jungwoo had provided. Mark was hairier than Jungwoo had realized, even though he’d seen Mark naked plenty of times before.

Just not like this.

He leaned down and kissed the hollow of Mark’s hip, each one in turn, while Mark moaned and ran his fingers through Jungwoo’s hair. Jungwoo kissed down Mark’s thighs, pushed them apart a little more so he could kiss the inside of them. He gave Mark a small lick there. Mark giggled and jumped.

“It tickles,” Mark said, laughing.

Jungwoo grinned and kissed him there again.

It wasn’t too hard to figure out what to do, but Jungwoo was still nervous. His heart was pounding, but not in that frightening, frantic way it did when he was around a bunch of fans on the edge of a panic attack. No, this adrenaline was good. The exciting kind.

He only wanted to make Mark feel good.

Jungwoo knew he was doing something right by the way Mark’s moans changed. He sounded louder, more needy, when Jungwoo kissed all over his cock and then took Mark into his mouth. He imagined he was sucking a popsicle or licking his favorite ice cream. Mark tasted just as sweet.

Listening to Mark’s sounds made Jungwoo even harder.

This felt so good. Jungwoo couldn’t imagine needing anything else but this. Bending over Tupperware containers and sticking his fingers down his throat seemed like a million years ago. He couldn’t believe he ever thought that felt good. Not when he could have this.

Mark gave a sharp cry, babbling that he was about to come. Jungwoo didn’t pull away. He wanted Mark to come in his mouth. Mark pulled on his hair and yelped, his hips jerking as he came. It was hot but a little too much. Jungwoo tried to swallow but he ended up having to pull off and spit most of it out, coughing.

“Are you okay?” Mark said, panting, his eyes wide as he reached down to caress Jungwoo’s face. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to.”

“I liked it,” Jungwoo reassured him. He leaned up to give Mark a kiss after he licked off his lips.

“Hey…” Mark sat up when Jungwoo sat back on the bed. Mark reached for Jungwoo’s t-shirt. Jungwoo was still wearing his t-shirt and underwear. “You should take this off.”

Jungwoo blinked at him. Mark was so beautiful with his pale skin, messy hair and the moles on his face. He didn’t know anything else than being effortlessly perfect.

It wasn’t like that for Jungwoo.

“Do you think you’re fat?” Mark asked him in a whisper.

After a moment, Jungwoo nodded.

“You’re not,” Mark said.

“I’ve gained weight,” Jungwoo admitted.

“So? You’re not fat, Jungwoo. Don’t think that way. It scares me. Don’t think like that. Okay? I think you’re perfect.”

Jungwoo closed his eyes and let Mark take off his shirt. He laid back, his eyes still closed, his heart racing as Mark slowly kissed down the side of his jaw, his neck, his chest and kissed all over his stomach. His flabby stomach where all his weight went. But Mark kissed it with care.

“You’re perfect,” Mark said again, his lips pressed near Jungwoo’s belly button.

Jungwoo’s heart stuttered. He almost believed Mark.

Mark pulled his underwear down slowly. Then Mark looked up at him with a laugh.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said. Mark’s eyes were so bright. Jungwoo couldn’t imagine looking at anyone else.

“It’s okay, just make it up as you go,” Jungwoo teased.

Mark started kissing him again but this time it was all over Jungwoo’s cock. Jungwoo gasped and moaned out loudly. Mark giggled, which somehow made him feel even more turned on. Then Mark sucked him hard and Jungwoo’s eyes flew open, even though all he was seeing was stars.

 _I don’t need anything else_ , Jungwoo thought. _Everything’s going to be okay._

He’d finally found what he’d been looking for.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tour Stop #4: Chicago
> 
> CW:  
> \- recreational weed use

Johnny planned the activities in Chicago.

The first night he took them to a hot pot place in Chinatown. They didn’t even go with managers. Johnny ordered them two UberXLs from his own account. They all piled into a private room in the back of the restaurant and closed the door. For once, Jungwoo felt perfectly safe from the eyes of prying fans. Only the staff came in and out and they didn’t seem to care at all. Besides, Jungwoo was thoroughly distracted by the food. There was so much food to cook inside the flavorful broths. Jungwoo was having a really good time, even though Mark was sitting on the other side of the large table.

“I cooked this just for you,” Doyoung said, putting squid on his plate. Jungwoo stuffed it all in his mouth and pointed at the spicy broth.

“That one next time, hyung,” Jungwoo said. Doyoung obliged, dunking different seafood and meat pieces into the bubbling broth. Everyone was talking, eating and drinking the wine and beer on the table. Jaehyun, sitting on Jungwoo’s other side, poured his wine for him. Jungwoo enjoyed being fussed over for once.

He was in a good mood.

“Okay!” Johnny announced, standing up and clinking a metal chopstick against the side of his glass beer bottle. “Listen up! Soooooo…” Johnny paused dramatically. “I have some nighttime activities.”

“Red Light District?” Haechan called out. Everyone laughed and groaned while Haechan cackled.

“Chicago doesn’t have a Red Light District!” Johnny said.

“I’m sure it does,” Doyoung mumbled under his breath.

“My friend has a club,” Johnny said. “He invited us as his VIP guests. We’ll have bottle service and there’s a second floor VIP only section. So, we don’t have to worry. It’ll be fun. Who’s in?”

Everyone cheered and their voices overlapped each other, chiming in that they were in. Jungwoo raised his hand. Only Taeyong sat there, looking unamused.

“Okay,” Johnny said. “Another thing. I was thinking about the other night and well… I want tonight to be fun. So, I got you guys a present.” Johnny reached in the bag he’d brought with him and held up a plain Ziplock bag that was full of gummy bears. Jungwoo smiled. He loved candy but he hoped they were all getting their own bag. That wasn’t enough to share as dessert.

“Okay, these aren’t just gummy bears,” Johnny said, shaking the bag. “These are edibles.”

The other guys made shocked remarks and laughed, their voices overlapping once again. It took Jungwoo a moment to realize that Johnny was talking about weed edibles.

“It looks innocent but they’re not!” Johnny said. “It’s not something to play around with. But it’s fine in small dosages. I think everyone should be able to try if they want. It’s not a bad thing. So if you want… you can have one. Just one. Because this stuff can be powerful, especially if you’ve never done it before. Don’t underestimate an edible. Don’t do this without me, guys.”

“I’ll try it!” Haechan said, eagerly, holding his hand out. Taeyong scoffed, staring at Johnny.

“Don’t look at me like that, Yong,” Johnny said, hotly. “Recreational weed is legal in Chicago. The dosage isn’t too strong. I’ll keep an eye on them. I promise. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

“You better,” Taeyong said.

“Trust me, please?” Johnny said. “You know I always do the right thing.”

“While you’re high on weed?”

“I won’t be that high,” Johnny said.

“We’ll be there, hyung,” Doyoung chimed in. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. We’ll pretend to be dumb 20-somethings for a night, it’s fine.”

“We _are_ dumb twenty-somethings!” Johnny declared.

Johnny walked around the table, giving out gummy bears to whoever wanted one. Doyoung, Jaehyun and Taeyong declined. Jungwoo looked at the small gummy bear in his palm. It was blue and it looked like a gummy bear he would buy at 7-11. Not even much bigger.

“Chew it up well,” Johnny said. “And don’t say it didn’t work. It takes a while for it kick in because your body has to digest it. Plus, you’re taking it on a full stomach, but I did that on purpose. I want it to release slowly.”

“I’m done, hyung,” Haechan said, opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue.

“I said chew it!”

Jungwoo chewed his gummy bear up until it was completely liquefied and then swallowed.

He wondered what it would feel like.

At least it tasted way better than when he chewed up Taeyong’s oxy. He was sure was in a pathetic state back there. Jungwoo thought he should throw the other saved up pills away. Or return them to Taeyong.

He wasn’t going to need them again. Now Jungwoo was sure of it.

He smiled at Mark across the table. Mark gave him a thumbs up.

It was going to be a good night.

*

Jungwoo thought they’d go to the club right away, but they ended up going back to the hotel. Johnny said it wasn’t cool to get to the club before midnight, so they had some time to change and pre-game. Jungwoo stood with Mark in front of his bed, examining a collection of t-shirts they had gathered.

“I didn’t bring clothes for clubbing,” Mark said. “What are you going to wear?”

“Hmmmm…” Jungwoo tapped his chin. He leaned forward and grabbed one of the black t-shirts off the bed and held it up to Mark’s trim chest. “You should wear this one. It’ll make you look sexy.”

“I don’t wanna look _sexy_ ,” Mark sputtered, looking down at himself.

“I don’t think you can help it,” Jungwoo said, seriously. He smiled and draped the t-shirt over Mark’s shoulder. “Put it on.”

Mark laughed a little, pulling off his hoodie. “It’s cold outside, though!”

“It’s warm inside the club,” Jungwoo reasoned. He watched Mark put on his t-shirt. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He looked perfect in it. Jungwoo nodded

“Yeah,” he said. “Wear that. You can wear a hoodie until the club.”

Mark hurriedly pulled on the hoodie he’d been wearing all day. “What are you going to wear?”

“Uh…” Jungwoo looked over at the bed again. He fingered the yellow t-shirt. “I guess this one.”

“Yeah!” Mark said. “You look really good in yellow right now. I think because… your blonde hair.”

“Or maybe because I look good in general,” Jungwoo teased, but his heart lifted a bit, waiting for Mark’s answer.

“Of course.” Mark bobbed his head up and down, nodding. “I always think you look good.”

“Do you think I’m sexy?” Jungwoo looked over at Mark as he pulled off his own hoodie.

“Yeah…” Mark said, after a moment. Jungwoo bit his bottom lip, smiling to himself.

Then he did something he didn’t usually do. He moved closer to Mark. He gently grabbed his face. He kissed Mark when they had all the lights on, when they weren’t about to go to bed. Mark kissed him back, open-mouthed and sweet.

Jungwoo pulled away and laughed a little at Mark’s shy smile.

“I think they’re waiting for us,” Mark said.

Everyone was meeting in Johnny and Jaehyun’s room before they went to the club. Johnny supplied a lot of beer. They all sat around and talked, except for Taeyong, who wasn’t going.

“What’s it supposed to feel like?” Haechan asked from the floor. “How do you know when it’s kicking in?”

Johnny shrugged from the bed. He was lying across it with his head in Jaehyun’s lap. “It’s different for everyone,” he said. “But you know… it’s supposed to make you feel pretty mellow. You’re not going to feel or do anything crazy.”

“I don’t feel anyyyyything,” Haechan declared, flopping back on the floor. Jungwoo watched Yuta look at Haechan and snort. He was sucking on a lollipop. Taeil patted Haechan’s head.

“Just don’t drink too much,” Johnny told everyone. Jungwoo was sticking to one beer. He thought he felt it. He was feeling pretty chill, pretty happy. Mark was sitting beside him, acting as their DJ over the Bluetooth speaker in the room. It was cute watching him scroll for the perfect songs and asking Johnny’s opinion on almost every one.

Jungwoo had never felt closer to everyone. They hadn’t had too much time to hang out like this since even before he went to treatment. Before treatment, when he was being consumed by his eating disorder, Jungwoo was a total jerk so he didn’t want to hang out with anyone. He didn’t miss that Jungwoo at all.

This one was much nicer.

Jungwoo leaned his head against Doyoung’s leg, who was sitting on the bed. Doyoung looked down at him and stroked his hair, affectionately. How could Jungwoo not love him? He loved all his hyungs. Taeil was so funny. Yuta was so cool. Johnny was so calming. Jaehyun was so caring. Doyoung was so forgiving. Taeyong always wanted to the best for him. And Jungwoo loved his dongsaengs. Haechan had never treated Jungwoo any different. And Mark…

Jungwoo sighed a little to himself.

Mark was amazing.

“Someone’s feeling it,” Yuta said. Jungwoo felt his eyes on him.

“Me?” Jungwoo said.

Yuta burst out laughing. Everyone was looking at him and started laughing, too. Jungwoo smiled. For once, he didn’t care. Let them talk about him. Let them laugh. It only meant they loved him. Jungwoo loved them, too.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asked. Jungwoo nodded. He was better than okay. How could he not be?

Johnny announced that they were going to leave in 15 minutes, and they had a limo. Jungwoo didn’t think he’d ridden in a limo in America but he couldn’t quite remember. They all got up to make last minute arrangements. Mark had forgotten his wallet so Jungwoo followed him back to their room.

“I don’t know how I thought weed would feel,” Mark babbled on the way back to their room. “I thought it would feel bad but… I don’t feel bad. Is this wrong? This is drugs, right? I don’t feel bad!”

“Just feel it,” Jungwoo said, tapping the key card to let them in the room.

Grabbing Mark’s wallet took only a moment, but somehow, they ended up on the bed. Mark tasted like cherries.

“Did you drink any beer?” Jungwoo asked him. Mark shook his head and kissed him again. Jungwoo let his hand drift down to Mark’s ass. He rested it there before giving it a squeeze.

“Hey…” he said, softly. Mark rubbed his eyes, looking down at him.

“How do you feel?” Jungwoo asked.

“Really good,” Mark said, softly.

“I was wondering…” Jungwoo said, the idea forming in his mind as he was speaking. “Um… you know what I’ve been thinking about?”

Mark shook his head, still staring at Jungwoo with those bright, brown eyes. How were Mark’s eyes so big? He looked unreal. Jungwoo leaned up and kissed one of them.

“I’ve been thinking about… do you want to have sex?” Jungwoo asked. His heart wasn’t even racing. He felt completely relaxed about this. It felt like this conversation was always meant to happen.

Mark answered after a moment. “Okay,” he said.

“Do you want to?” Jungwoo asked again. “With me.”

Mark nodded. “Yes…”

“Have you ever…?”

Mark shook his head.

“Me neither,” Jungwoo said, but he felt excited about saying it. This felt like the ideal situation. He’d waited this long for a reason. Both of them had. It was fate. Everything Jungwoo had been through before was leading up to his moment which meant everything about his past was totally worth it.

Even his stupid eating disorder. It was all in the past.

“After the concert…” Jungwoo said. Tonight, seemed too soon. Tomorrow, they were going to Johnny’s house. Jungwoo needed a little time to prepare. And the adrenaline after the concert was the best. They’d both be in a good mood. They could channel it into sex. Jungwoo had had fantasies like this before. What would it be like to have sex backstage? Performing could honestly get him hot and bothered sometimes. It would be the perfect vibe.

“After the concert,” Mark repeated. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Jungwoo grinned. “Okay.” He kissed Mark again and pressed his hands against Mark’s back. They kissed until both their phones started ringing. Everyone was looking for them. Jungwoo checked himself in the mirror to make sure he didn’t look too crazy, but he couldn’t tell. Besides, he couldn’t stop grinning.

“You’re so high,” Yuta whispered in Jungwoo’s ear as they got in the limo.

But Jungwoo knew he wasn’t so high. Being super high was like being on the plane after the pain pill. It was like after throwing up. Being super high was being out of your body because you couldn’t stand it anymore.

Jungwoo wasn’t super high. He was just happy.

He’d almost forgotten what it was really like.

*

“Raise your hand if you have a hangover,” Johnny said the next day when they all met in a conference room in the hotel to get ready to visit Johnny’s parents at their house. Taeil raised his hand and groaned.

“I’m getting too old,” he moaned. Johnny laughed.

“How many shots did you do with that waitress?” Yuta teased.

“From her boobs!” Haechan clarified, as if they all hadn’t been at the club last night.

Taeil laughed. “One shot from her boobs, thank you.”

“Her boobs,” Haechan said, nodding. He looked at Johnny. “We both have hangovers, hyung.”

“I feel rough,” Yuta said, sitting on a table. “But I’m okay.”

“Mark? Jungwoo?” Johnny asked. Jungwoo smiled. Mark waved his hand side to side and shrugged.

“I have a hangover from looking after idiots,” Doyoung said, dryly.

“They weren’t that bad,” Johnny said. “Good job everyone. I’m just making sure my mom has stuff ready.” He checked his phone and frowned. “Taeyong says he’s not coming…”

Everyone broke into side conversations while they waited for the vans to pick them up. Jungwoo looked over at Mark who was sitting by himself and texting. They hadn’t done anything last night after they got back from the club. Mark pretty much passed out right away. Jungwoo was still awake, so he laid in his own bed for a while and watched porn. It wasn’t the first time he’d watched porn, but it was the first time it felt like homework. He wanted to make sure he knew what he was doing. But even after watching approximately 15 scenes on PornHub, Jungwoo didn’t feel quite prepared.

Jaehyun came over and sat next to Jungwoo. “How are you?” he asked, in his deep, comforting voice. Jungwoo rested his head against Jaehyun’s shoulder. Jaehyun put an arm around him.

“I’m fine, hyung,” Jungwoo said. He loved that this was actually the truth. He’d gotten so sick of lying. There was something else he wanted to be honest about. He wanted to ask Jaehyun about sex, but he wasn’t sure how to go about it. Jaehyun would probably ask too many questions and tell Johnny. Then Johnny would ask too many questions. It would get weird.

“We had fun last night,” Jaehyun said. Jungwoo nodded with a small hum.

“Yeah, we did,” Jungwoo said, smiling. It was fun just dancing and being silly. They met a few people in the VIP section and formed a big party. There were no cameras. No stress. Jungwoo actually did feel normal for a little while.

“Let’s have fun all the time,” Jaehyun said. “I like seeing you happy.” Jaehyun gave Jungwoo a squeeze and nuzzled his hair.

There was a time when Jaehyun doing that would send Jungwoo’s heart into overdrive.

But now, he only smiled. He looked across the room at Mark, who had finished his text. Mark caught his eye and smiled and then pretended to fall asleep. Jungwoo laughed a little.

He was so glad things were different now.

They arrived at Johnny’s parent’s house about an hour later. Johnny’s parents greeted them at the door with big smiles and tight hugs. There was all sorts of food, including hangover soup. Jungwoo had no problem helping himself to almost everything.

Being at Johnny’s house felt comfortable and cozy, especially after last time. Johnny’s parents had found even more embarrassing pictures of him as a baby, including one where he had wet his pants. Jungwoo nearly wet his own pants, laughing.

Later, Jungwoo sat on the couch, listening to Johnny and Jaehyun mess around on the piano. Johnny’s mom sat next to him and gave him a hug. Jungwoo smiled, leaning against her. It was always good to have a hug from a mom, especially when he hadn’t seen his mom in almost two months.

“We are so happy you’re back and you’re healthy,” Johnny’s mom said. “Johnny was so worried about you. We were worried about you, too. Stay healthy, Jungwoo. We only want the best for you.”

Jungwoo nodded, not even feel embarrassed about this like he usually did. He only felt loved.

“I will,” Jungwoo promised. “I’m going to stay healthy. I’m much better now.”

“You are the sweetest, funniest, most talented boy,” Johnny’s mom said, giving him another squeeze. She whispered in his ear. “Don’t tell Johnny I said that.”

Jungwoo laughed and hugged Johnny’s mom back.

They spent all day hanging out and eating and talking, different family friends of Johnny’s wandering in and out of the chaos. By early evening, everything was winding down. Johnny played a movie in the rec room and everyone was gathered around on the couches and the floor, watching or chilling. A couple of his members were asleep. Jungwoo felt very calm, sitting next to Mark on the couch and watching the movie.

But he still had something on his mind.

He spotted Yuta get up to go to the bathroom. Jungwoo got up quickly to follow him. “Hyung,” he asked, when they were in the hallway. Yuta yawned widely and turned to look at him.

“’Sup, Woo?” he asked.

“Can I talk to you?” Jungwoo asked. “In private?”

Yuta raised his eyebrows, curiously. “Of course. Lemme piss first.”

Jungwoo waited for Yuta in the hallway, trying not to feel nervous. When he was done, they both headed upstairs and out the back door, wandering into the backyard. The sun was setting slowly, casting golden orange light everywhere. It was the perfect lighting to take Instagram pics. But Jungwoo had a bigger mission. They stood in the middle of the backyard, completely alone as everyone else was inside. It was a bit too chilly to be out there without a coat, now that the sun was going down, but Jungwoo was sure they could stand it for a few minutes.

He took a deep breath.

“What’s up?” Yuta asked.

Jungwoo let his breath out slowly. “I wanted to ask you about sex.”

Yuta widened his eyes for a moment and then settled into a slow smile. “Oh. Really? What about it?”

Jungwoo licked over his lips. It was awkward but he forced himself to go on, pushing his hair out of his face. “How to… you know… have sex for the first time.”

He braced himself for Yuta to start laughing. But Yuta only nodded. “Yeah? You’re ready for that? Are you sure?”

Jungwoo nodded. “Don’t ask me who,” he said, quickly. He hadn’t told Mark about this, so he wanted to keep Mark’s name out of this, just in case. He wasn’t sure how Mark felt about everyone knowing. After all, even Jaehyun and Johnny kept their relationship a secret at first. It was probably the best thing to do.

“I won’t,” Yuta said. “So, what do you want to know?”

Jungwoo sighed, heavily. “Just like… how…?” He made a face. “How do you know if you’re going to be good at it?”

Yuta smiled, but not in a teasing way. “I don’t think anyone is good at it the very first time,” he said. “It’s a learning experience.”

Jungwoo couldn’t help frowning. That wasn’t exactly the answer he was looking for. “What should I learn?” he asked.

“Learn what you like… and what your partner likes…” Yuta trailed off. “Learn how to trust each other. How to make each other feel good. Stuff like that. It takes practice.”

Jungwoo sighed a little. Now he was starting to feel a little bit nervous.

“That’s why you should only do it if you feel ready and you trust the person you’re with.”

Jungwoo nodded. He felt both of those things, he was sure of it. “I do,” Jungwoo said.

“Okay.” Yuta crossed his arms. “So, take your time and… talk a lot. Go slow and don’t push things. Use a lot of lube. Water-based lube, don’t get anything crazy. And wear a condom.”

“Even if we haven’t done it before?” Jungwoo asked.

“Yeah. You can’t be too careful. Plus, it’ll make things easier. I’ll give you some stuff. It’ll help you.” Yuta slung his arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders and pulled him closer. “Awwww… Jungwoo—”

Jungwoo laughed, shoving Yuta and ducking away. “No, hyung!”

“You’re growing up!”

Jungwoo covered his ears as Yuta laughed. “I can’t hear you!”

Yuta grabbed him again, pulling him into a tight hug. “I’m honored you came to me. Let me know how it goes, okay? I’m sure you’ll be just fine, Jungwoo-ah!”

Jungwoo groaned but he was laughing, too. He felt embarrassed but proud of himself, too.

It felt good to talk about something real. Maybe he really was going to stop lying.

Later that night, Yuta stopped by Jungwoo’s room and gave him a small gift bag. Jungwoo opened it by himself in the bathroom. Inside was a bottle of lube, a box of condoms and a small book. Jungwoo flipped the book open. It was a book of sexual positions, detailed with drawings. Jungwoo wondered if Yuta just had this in his suitcase or if he bought it somewhere, just for Jungwoo. Whatever the case, the book was more helpful than porn. Jungwoo studied it for a little while, sitting on the bathroom floor.

Jungwoo wanted to show Mark everything but when he came out, Mark said he had a stomachache, so he was going to sleep early.

“Okay,” Jungwoo said. “Can I get you anything?”

Mark shook his head, rolling away from Jungwoo. “I’m just going to sleep it off.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Mark. I hope you feel better. I can’t wait until tomorrow.”

Mark didn’t say anything.

*

The Chicago concert was their best concert yet.

They always had an amazing concert in Johnny’s hometown, but this one felt better than the last one. They were in a bigger venue, surrounded by more fans and performing even better music than last time. Jungwoo felt incredible. He was hitting every dance move, every note. He felt like he was performing to the best of the abilities.

He was at the top of his game.

Johnny’s ending ment lasted for at least 20 minutes, but no one said anything because he was making everyone cry as he expressed his gratitude and joy for all the members in NCT 127 and for the city of Chicago. The crowd wouldn’t stop screaming for them. They did six encore songs instead of their usual three. The song would end, the crowd would cheer and then start chanting NCT! NCT! NCT! and Johnny would yell, “Let’s do another one!”

Jungwoo didn’t even feel tired as they gathered for the final bow, even though he was breathing so hard. They bowed deeply and came up waving. Johnny was the last one off the stage, but Jungwoo lingered for a long time, waving at everyone.

He wanted to thank them for giving him an incredible memory.

And now he was even more ready for tonight.

Jungwoo got undressed quickly. He couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel. But as usual, the other members were dragging their feet. Plus, Johnny’s family and friends were backstage, so the guys were taking time to say hi, take pictures and hang out with them.

Jungwoo sat dressed in the green room with Doyoung, Yuta and Taeil. Jaehyun came out of some room, dressed in slacks, a blazer and a tie. Jungwoo had to do a double take because he looked really good, much better than he should look after a concert.

Yuta let out a low whistle. “Whoa, Jaehyun, where are you going?”

Jaehyun blushed a little. “I’m meeting Johnny’s parents at a wine bar.”

“Are you getting engaged?” Doyoung asked seriously. Jaehyun rolled his eyes a little.

“Yeah, why are you so dressed up?” Yuta asked.

“It’s a classy place,” Jaehyun said. “No, I am not getting engaged.”

“Would he know?” Taeil wondered.

“If you get engaged, call me right away,” Doyoung said. “I should be the first one to know.”

“What about me!” Yuta said.

Jaehyun chuckled a little. Jungwoo was staring. He couldn’t help himself.

“You look really nice, hyung,” Jungwoo said. Jaehyun smiled at him.

“Thank you. Since when is Jungwoo the only normal one here?” Jaehyun waved bye to them, running his hand over Jungwoo’s hair as he left. Jungwoo watched Jaehyun go.

That would be him and Mark one day.

Having a very important dinner with each other’s parents.

Maybe at that dinner they would get engaged.

It was the perfect night to slip away. Everyone was doing their own thing after the concert. They even took two different trips back to the hotel. Mark stayed behind at the venue for a little bit for some reason. That was okay. It gave Jungwoo a little time to prepare.

He decided it would be best if they took a shower together. But he got undressed and put on the hotel bathrobe.

He put out the lube and the book.

He felt very grown up ordering a bottle of wine from room service.

It arrived just before Mark walked through the door. He dropped his bag on the floor.

“Hey, Mark,” Jungwoo said. He was sitting on Mark’s bed. Mark looked like he almost forgot Jungwoo was in the room. Jungwoo smiled, anyway.

“I got us some wine,” he said, pointing to the wine bucket on the table.

Mark stood where he was and didn’t say anything.

Jungwoo smiled a bit harder, feeling more nervous now that the moment was actually here. But he told himself to remember what Yuta said. They should take it slow.

“Do you want some wine?” Jungwoo asked.

Mark didn’t say anything. The longer Mark stood there, the more Jungwoo felt his smile slipping off his face.

“What’s… wrong?” Jungwoo asked after a few moments of silence. “Does your stomach still hurt?”

Mark looked away.

“Mark?” Jungwoo said.

Mark looked at him again and took a deep breath. Then Mark walked over and sat next to Jungwoo, but as far away as he could without falling off the bed. Suddenly, Jungwoo felt so exposed. He pulled his bathrobe closed, tighter.

“Mark,” Jungwoo said, again, plainly.

“I’m sorry, Jungwoo,” Mark blurted out, making a face.

Jungwoo’s heart clenched.

“I don’t…” Mark said, slowly. “I don’t think I can do this. I thought… maybe you wouldn’t remember…”

“Of course, I would,” Jungwoo said, tersely. He could hardly look at Mark right now. It felt like the room was spinning all of a sudden.

“I know.” Mark paused. “I’m sorry.”

Jungwoo swallowed hard. The silence stretched out between them, endlessly. Jungwoo thought it might be the next day before he finally asked, “Why?”

Mark didn’t say anything for a little bit.

“Don’t you like me?” Jungwoo asked, in a small voice. He hated that he sounded that way, but he couldn’t help it.

“Yes!” Mark blurted out. “I do… you’re my friend. Jungwoo—” Mark sighed. “I… I don’t know what to say. A few… weeks ago when I was doing the Dream comeback, we were all talking. I-I-well… Haechan, Jeno and Jaemin… they’ve all done it. I started feeling… so…” Mark chuckled a little. “So lame. I don’t know. So behind…” Mark sighed again.

Jungwoo felt Mark shift towards him. He turned his head, forcing himself to look at Mark.

“I had a lot of fun fooling around and I _wanted_ to,” Mark insisted. “When I said yes. But I started thinking about it more and…” Mark took another breath. “I always imagined my first time would be with someone I loved.”

Mark’s words felt like a punch to the gut. No. More like he had been stabbed. Jungwoo had to physically restrain himself from gasping.

“I realized I need to wait for that. To make myself happy. I shouldn’t compare myself to others. Who cares, right? We have our whole life to have sex. Plus, I probably shouldn’t have agreed to that while I was high.” Mark reached for Jungwoo and took his hand. It was the first time he’d done that. “You’re one of my best friends, Jungwoo. I don’t wanna jeopardize that.”

Jungwoo pulled his hand away.

“You wouldn’t,” Jungwoo said, before he could stop himself. God, could he be pathetic.

Mark looked unconvinced. “I want you to be my friend forever,” he said. “I’m sorry, Jungwoo. I love you, you know. Please understand…”

Jungwoo understood, alright. Mark loved him. Jaehyun loved him. Everyone loved him.

But not like that. No one would ever love him as more than a friend.

Every single time Jungwoo put himself out there, he got rejected.

_I always imagined my first time would be with someone I loved._

Someone Mark truly loved.

Not Jungwoo.

Never him.

Mark needed to be on drugs to even consider sleeping with him.

Jungwoo had just been a little nighttime experiment. And now the experiment was over.

Jungwoo didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure he could breathe.

He felt the weight of the bed shift underneath him as Mark got up.

“I’m sorry,” Mark said, again. “I’m… I’m going to spend the night with Haechan and Taeil, okay?”

Mark didn’t wait for an answer. Jungwoo didn’t look at him. He heard the door open and then close with a soft click.

_Don’t you like me_?

_Yes! I do… you’re my friend._

Jungwoo would never be anything more than a friend.

And Mark was probably lying about that.

Jungwoo sat there for a long time. At first, all he could hear in his mind was the conversation with Mark. He heard Mark turning him down over and over again. Telling Jungwoo that he’d never be good enough. He would never be someone that anyone could love.

But after a while, another voice crowded in.

_You know what you should do._

The only thing he was worthy of. The only thing he was good at. The only thing that would never let him down.

Fuck it. What was he getting better for anyway?

His life was never going to change. He would never be someone’s first choice.

He would always be worth _nothing_.

Jungwoo grabbed the room service menu. Then he picked up the phone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A free day in Chicago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:
> 
> \- Graphic depiction of a binge/purge session  
> \- Thoughts of self harm  
> \- Prescription drug abuse

Jungwoo remembered what they told taught him in the treatment center. Ways to stop a binge:

  * _Identify your true feelings_ (Jungwoo was hurt, lonely and embarrassed)
  * _Write down your feelings to get them out_ (Jungwoo didn’t have any paper)
  * _Practice mindfulness_ (All Jungwoo could see when he closed his eyes was Mark’s face)
  * _Take a walk_ (It was after midnight in Downtown Chicago)
  * _Call a friend_ (Jaehyun was busy with Johnny and his parents)
  * _Get professional support_ (Dr. Lim had dropped him)
  * _Remember you’re not alone!_ (Jungwoo was always completely and utterly alone)



Everything he’d learned was bullshit. Nothing lasted. Nothing was going to work for him. Why did he even bother trying? He missed not being able to think. He missed not being able to feel. He missed the intense pleasure. He missed the pain. He missed the punishment.

It was what he deserved.

He was looking forward to it.

Jungwoo knew the right thing to do. He always did. But nobody else cared, so why should he? Jungwoo had to wait about 30 minutes for the food so he started by chugging the wine. It was hard to chug. He didn’t really like wine that much, he decided. But it was it was better than nothing. He’d definitely eaten worse things in the middle of a binge.

 _You don’t have to do this_ , a voice in his head said.

When did the stupid wine kick in? He didn’t want to hear the voice of reason anymore.

_What if Mark calls you? What if Mark comes back? Do you want him to see you like this?_

Of course, he didn’t. Jungwoo would die if Mark saw him like this. He knew Mark was scared of seeing this very thing. But he knew Mark wasn’t calling or coming back to the room tonight. Why would he? If Mark felt even one third of how embarrassed and stupid and undesirable and terrible as Jungwoo felt right now, Mark was never going to able to look him in the eyes again.

Thinking about that hurt.

He’d ruined their whole friendship.

Mark would never look at him the same.

He’d just be some fat _loser_ that Mark almost slept with and thank god he didn’t. Thank god he waited for someone better, someone he could love. Mark probably had so many regrets about hooking up with Jungwoo. He was probably telling the others and laughing at him right now. They were always laughing at him? Why did everyone else get life so well and Jungwoo never did? Why couldn’t he fit in? Why was he was so _weird_?

The room shifted to the side sharply all of a sudden. The wine was making him dizzy.

Jungwoo stumbled to the mini bar. He’d forgotten about that. It was full of overpriced snacks, tiny liquor bottles, a few soft drinks and a couple bottles of water. Jungwoo sat on the floor and opened a Snickers. He crammed it in his mouth. There was a small can of Pringles. Not the best thing to binge. The sharp edges poked into his gums when he crunched down but he welcomed the sting of the cut and the burn of too much salt. A bag of M&Ms. A tin of nuts. A dark chocolate Lindt bar.

He didn’t taste a thing.

He unscrewed the liquor bottles one by one. Maybe he’d die of alcohol poisoning. But it was impossible because he was going to throw it up in like a half hour anyway. Unfortunately, he’d be fine. He didn’t even know what the liquor was. He just tossed them back, one by one. They all stung and one made him cough so hard it came back up his nose, dripping onto the floor.

Great. The disgustingness had already begun.

Jungwoo looked up from the fridge when he heard a knock on the door. “Leave!” he yelled, somehow finding the word in English even though his brain was so foggy. It took him a moment to get up. He quickly chugged a bottle of water. He couldn’t pass out drunk before he finished the binge. That would defeat the purpose.

Jungwoo opened the door and pulled the cart in. There were so many trays of food for one o’clock in the morning. If he was in a different state of mind, he would have wondered what the kitchen thought. But right now, he didn’t care.

He sat on the floor, right on the inside of the doorway which was as far as he could tug the cart inside. He took off the top of the first tray on the bottom of the cart. All the food was steaming hot. Not ideal, but he went for it anyway. The first dish was spaghetti. He didn’t bother with the fork, didn’t even know where they were. This was part of the deal. It had been a really long time since he had a binge like this. Not since he was alone in the dark next to the river, when he finally decided he needed help. Jungwoo wasn’t going to think about that. He needed a proper binge where he could lose himself while he was eating like a wild animal. When he binged like this, it was like he wasn’t even in his own body.

He wished he could always stay away.

Jungwoo licked spaghetti sauce off his elbow. He shoved hunks of bread in his mouth. He practically swallowed the huge meatballs down whole, but he forced himself to chew. The butter pats were good too, melting in his mouth. There was no time to take a proper bite. Only time to get it all inside him.

Jungwoo didn’t remember what he ordered so every tray was a surprise. Pizza. Chicken tenders. Macaroni and cheese. Cheese wasn’t great for throwing up but he ate it anyway. There was no way he was leaving any evidence.

Jungwoo let his robe fall off his shoulders. Somehow, it felt better doing this naked. He could see his flabby, distended stomach in front of him, getting fatter and fatter. It was never going to stop. Why should he stop? He had a burger and curly fries. Jungwoo loved American curly fries but right now he didn’t care about enjoyment. All he cared about was stuffing himself to the brim.

He could feel the alcohol sloshing uncomfortably in his stomach as he ate a handful of curly fries. He had to swallow hard to get them all down. The unchewed crunchy ends poking him in the throat. The next dish was salmon. He really did order everything off the menu. Jungwoo tried but he couldn’t do it. He didn’t have the same capacity as before. His body wanted to reject everything, which was the point but Jungwoo didn’t want his body to control it. He wanted to decide when the was going to hit reverse.

Jungwoo sat back and took a deep breath, shaking as he wiped off his mouth. His stomach hurt. He could feel the food backing up his esophagus. The floor was a mess. Trays and plates were everywhere. There were still more trays of food on the top of the cart. Jungwoo closed his eyes, swallowing hard. He was so full it was hard to breathe. Good. Maybe he’d stop. But he didn’t.

It never happened like that.

Jungwoo crawled to the bathroom because straightening up to stand hurt too much. He knew he should drink some water, but it was too much work and he was too impatient. Tears dripped from his cheeks into the toilet bowl as he lifted the seat, but he wasn’t sad. He didn’t feel anything. The tears were from the pain.

He barely had to use his fingers to get started. His body was way too full, happy to get rid of the food. He heaved as soon as he opened his mouth, vomiting hard. It felt good but it didn’t last once his stomach had relieved the pressure enough. That’s when he needed to use his fingers, shoving them down his throat deep enough until his stomach contracted sharply. He threw up all over his hand, but he didn’t pull away. Instead he kept gagging himself, relishing the pain in the back of his throat and the bottom of his stomach, savoring the stench filling his nose.

It was strange how much he’d missed this part. But he really did.

He loved that he was still good at it.

He stabbed the back of his throat with his fingers over and over again until the heaves produced nothing but a sharp pain in the pit of his stomach and bile. Until he was completely empty, disgusting and satisfied.

He pulled spaghetti from his nose.

He had to flush three times.

He collapsed back on the tile with a sigh when he was done, closing his eyes. This was the best part. When his breathing evened out from all the gasping and heaving. When he felt floaty and content and relaxed. Nothing else mattered. The world was completely still. His soul felt at peace. He figured this was the closest you could get to death while you were alive.

That’s why he liked it.

Jungwoo wished he could just drift away.

But the feeling never lasted. He didn’t know how long he laid there but reality started to bleed through. He had a headache. He had a stomachache. His throat hurt. His hand hurt. He was cold, lying naked on a tile floor. Everything smelled like vomit. He was so tired.

He still had food left.

Jungwoo forced himself to get up. He limped back to the cart and looked at the plate with the salmon again. Was there anything worse than cold, slimy fish? But nothing was too horrible for him. Not when he was in the middle of a binge, not ever. He took a deep breath and reminded himself of how good it felt. He reminded himself that he didn’t want to think.

Jungwoo stuffed the limp fish in his mouth.

He finished everything that was left and started all over again.

Hours later, sunlight filtered through the slats of the window curtains. Jungwoo was on his bed. His whole body was tingling. He didn’t feel good. He curled up on his side and checked the time on his phone. It was 6:06 am. Then he noticed a message from Mark. It had come at 2:12am.

 **Mark:** Hey, are you okay?

Jungwoo wasn’t sure what he’d been doing at that time. Maybe he was puking. Maybe he’d been passed out. He wished he could be passed out right now.

He wondered how long his heart had been racing. He just woke up; how could it be racing like this? He pressed a hand against his chest. The room was a complete mess. If Mark came back now, he would totally freak out. Jungwoo would be on the first plane back to Korea and out of a job.

 _You have a choice_ , the voice in his head said. The one he couldn’t shut up.

Jungwoo remembered what Doyoung had said to him. _You’ll tell me if you’re having a hard time? We’re not going to let it get bad again… right?_

He could go to Doyoung and Yuta’s room right now and tell them everything. Yuta already knew half of the story. What would they do? What _could_ they do? Jungwoo was obviously beyond saving. He had failed time and time again. This wasn’t his first time. He’d already left the group twice for being crazy and sick. What would they say? Would they be disappointed? Would they be surprised? Would they both laugh and say, we always knew you couldn’t cut it, Kim Jungwoo, goodbye.

 _Of course, they wouldn’t say that_ , the reasonable voice said. _They love you. They wanna help you_.

But Jungwoo was sick of being loved like that. He was sick of being loved because he was fragile or messed up or because they all felt sorry for him. Jungwoo wanted to be loved because he was talented and strong… a man. When was he ever going to achieve that?

He knew he should tell them. It wasn’t too late to turn things around. He’d had a bad night. The treatment center told him that he might slip. Relapse happened sometimes. If Jungwoo asked, Doyoung would hold him all day and let him cry. Yuta would get them food. They could all be together. They could talk about options later.

But Jungwoo didn’t want to do that. He was sick of being so weak. Why did he have to go to that place again? How did he always end up back here?

There was another choice.

Jungwoo could be better. This time he wouldn’t get caught.

He’d learned a lot from the treatment center. Some of the women there had been hiding this secret for _years_. A lot were surprised he ended up there after only a few months.

He wasn’t good at hiding it.

Like going to the bathroom after every meal? That had to stop.

Hiding the actual vomit? That wasn’t going to happen either.

Jungwoo knew he could be better. He had already convinced everyone he was normal. They thought he was cured. He had them fooled already. All he had to do was be better at it.

If no one found out, he could have his cake and eat it too.

Jungwoo laughed to himself. Have his cake and puke it, too, he thought. That was the expression for him.

Lies were his favorite thing after all. He just had to be more careful.

Didn’t that seem like the best solution? He wasn’t meant to stop. He’d tried and he kept failing.

No, he told himself. He could get through this. He was stronger now. He was better. He made a mistake. But he wasn’t going to be that weak person anymore.

He told himself he was going to be a better Kim Jungwoo.

No one was able to help him. But he could do it on his own.

Jungwoo took a long shower and got dressed. It was still way too early for any of his bandmates to be awake. That was okay because he didn’t want to see anyone.

He made his way down to the lobby, walking up to the front desk. Using a combination of his best English and Google Translate on his phone, he asked for someone to clean his room. He also paid for the room service and mini bar charges with his own credit card. He made sure they wouldn’t add it to the room bill. Jungwoo didn’t need to company knowing about this.

One thing they talked about in treatment was how expensive this disease was. Jungwoo’s binge cost him almost 400 dollars, along with the bottle of wine he bought for Mark. Jungwoo sighed to himself, signing the receipt.

Another reason to stop. He really shouldn’t do this again.

Jungwoo looked around the busy lobby, full of people with places to go and people who loved them. Jungwoo had neither of those things. Today was another free day in Chicago, so nowhere to go. He had imagined he’d spend it with Mark cuddling in the afterglow and hopefully having sex again. Now he didn’t have any plans.

He certainly didn’t have anyone who loved him.

Jungwoo went and sat down on a couch with a sigh. There was no need to return to the room until it had been cleaned. He couldn’t risk running into the maids. If they saw him, they would be so disgusted by the mess he’d made. Jungwoo had done his best to clean the bathroom after his shower but he knew he didn’t get it all. He never did.

Jungwoo stared at the restaurant across the lobby.

There was such an easy way to feel better. The bathroom was right next door.

Jungwoo tapped his leg, restlessly. No, he decided. He wasn’t going to give in again. He was better now. He wasn’t going to do that anymore. He’d had one bad night.

One bad night.

Who wouldn’t have a bad night if they realized they were going to be alone for the rest of their life and die a virgin?

Jungwoo leaned his head back on the couch and stared up. The ceiling was so high, breaking into a skylight where the Chicago morning sun filtered in.

Did Jungwoo like Mark? Seeing Mark never made his heart race in quite the same way that it did when he was around Jaehyun. But he definitely liked kissing Mark and he always liked being around Mark. Like Mark said, they were best friends. Jungwoo didn’t want to lose that.

But it was already lost.

Jungwoo leaned forward, pressing his face in his hands. He was so stupid. He was so undesirable. He was so unworthy. He was incapable of being loved. He couldn’t make these thoughts stop. He couldn’t get rid of the sting and shame of constant rejection and failure. He only wanted it to stop. But it was on an infinite loop in his brain every time he was awake.

Maybe the key was not to be awake.

Jungwoo sat up again, remembering the plane ride to America.

Taeyong’s pain pills. Those knocked him right out.

He wondered if they would work again.

The hotel cleaning staff had not yet made it to Jungwoo and Mark’s hotel room. Jungwoo cringed as the smell hit him again. It was so hard to get rid of the smell of vomit. Everything was so disgusting in the aftermath. Why couldn’t he ever stop himself in the moment?

He prayed Mark wouldn’t come back before the cleaning staff finished. But for Jungwoo, it didn’t matter. He deserved to live in filth, especially since it was situation that he created himself. Jungwoo sniffed, shuffling into the bathroom. His bathrobe was on the floor along with his wet towels from the shower he’d taken that morning. Jungwoo had barely washed his face and his still slightly damp hair was under his beanie. He did his best to ignore all of that as he reached for his toiletry bag. He found the three pills he’d stolen tucked away where he left them.

Jungwoo remembered what it was like to take the first pill. It felt like he was floating. Actually, he didn’t _feel_ anything. He liked that part.

He also remembered that he was completely out of it and the way Johnny, Jaehyun and Taeyong had stared at him after they landed. Even Doyoung knew. He couldn’t risk that happening again. He needed to think like the women in his treatment program. The ones who could successfully hid their disease.

Unlike Jungwoo.

He went out and grabbed a big steak knife from one of the many meals he’d consumed last night. How did he eat all of that? He didn’t want to think about it.

He took the knife to the bathroom. Jungwoo looked at himself in the mirror. His face was pale, and his lips were chapped. For a crazy moment, he imagined stabbing himself in the neck with the knife. Jungwoo flinched and closed his eyes, tightly. He didn’t want to have those thoughts. Why was he so messed up all the time? Wasn’t he supposed to be better?

Jungwoo took a shaky breath, willing the thought away. It wasn’t the first time something like this had flashed into his mind. He knew if he told Dr. Lim about it, Dr. Lim would just tell him not to think like that. Besides, it wasn’t like Dr. Lim wanted to talk to him anyway.

Jungwoo lined up the pills on the bathroom counter, his hand shaking. One pill knocked him out but half a pill would probably work better. He just wanted to not feel and he didn’t want to have any more crazy thoughts. He had to make it through the day somehow. Especially if he wasn’t going to throw up.

The pill was harder to cut than he thought. He had to push down with the knife and rock it back and forth. One of the pills went flying and he had to crawl on the floor and carefully coax it from under the toilet. But after about ten minutes, he’d successfully cut all three pills. Jungwoo slipped five of the halves back into his toiletry back and popped the remaining half in his mouth. Jungwoo winced, sucking and crunching down on the bitter, terrible tasting pill. It tasted so bad, he shuddered. But he kept chewing anyway, until the pill was nothing but a thick sludge that he swallowed down painfully.

Jungwoo rubbed his throat and blinked away his tears.

 _Why do you keep doing this to yourself, Jungwoo?_ the voice in his head asked.

Jungwoo knew why.

He deserved it.

*

It was cold outside, especially with the way the wind whipped over the tip of Jungwoo’s ears, whistling all around him. He guessed that’s why they called Chicago the Windy City. The wind wasn’t strong enough to blow him away, but it was definitely strong enough to freeze him. Jungwoo didn’t mind. He liked that his face was numb.

He didn’t know if it was from the wind or the pill.

He’d been wandering around for hours since he took the pill. There was no reason to stay in the hotel. No where else to go. Chicago had been so bright and nice that day when they went to Johnny’s house. Now it was cloudy, dark and chilly. People passed him on the street, heads down, hoods up, hurrying to their next indoor destination. Jungwoo’s hands were red and dry. He’d pulled his coat sleeves over them, but it didn’t help much.

He didn’t feel as out of it as he did the first time, but this feeling was pleasant, too. He felt like the world was encased in a cozy fog. He was moving through it, but not seeing clearly. Sometimes he felt the cold so sharply and sometimes he didn’t feel the cold at all. He liked it when he didn’t feel anything.

Jungwoo’s phone rang, loud enough to make him jump. After a moment, Jungwoo realized that someone was trying to get him on a KakaoTalk call. He stumbled to the side of the sidewalk and leaned against the side of a brick building. Jungwoo fumbled to answer the call, not even looking at who it was. It could have been a sasaeng who stole his number. He didn’t care at this point.

“Hi,” Jungwoo said, holding the phone up to his ear. His mouth felt funny.

“Hey, Jungwoo!” It was Johnny.

“Do you wanna come to my house?” Johnny asked. “My mom’s been asking about you. She says we’ve got a lot of leftovers and we need help eating them.”

Jungwoo blinked. Johnny’s voice sounded like it was going in and out. It was hard to focus.

“I’m okay…” he mumbled.

“Really?” Johnny said. Jungwoo heard Johnny talking to someone beside him. He closed his eyes for a moment but then another zip of wind across his face jolted him awake.

“Hey.” Jaehyun’s voice now. Jungwoo forced himself to take a breath. “Where are you?”

Jungwoo sniffed. He couldn’t answer even if he wanted to. He had no idea where he was after walking for so long. His feet were numb.

“Shopping,” Jungwoo said, the first word that came to mind.

“We’ll pick you up,” Jaehyun said.

Even in his altered state of mind, Jungwoo knew that was a bad idea. They’d take one look at him and know something was wrong. He didn’t need that. And he didn’t want to be the third wheel on yet another Johnny and Jaehyun date. He wasn’t high enough.

“I’m busy,” Jungwoo forced out. “Shopping.”

“Oh.” Jaehyun didn’t say anything else. The line was silent for what seemed like a long time.

“Hey, are you okay?” Johnny said, speaking on the phone again. “You sound weird. Where are you shopping? We’ll come pick you up. I mean, it’ll take me like an hour to get downtown, so that’ll give you enough time to finish up. Come hang out with us, Jungwoo.”

Talking on the phone was so tiring. Jungwoo couldn’t even fake it anymore.

“No,” Jungwoo said, abruptly. “Bye.”

He hung up.

Jungwoo didn’t even remember getting back to his hotel room. It was dark by the time he finally came out it, laying on his bed with his coat and his shoes still on. The room was clean and smelled nice. Mark’s bed was untouched. Jungwoo was in one piece. His phone and his wallet were still in his pockets.

He was okay, except for a slight headache.

His face was still cold.

He was still the same Jungwoo.

All alone.

A couple of hours later, Jungwoo had shed his coat and shoes and most of his clothes. He laid on his side, curled up in a ball on his bed. He heard the door beep and creak open. He didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.

“Jungwoo?” Mark said. Jungwoo didn’t say anything.

“Jungwoo, are you asleep?”

Jungwoo listened to Mark creep closer. He felt Mark standing next to his bed. He wished the pill hadn’t worn off by now. He wished he could slip off the bed and go throw up even though he hadn’t eaten anything all day.

Jungwoo rolled over slowly.

Mark stood there, looking awkward and sheepish. He was wearing an oversized hoodie that said Chicago and some sweatpants that Jungwoo had never seen before. It was obvious that Mark was wearing someone else’s clothes. Which meant he hadn’t come back to the room until now.

At least there was no way Mark saw the aftermath of Jungwoo’s binge session. Jungwoo did still care about that.

Mark pushed his hair back and sighed. Jungwoo didn’t say anything.

“Are you mad at me?” Mark finally blurted out.

Jungwoo shook his head. It was true. He wasn’t mad. He wasn’t sad. He was something different than that. Something deeper than sad. Something closer to numb.

Mark wrung his hands together. “Haechan said I led you on.”

Jungwoo cringed inside. His face didn’t move. Of course, Mark told someone. Haechan. Now they were talking about Jungwoo behind his back.

“I’m sorry,” Mark continued. “He got it out of me. We were hanging out all day and he knew something was wrong. He won’t tell anyone. He promised he wouldn’t. I’m sorry, though. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I swear, Jungwoo.”

Jungwoo took in Mark’s distressed face. It was so easy for Mark. If he had a problem, a million people would fall all over themselves to help him. If Jungwoo had a problem, he was going to be on the first plane home.

Mark didn’t have to keep secrets.

“Did you ever like me?” The question was out of Jungwoo’s mouth before he could fully consider it. But the tortured part of him needed to know. He already knew but he had to hear Mark say it.

Then he would know all the pain he’d endured was justified.

Mark squirmed uncomfortably. Jungwoo waited.

“I like you as a friend, Jungwoo,” Mark finally confessed. “A really good friend! My best friend.”

Jungwoo nodded and rolled over, facing away from Mark.

“I’m sorry…” Mark whispered. He sounded close to tears. “Jungwoo… do you hate me?”

Jungwoo breathed out through his nose. He felt nothing. He rubbed his stomach. It was completely empty and more than that, it was growling. He was hungry. But right now, he liked the twisting discomfort of an empty stomach. Maybe he’d go in this direction if he didn’t have so many eyes on him all the time. At least he’d lose weight.

“I don’t hate you,” Jungwoo said, tonelessly.

“Do you still want to be roommates or… do you want to switch?”

Jungwoo sniffed out a laugh. Mark acted so sorry but he actually didn’t want to deal with Jungwoo anymore. Just like everyone else. Mark was looking to escape the first chance he got. Jungwoo closed his eyes tightly.

“Do whatever you want,” he mumbled.

He heard Mark shifting behind him. “Dude, I feel so bad…” Mark mumbled. Maybe he didn’t expect Jungwoo to hear him. Jungwoo listened to Mark walk away, going to the bathroom. Jungwoo knew he should be more forgiving. He knew Mark was trying his best and he didn’t mean to hurt Jungwoo’s feelings. But the mean part of him trapped inside his empty stomach wanted Mark to suffer with him.

Jungwoo’s phone beeped. He heard Mark’s phone chime from the bathroom at the same time. It was a group text asking all of them to meet downstairs in one of the hotel conference rooms in an hour. They had a curfew on nights when they were traveling the next day, so everyone was expected to be back in the hotel by now.

Mark came out of the bathroom, flinging the door open.

“I guess,” he said, his voice a bit shaky. “I guess I’ll stay with Haechan again tonight.”

Mark left, not waiting for an answer.

Jungwoo sat up in bed.

In a way, this was better. The less friends he had, the easier it was to hide everything. He knew Mark was going to be gone for good tonight. That meant he could plan a better binge.

 _You’re not going to do that_ , the reasonable voice in his head said. The one that he vowed to listen to after all his treatment. The voice that was trying so hard to keep him away from the edge. The one he’d been fighting with and avoiding all day.

 _Reach out_ , it told him. _Reach out. Ask for help. Tell them that you’re having a hard time._

Why was he having a hard time? Because he was so weak that he was falling apart because a guy that he barely liked confessed that he never liked him at all.

Why would anyone like him? He was disgusting and weak and fat and useless—

Jungwoo jumped when there was a knock on the door.

Jaehyun’s deep voice. “Jungwoo?”

Jungwoo slipped off the bed and went to open the door. Jaehyun was there and so was Johnny. Why didn’t Jaehyun ever come to see him alone anymore?

“My mom insisted,” Johnny said. He was carrying a bag. Jaehyun smiled beside him. Johnny set the bag on the dining table just inside the room.

“You can share with Mark,” Johnny said, cheerfully.

Jungwoo nodded. At least Haechan had kept his word not to tell.

“How was shopping?” Jaehyun asked.

“Mmmm?” Jungwoo grunted, walking over to the table.

“You said you were shopping…” Johnny said, slowly. “When we called you earlier?”

Jungwoo nodded as he rooted through Johnny’s bag. “Fine,” he answered. He saw Johnny and Jaehyun share their look. He ignored it.

“I’m fine, hyung,” Jungwoo said, brightly. There were several foil containers packed in the bag. Jungwoo smiled. He was sure they thought he was smiling because Johnny brought him so much delicious food.

But he was smiling because Jungwoo really did have them fooled. He was proud of himself for that.

Maybe he could be like the other women in the treatment program after all.

He pushed aside the voice inside his head that begged him to ask for help. He was doing just fine. As long as he could hide it, they’d think he was okay. They thought he was totally cured. Otherwise, Johnny and Jaehyun wouldn’t give him a whole bag full of food. He didn’t want to tell them that they were dead wrong.

He made his choice. He could do this. He wouldn’t be like before.

He’d be better.

Jungwoo headed down to the conference room with Johnny and Jaehyun. Everyone was gathering around a long conference table. Yuta met Jungwoo’s eyes when he came in the room and gave him a curious grin. Jungwoo tried his best to smile back.

“Sit by me,” Doyoung called out to Jungwoo.

Jungwoo headed over and sat next to Doyoung at the table.

“I didn’t see you all day,” Doyoung said, reaching out to rub Jungwoo’s shoulder. “What were you up to?”

“I was asleep, hyung,” Jungwoo said, resting his arms on the table and then putting his chin on top of his arms. Doyoung played with his hair.

Lying came so easy. This was why he’d never lost the skill.

Mark and Haechan came in last. Everyone else was already there. Jungwoo didn’t miss the fact that Mark sat the farthest away from him.

“Hello, team,” their main tour manager said once everyone was settled. “I wanted to gather you all here because we have exciting news.”

Jungwoo looked up and bit his thumbnail. He was anxious to get back to the room. All that food was waiting for him. He didn’t want to fight it anymore. He wanted to give in.

“We just finalized plans with MyMusicChoice,” their manager said. “After we finish the tour here, we will be headed to four stops in Mexico and South America and then six stops in Europe.”

Their tour manager smiled at them, but the room went silent. Jungwoo glanced back at Doyoung. His hyung shrugged.

Johnny raised his hand, even though no one was talking. “We’re not going back home after finish the tour in America?”

Their tour manager shook his head. “No. We will continue the tour. Hopefully, in Europe, we can get a couple of Canadian dates. The borders are opening more each and every day. We need to strike while the iron is hot. Everyone missed touring, yes?”

Jungwoo didn’t know what to think. He thought they were going to be away from Korea for only three weeks. Now it looked like they possibly wouldn’t be home before Christmas.

If they even went back for Christmas.

Everyone burst out into noise, a bunch of overlapping conversations happening at once. There was a small part of Jungwoo that thought after these three weeks, he could get back on Dr. Lim’s schedule. He’d confess what had been happening and they’d work on fixing everything.

Now he knew that wasn’t happening.

Jungwoo thought this had to be a sign.

He wasn’t meant to really get better. He wasn’t meant to lead the life they wanted him to lead. The company sent him away to get better, but they’d been wrong. He tried to be normal. He tried so hard.

It didn’t work.

Jungwoo needed this. More than they could ever know. If they understood, they wouldn’t try to stop him. He tried to do well at the treatment center. He tried to listen to Dr. Lim. It didn’t work. He was weak and when it came down to it, no one wanted to really help him. But when Jungwoo leaned into this disease, he was strong. He could get through the tough moments. He could keep secrets. He could deal with life. He’d tried to do it without throwing up. But he just ended up worse than before.

There was no reason to give it all up. Either way, no one was ever going to want him.

He wanted so bad to give in again.

But this time, he was going to be better at it.

“Oh man,” Doyoung said, beside him. “How are you feeling, Jungwoo? I guess we’re staying on the road.”

Jungwoo smiled brightly at him. If this was going to work, he really needed to turn up the charm. He didn’t need his hyungs to have a reason to feel suspicious of him.

“I feel good, hyung!” Jungwoo said. “I love performing. I’m glad we’re not going home.”

The lies poured out of him. It was almost too easy.

Doyoung sighed a little. “Yeah… I just wish we got more warning. I didn’t realize how long we were going to be away.”

Jungwoo rubbed Doyoung’s arm. “Don’t worry, hyung,” he said. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Jungwoo grinned because it really was.

After all, a whole bag of food and an empty hotel room was waiting for him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tour Stop #5: Dallas  
> Tour Stop #6: Houston  
> Tour Stop #7: LA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> \- Vomiting

It was easy to get away with not eating on a travel day.

Everyone was in their own world. Jungwoo was sure that Mark waited until he was downstairs with his luggage, waiting to leave, before going back to the hotel room. That was a good thing. No chance he would discover anything from Jungwoo’s binge last night. Not that he would even if he did come back before Jungwoo left. Jungwoo was going to be very good at cleaning up from now on. He took the bag of foil containers out to the hotel dumpster and got rid of them there. Along with all the food.

Sometimes purging outside was just easier.

Even when it was cold, and his face burned from the artic wind whipping across his nose just as much as it burned from all the stomach acid coming up his throat.

It reminded him of the first times. Before he knew how bad it could get.

Maybe that thought should have made him want to stop.

It didn’t.

The mood on the van going to the airport was weird. Usually, his members were excited about their next destination. Maybe it was because they were leaving Johnny’s hometown. Maybe it was because they just learned they had ten extra tour dates on top of the 4 they still had in America. But on this van trip, everyone was quiet. Jungwoo didn’t know why. He didn’t care.

He didn’t care about anything.

It was easier this way.

It was also easier because no one was paying attention to him. Johnny and Jaehyun were talking about something quietly up front. Taeyong’s eyes were closed. Jungwoo hadn’t even seen their leader outside of the concert and the emergency team meeting last night. Everyone else was in the other van. The skyscrapers of Chicago became smaller and smaller in the distance.

Jungwoo couldn’t say that he’d miss this place.

The fans met them at the airport, screaming as usual. Jungwoo was able to tune them out, even the frantic clicking of the camera shutters. Even when that same sasaeng tried to catch his eye. He found it easy to turn away. It was the gnawing emptiness in his stomach. It was the knowledge of what was waiting for him when they finally got to their hotel rooms in Dallas.

It made him stronger.

Mark’s bags were brought into their hotel room but Jungwoo didn’t see any sign of Mark. They hadn’t talked at all since Mark came to their hotel room in Chicago and apologized, then left. Mark was probably never coming back to their room. Jungwoo didn’t blame him. It was best for him to stay away.

Jungwoo laid on his hotel room bed and scrolled through UberEats. The delivery apps in America weren’t as good as the ones in Korea but they would do the job. Ordering delivery was easier than room service. Then Jungwoo wouldn’t have to worry about hiding it from the room bill. He could order from different places. It would be easy to get so much food.

Planning a binge could be exciting. There were so many choices. Jungwoo’s stomach cramped impatiently. He picked a random restaurant in the delivery area and started adding items to the cart, not paying much attention to what food he was ordering. It would all get eaten anyway.

Jungwoo jumped when someone knocked on the door.

He laid still on the bed and tried to pretend that he didn’t exist, but they knocked again.

Then his phone buzzed, and a notification popped up at the top of the open UberEats app.

**Yuta:** Jungwoo I’m outside

Yuta knocked again. Jungwoo sighed and locked his phone before slipping off the bed. He opened the door, reluctantly.

Yuta flashed him a grin. “Hey, babe.”

Jungwoo did his best to smile back.

“What are you up to?” Yuta asked.

Jungwoo rubbed over his eyes. This was his go-to excuse. “Sleeping.”

He tried to be cute about it as Yuta stared him down.

“It’s like 7pm,” Yuta said. “Sleeping too much isn’t good for you. You wanna get something to eat?”

Jungwoo shook his head. “I’m not hungry,” he lied.

Suddenly, his stomach growled, betraying him.

Yuta laughed and raised his eyebrows. “You’re not? Jungwoo, I haven’t seen you eat all day.”

Jungwoo shifted uncomfortably. So, they were still watching him after all.

“We’ve been busy,” Jungwoo said.

“Come on.” Yuta stepped in the room and grabbed Jungwoo’s sleeve. “Put on your shoes and come with me. There’s a barbecue place I want to go to. It’s only a couple blocks away.”

Jungwoo nodded. There was no getting out of this. He slipped on his sneakers and grabbed his coat. He put his phone in his pocket.

He’d have to return to his binge later. Right now, he needed to be normal.

Yuta took his hand and smiled at him. Jungwoo did his best to smile back. His face hurt.

“We haven’t hung out just the two of us in forever!” Yuta declared. Jungwoo couldn’t even remember the last time. It was back in the days when Jungwoo used to follow people around from room to room and run between the two 127 dorms all day. Back then, he was allergic to being alone.

That was a long time ago.

“Yeah, hyung,” Jungwoo said, nodding. They headed outside. They were staying in a fancy hotel in downtown Dallas and the sidewalk was surprisingly busy with people rushing by. That made Jungwoo feel a little anxious. But Yuta didn’t let go of Jungwoo’s hand, so it wasn’t too bad. Jungwoo smiled a little, for real.

“It’s kind of hot out here,” Yuta said, swinging their hands. “Chicago was freezing.”

“I don’t mind the cold,” Jungwoo said.

He nodded, remembering the day he spent wandering around outside, half out of his mind. It was cold but at least he didn’t feel anything.

Yuta squeezed Jungwoo’s hand and looked at him fondly. It was a kind look but Jungwoo wondered what other people would think. Were the sasaengs watching? Would the random people on the street see them holding hands and think they were dating? Probably not. Yuta was so good looking and Jungwoo didn’t match. Nobody would think Yuta was interested in him.

The barbecue place Yuta wanted to go to was noisy and crowded, but fun. There were all these funky decorations on the walls like cowboy hats and horseshoes and shotguns. They sat at a booth with a glass tabletop where the menu was trapped underneath.

Their waiter was this big, bearded guy wearing a huge straw hat who shouted every word because it was so loud in there. The whole situation made Jungwoo laugh, unexpectedly. He didn’t think he was capable of true laughter anymore, but then it was bubbling out of him and his heart lifted in a way he hadn’t felt in days. Yuta laughed with him at the ridiculous restaurant.

“This place is fun, right?” Yuta said, studying the menu. “Let’s get a Big Ass Cowboy-Rita. I wonder how big.”

Jungwoo’s eyes widened when they came. The “Cowboy-Ritas” were these massive goldfish bowl sized margaritas served in the biggest margarita glass Jungwoo had ever seen. He and Yuta laughed as they took a bunch of pictures.

“God, this is going to give me a stomachache!” Yuta groaned. His margarita was bright green and Jungwoo’s was an unnaturally bright blue. He took a slurp through his straw. It was good, at least. Very sweet. He wasn’t sure if there was any alcohol in it because it was so sweet.

“Do you think we’re going to get really drunk?” Yuta asked, raising an eyebrow. Jungwoo shook his head.

“It’s just juice, hyung,” Jungwoo said. “But it’s funny. How can it be so big?”

“I worry about America, Jungwoo. What are they doing here?” Yuta said, taking a slurp before they both laughed. Now Jungwoo’s face didn’t hurt because he was forcing himself to smile. He was genuinely having fun.

Jungwoo ordered a barbecue meat combo and Yuta ordered ribs. The waiter tipped his hat at them before heading off to put their order in. Jungwoo giggled some more, slurping his disgustingly-sweet-but-somehow-irresistible drink. Yuta rested his chin on top of his hand and smiled at Jungwoo.

“So,” Yuta said. “You never told me how it went.”

Jungwoo kept smiling. In the moment, he honestly had no idea what Yuta was talking about.

“What, hyung?” Jungwoo said.

“You know…” Yuta looked at him and blinked a few times “Your… first time?”

The smile slipped off Jungwoo’s face. He sucked on his straw and gulped hard enough to get brain freeze. Jungwoo leaned back and winced.

“You okay?” Yuta asked, reaching over to touch Jungwoo’s hand. Jungwoo moved it away and pressed it against the side of his head.

“What happened?” Yuta said, sounding more serious now. Jungwoo didn’t say anything. He rubbed at his temple and looked away.

“It was Mark, wasn’t it?”

Jungwoo flinched and looked back at Yuta with wide eyes. Fuck. Of course, Haechan wouldn’t keep his mouth shut. “Who told you?” he asked, coldly.

Yuta held up his hands. “Whoa,” he said. “No one told me. I could just tell. There’s not really many choices. Mark’s your roommate and you two have seemed a little off lately. Plus, you said you both hadn’t done it before…” Yuta trailed off with a shrug and gave Jungwoo a kind smile. “I wanted to check in.”

Jungwoo scoffed and looked off to the side. All the fun he’d just been having slipped away. The stupid huge drink was making him feel sick.

“What’s wrong?” Yuta asked, gently. “It didn’t go well?”

Jungwoo sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.

“You wouldn’t have told me if you didn’t want to talk about it,” Yuta said. “I’m here for you. Maybe I can help?”

Jungwoo knew Yuta couldn’t help. No one could help him. He shook his head, slowly.

“Tell me, Woo,” Yuta said. “I worry about you. You keep a lot of things to yourself.”

Jungwoo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He had to remind himself that if he was going to keep himself from being shipped home and kicked out the group, he had to convince them all that he was completely normal.

That meant he had to talk sometimes.

“We didn’t do it,” Jungwoo said, quietly.

Yuta nodded. He didn’t look surprised. Of course, he wasn’t. Why would someone want to sleep with Jungwoo anyway? Jungwoo looked down at the table, staring at the menu under the glass until it became blurry. He tried not to breathe too much.

“Why not?” Yuta asked. “Are you okay? Is Mark okay? Did something happen?”

Jungwoo grit his teeth, trying not to feel the pain of Mark’s words again. He forced the words out, his voice sounding hollow.

“He said…” Jungwoo kept his face blank. “He wanted to wait until he was in love.”

Yuta sucked in his breath and looked at Jungwoo like he felt so sorry for him. Jungwoo’s heart started beating harder in his chest. Jungwoo willed himself not to move. If he started crying and Yuta was looking at him like that, he might never stop.

“That must have hurt,” Yuta said, softly. “I’m sorry. No wonder things are weird between you two.”

Jungwoo didn’t say anything. He was concentrating on being outside his body. But it wasn’t easy without the food or the throwing up or even taking a pill.

“How do you feel?” Yuta asked. “Are you in love with Mark?”

Jungwoo managed to shake his head after a moment.

“Then maybe it’s for the best?” Yuta hedged. “Maybe you should wait for love, too? I don’t think it’s a bad idea.”

Jungwoo snorted, an ugly sound coming out of his mouth. He bit down on his straw.

“Did you wait until you were in love, hyung?” he asked, his voice sounding sharper than he thought it would.

“No…” Yuta said, slowly. “You’re right. It’s not a requirement.”

Jungwoo closed his eyes for a moment. If he waited for love, he’d be waiting forever. Nobody was going to love him.

“It still sucks, though,” Yuta said, breaking their brief silence. “I know it does. I know you wanted to. Rejection when you put yourself out there like that, especially to do something so vulnerable, is the worst thing.”

Jungwoo didn’t think he could handle this conversation. He stared at his unnaturally blue drink and willed himself to keep breathing normally.

“I bet Mark is feeling bad, too,” Yuta said. “Sometimes… it’s not good to mix friends and sex. I’ve learned that the hard way, too.”

Jungwoo quickly swiped at a stray tear that escaped the corner of his eye. He prayed that Yuta didn’t notice but of course he did. Yuta got up and came over to Jungwoo’s side of the booth, sitting close to him. He wrapped his arms around Jungwoo and pulled him into a hug. Jungwoo wanted to struggle to pull away but he decided to just give in. Yuta smelled so good and his hold was comforting and tight.

“This is cheesy, but I really do believe things happen for a reason,” Yuta said. “It wasn’t the right time. You’ll find someone, Jungwoo. Someone who truly loves you and you deserve that. I think that’s worth waiting for.”

Jungwoo bit his lip hard, still trying not to cry. When was he going to find that person? He’d met so many people and no one had loved him yet. It felt impossible. Jungwoo was sure there was something broken about him. It was proven over and over again, rejection after rejection.

He was unlovable.

“Are you okay, Jungwoo?” Yuta whispered, kissing the top of Jungwoo’s head. “I wanted to take you out tonight to check on you. I’m so happy you trusted me when you told me about what you were planning to do. I wish you’d trust me with everything. I want to listen.”

Jungwoo wiped his eyes again. He didn’t know what to say. There was so much he wanted to trust Yuta with but on the other hand, he just couldn’t.

He couldn’t risk it.

The waiter came with their food. He didn’t even blink at their change of position. He just put the plates down, side by side. Jungwoo sat up and reached for his fork. He wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom after but even the act of eating made him feel better.

He was grateful that Yuta didn’t keep talking after they got their food. Jungwoo had pulled pork and brisket and chicken wings. He didn’t really know what it all was, but it tasted good. He devoured everything with his fries and corn on the cob and cornbread. It certainly gave him something else to focus on other than all these feelings that Yuta was trying to squeeze out of him.

Yuta put a couple of ribs on Jungwoo’s plate. He ate them and tried not to glance at the big neon sign in the distance that said RESTROOMS.

“How’s the food?” Yuta asked.

Jungwoo nodded. “Really good, hyung,” he said. He wasn’t sure if it was really good, but his plate was completely empty. He’d barely tasted it. The waiter came and took their plates away. Yuta ordered four tequila shots and dumped two into each of their awful Cowboy-Rita drinks which were all melted now.

“Let’s chug,” Yuta said. He started doing that, holding the huge drink to his lips. Jungwoo laughed a little before he did the same. The drink went down easier with the added alcohol and afterward, Jungwoo felt a little better. He felt calmer.

He still really wanted to go to the bathroom.

Yuta insisted that Jungwoo come back to his room. Doyoung was out. Jungwoo didn’t have any excuse not to go other than the fact that he really wanted to throw up. He followed Yuta to his room, and they laid down on Yuta’s bed together. Jungwoo rested his head on Yuta’s chest and closed his eyes.

They laid in silence for a long time. It wasn’t a bad silence. They were relaxed after all the food and the alcohol. Jungwoo listened to Yuta breathe. He could feel the tequila shots slightly. It was enough to make the edges of the room hazy and Yuta’s chest extra comfortable.

“You know…” Yuta said, thoughtfully, breaking the comfortable silence between them. “When we were talking earlier? I told how I wish you’d talk to me more? I was thinking about how you never really talk about your time in treatment.” Yuta paused for a moment. “Or your bulimia.”

Jungwoo almost laughed. The way Yuta said it made it sound like bulimia was his friend. Some of the women in the treatment center talked about the disease like that. Like it was a person. If bulimia really was his friend, then it would be the best friend he’d ever had in his life and his very worst enemy.

It was a complicated relationship.

Jungwoo didn’t want to be with bulimia anymore. Jungwoo couldn’t get enough. It was a rollercoaster ride where they both said they’d break up with other, but they never did. Jungwoo thought he’d figured out how to leave bulimia. He didn’t.

Jungwoo couldn’t tell Yuta that.

“What’s to talk about?” he asked, looking at his hyung out of the corner of his eye. “I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Yuta asked him seriously. Their faces were so close, lying together on the bed. Jungwoo didn’t move.

“Yes, hyung,” Jungwoo said, keeping his voice light. “You just ate dinner with me. I didn’t puke, did I?”

Yuta laughed a little, but it wasn’t with the humor that Jungwoo was looking for. “Jungwoo, I didn’t see you when you were doing it and we ate together lots of times. I’m not sure what to look for.”

Jungwoo pushed himself up and moved to sit on top of Yuta, straddling his legs. He looked down in Yuta’s eyes. He decided to bring out the big guns. It didn’t make him nervous. He was playing the part.

“I haven’t in such a long time,” Jungwoo lied, smiling cutely. “I don’t even think about it anymore. I went to treatment… remember?”

Yuta patted the sides of Jungwoo’s hips, listening to him. “It just… I don’t know, Jungwoo. You don’t talk about it. I don’t know how much you struggle with it. I would think it’s hard. You’re around food every day. How hard is it for you?”

“It’s not hard,” Jungwoo insisted, shaking his head. “I don’t think about it. I promise.”

It was a bold lie, especially considering that Jungwoo would have thrown up an hour ago if there was any way that he could.

Yuta nodded, although he didn’t look convinced.

“I wanna be here for you, Jungwoo,” Yuta said, softly. “I don’t know how. I want to understand.”

Jungwoo had a crazy thought. _I could show you how, hyung._ What would Yuta think if Jungwoo showed him how easy it was and how good it could feel? Would he like it, too? Then Jungwoo wouldn’t be so alone.

Jungwoo bit down hard on his bottom lip. What a terrible idea. He wouldn’t wish this disease on Yuta or anyone else. He was such an awful person. Suddenly, he felt like he could burst into tears. He didn’t like lying. He didn’t like himself when he was like this. But he also felt like he didn’t know how to be any other way.

What if he just told Yuta the truth? What would happen then?

They would send him away.

“It’s better if we don’t talk about it, hyung,” Jungwoo said, smiling the best that he could. “My therapist said it could be triggering.” The word almost got stuck around the lump in his throat, but he pushed it out. He quoted the therapist he hadn’t spoken to in over a month. The therapist who had said no such thing.

“Okay,” Yuta said. “If that’s what you need. But I want you to know that I’m here, Jungwoo. We all are.”

“I know!” Jungwoo said, brightly. “Thank you, hyung.”

“We hated it when you weren’t talking to any of us,” Yuta said. “Let’s never go through that again.”

Jungwoo nodded and laid back down, this time on top of Yuta. He wished life really were that simple.

He wished he could trust them.

He wished he could trust himself.

They laid together until the door opened. Doyoung strolled in the room, coming over to the bed.

“Oh, look,” Doyoung said. “Jungwoo-ah is here.”

Jungwoo smiled, a real smile, even though he was feeling crappy at the same time. Doyoung gave him a tight hug.

“You’ve had your turn with Yuta-hyung,” Doyoung said. “Come lay with me now.”

Jungwoo transferred himself to Doyoung’s bed. Doyoung held him and they all talked and hung out until they were falling asleep. Yuta and Doyoung insisted that he stay the night but Jungwoo was able to slip away. He went back to his empty room. Mark’s bags were still in the same place where they were when he left.

Jungwoo laid on his bed and looked at the delivery app again. Everything was still in the cart, just as he left it. He stared at what he was going to order. The cart was already at 75 bucks.

He didn’t feel like it anymore.

He removed everything from his cart and tossed his phone aside. He decided he was just going to go to sleep.

No binging or throwing up today.

He was okay. For now.

Maybe he wasn’t hopeless after all.

*

Jungwoo woke up to loud knocking. Then Haechan’s voice.

“Open up,” Haechan yelled. Jungwoo shuffled out of bed and opened the door. Mark stood next to Haechan, looking sheepish. Haechan pushed him in the room.

“He doesn’t even know where his key is!” Haechan said, sounding exasperated.

Jungwoo rubbed his eyes. He was still in his underwear.

Mark wouldn’t look at him.

“I didn’t sign up to share my bed every night,” Haechan said. “Unlike you two, I don’t like it. You need to make up!”

Jungwoo stood there and looked at Mark again. Mark sighed and wrapped his arms across his chest. He was still wearing what he’d worn on the plane yesterday.

“It’s okay, Mark,” Jungwoo said, softly. “I’m not mad at you.”

As soon as he said it, he knew it was true. All the hurt and angry feelings had drained out of him. Maybe it was his talk with Yuta or maybe it was something else, but he did feel okay.

And he missed Mark. A lot.

Mark shifted uncomfortably. “I just…” Mark heaved a sigh that broke Jungwoo’s heart a little. “I feel so bad. I didn’t mean to—I wish we hadn’t—”

“Don’t say that,” Jungwoo interrupted. “We had fun, Mark. That’s all. We’re still friends.” He smiled at Mark, nodding a few times.

“We did have fun,” Mark admitted after a moment.

Haechan made a loud gagging sound. “I’m leaving!” he declared, turning around and leaving their hotel room in a huff.

Jungwoo looked at Mark and made a face. They both started laughing.

Jungwoo stepped over to Mark and pulled him into a hug. Mark hugged him back, tightly.

“I missed you,” Mark said, his face pressed against Jungwoo’s shoulder.

“I missed you, too,” Jungwoo said. “Let’s lay down.”

Jungwoo pulled Mark to his bed and they got under the covers. Today was a free day. Jungwoo wanted to be lazy and he knew Mark never had a problem with that. They laid together like they always had. It didn’t feel weird. Jungwoo smiled at Mark who looked slightly uncomfortable in his jeans from yesterday.

“You should take your clothes off,” Jungwoo said. “Let’s nap. I wasn’t done sleeping.”

Mark nodded and got up just long enough to strip to his t-shirt and boxers. Then he got back in bed with a sigh.

“Haechan started kicking me,” Mark said, staring at the ceiling.

Jungwoo giggled. He moved over so they were sharing the same pillow and their faces were close. He took Mark’s hand and gave it a squeeze. Mark squeezed his hand back.

He had Mark back now and he felt okay. He felt more than okay. He felt good. It was nice to have Mark beside him again. He really did think they could go back to being normal best friends.

But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he wanted Mark to go back to Haechan’s room. He wanted to be alone.

Why didn’t the urges go away? He felt better now.

Jungwoo rubbed his hand across his throat. He could feel the food from last night seeping into his body, settling over the fat that was already building along the bottom of his stomach and his flabby arms.

He still wanted to throw up. He couldn’t deny that.

It was a feeling that never ever went away. Maybe for one night, like last night, but not for good. He thought the feeling could go away for good. For a while, he thought it had. But now he knew it hadn’t.

It never would.

Mark rolled over, facing away from Jungwoo with a small, contented sigh, half asleep. Jungwoo wrinkled his nose as he got a whiff of something rank. It took a minute for him to place it and then he burst out laughing.

“Mark!” he said. “I know why Haechan kicked you out of his bed.”

“Unnnnnh?” Mark groaned.

“You smell!” Jungwoo poked Mark in the side with a giggle. “When was the last time you showered?”

Mark rolled over, looking cute even if he was smelly. Again.

“Uh…” he said, making a face. “Before… the Chicago concert?”

Jungwoo’s eyebrows shot up as he laughed in disbelief. “Mark, that was, like, 3 days ago! And we had a whole concert! We went on a plane!”

“I knowwwww,” Mark groaned, rubbing his hand over his face. “But… I felt shy showering in Taeil and Haechan’s room and I left all my shower stuff in here.”

Jungwoo laughed some more, covering his mouth with both hands.

“Don’t laugh at me!” Mark pleaded in English. That caused Jungwoo to laugh even harder.

“I don’t think anyone wants to be near you right now!” Jungwoo said, playfully pushing Mark. “I’m gonna text Haechan and tell him you’re kicked out of my room, too.”

“Okay, okay!” Mark laughed, getting out of the bed. “I’m gonna shower. Right now! Hey, all my stuff is here. I can’t use hotel soap, it makes me itchy. I have sensitive skin!”

Jungwoo shook his head, smiling as Mark went to grab his stuff and headed to the bathroom.

“I’ll order food!” Jungwoo called. He ordered brunch for both of them.

He ordered a little too much.

Mark didn’t seem to notice when they ate together, sitting at the table in their underwear. Jungwoo talked as much as he could while he stuffed his face, just to make things seem normal.

“My turn to take a shower now,” Jungwoo said, standing up after their meal.

“Let’s just chill in the room all day,” Mark said. “Hey wait. Wanna go swimming later? They have an indoor pool.”

“Yeah, sure.” Jungwoo started feeling a little anxious. “I’m gonna listen to music.”

Mark got up and flopped back on Jungwoo’s bed, wiggling his way under the covers. He didn’t seem to care what Jungwoo said. He closed his eyes.

Jungwoo escaped into the bathroom.

They had a Bluetooth speaker in there. He tapped the first playlist he found on his phone and turned it up. He set his phone down and took his clothes off.

He looked at himself in the mirror.

Think, he told himself. Try to focus.

He pressed a hand against his swollen stomach. Too much food, too much fat. His heart was pounding in his chest.

He heard Yuta’s voice in his ear. _Jungwoo, I didn’t see you when you were doing it and we ate together lots of times. I’m not sure what to look for._

Going to the bathroom right after his meal. Playing music, running the shower, running the sink. Staying in the bathroom for an extended amount of time. Those were the signs.

Did no one ever tell them? They really didn’t know?

Jungwoo turned on the shower.

What would he say if Mark walked in?

_I’m sorry. I really couldn’t help it. This is something that’s out of my control._

He didn’t want to. He wanted to. He hated it. He loved it.

Jungwoo knelt in front of the toilet.

It was the point of no return when he was staring down into the clear water. His mouth started watering like a pavlovian response.

He couldn’t remember life without this. He couldn’t remember how he stopped before. Everything he learned at treatment was murky in his head. It felt like it never happened or maybe it happened in a different life when Jungwoo wasn’t the weak person he was now. When he actually was loveable. But if he could hold on, if he was better about keeping this secret, it would be okay.

He wouldn’t get caught like last time.

Jungwoo glanced at the bathroom door to make sure it was locked.

The steam from the shower began filling the bathroom, making it harder to breathe.

He couldn’t stay in the bathroom too long.

Jungwoo leaned up on his knees, bent over the toilet and closed his eyes.

*

The Dallas concert went well.

The Houston concert was a bit weird because their in-ear mics went out for half the show and everyone was off.

In LA they did a press tour that Capitol Records put together that ended with a showcase at a mall. It became so crowded that they had to call the police to block off the mall entrances and get them out of there.

They started to have schedules every day, instead of the free days they used to have between concerts. Not only were they doing concert press and American media interviews, but they were also doing promos and interviews for their upcoming South American and European concerts. Some of the members also had solo schedules in Korea that they had to do remotely in the middle of the night. They filmed a music video on the beach in LA, where they danced on the sand and played in the ocean while they pretended they weren’t freezing.

Jungwoo bought a travel scale that fit in a neat pouch and started carrying a backpack everywhere instead of his usual waist bag. He weighed himself whenever he could, especially if he could weigh himself before and after he threw up. It was the best way to tell if it was working. He wrote down the numbers in a notebook that he kept in the backpack, too.

He didn’t worry about his weight so much before treatment because he was able to throw up after meal. Now, that wasn’t possible. Sometimes he was in situations with the others when he couldn’t get away. In that case, he did his best not to eat anything. But if Jaehyun or Johnny or Doyoung or Yuta gave him a look, he had to start stuffing his face.

It was disgusting how much he liked to eat.

He felt grossed out when he thought back to the time where he was eating three meals a day and two snacks without purging. He’d been so weak. How could he do that to himself? How did he let them convince him that it was a good idea? He had no discipline. The company should have said something to him when he gained those 5 kilograms. He was a slob. He didn’t care what the treatment center said. It was all bullshit. He never got better. He just got sloppy.

And fat.

Jungwoo couldn’t afford to get fat because he had to be in the same stage outfits night after night. He remembered the humiliation he felt during the Beyond Live concert when his pants wouldn’t zip. He was smarter than that now. It wasn’t going to happen again.

The LA concert was their biggest yet. Not only were they performing in front of their biggest crowd at the Forum, it was also being simulcast on HBO Max.

Backstage was even crazier than usual with cameras from SM, cameras from Capital Records and cameras from HBO. They were doing all sorts of interviews and photo shoots along with the usual fan engagement before the show. Jungwoo stood in front of a wall and did interviews until his throat hurt.

The good part was that it was easy for Jungwoo to slip away when was done to the far end of the backstage area and the empty bathrooms there. He finished cramming ten mini muffins in his mouth to top off the meal he ate with the others, before he turned to the toilet and stuck his fingers down his throat to taste it all again.

When he was done, Jungwoo sat on the floor of the bathroom stall and leaned his head back against the closed door. This was the part he liked the most. He loved almost everything about throwing up, but he tried to savor the last part. He wanted the calm to wash over him forever. It was a feeling like he was anchored to the earth. Like he belonged here. Like life could actually feel good.

How did he ever give this up? Jungwoo didn’t understand that now.

Jungwoo froze when he heard someone open the door. He lunged forward and flushed the toilet quickly. He had to force himself to stand up, even though his legs were shaking.

Jungwoo peeked through the crack between the door and the side of the stall.

Taeyong stood at the sink, holding onto it, hunched over and staring into the mirror.

He didn’t seem to notice that Jungwoo was in there, despite the toilet flushing. Jungwoo held his breath.

He watched Taeyong stare at himself in the mirror. His face was red. He didn’t seem to be able to straighten up all the way. Taeyong pressed a shaking hand to his mouth. Then he bent over and gulped down a bunch of water. Jungwoo realized that Taeyong was taking a pill.

Taeyong’s pills. Jungwoo had two halves left. He took them when he couldn’t wind down and he couldn’t throw up. He’d been trying to figure out how he could get more.

His leader didn’t look well. He was way too pale.

Jungwoo wanted to say something but he couldn’t. No one could know he was in here.

Taeyong wiped his eyes and sighed quietly. Then there was a knock on the door.

“Taeyong?” a deep voice said from the other side. It was one of their managers. Taeyong sucked in a sharp breath.

“Just a second!” Taeyong called. His voice didn’t sound as shaky as Jungwoo thought it would. Taeyong took another breath and stood there for a couple moments before he left.

The door swung shut behind him.

Jungwoo let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. After a moment, he unlocked the stall door and stepped out slowly.

He went over and stood at the same sink where Taeyong stood and washed his hands. Then he rinsed out his mouth.

His jaw hurt.

Jungwoo smiled into the mirror. This was his game face. It was the best way to fool the world.

Did Taeyong have them fooled too?

Jungwoo wasn’t the only one who was keeping secrets.

*

After the concert, they got to stick around and use the special viewing room at the Forum to watch the concert as it was broadcast on HBO Max. Everyone gathered around on the couches and chairs and the floor in front of a TV that was big enough to take up a whole wall. There was plenty of food. Plenty of time for Jungwoo to slip away in the middle of the show so he was feeling pretty relaxed.

“I can’t believe we’re on HBO!” Johnny said. “I used to beg my parents to get HBO. Now I’m on it!”

“Why didn’t you guys have HBO?” Mark asked. “You weren’t poor.”

Johnny threw a paper cup at him.

Jungwoo tried to decide how long he could wait before he left to go to the bathroom. Thirty minutes? He’d be back before the end of the show. That would also give him time to eat enough without being suspicious.

Perfect.

“Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said, softly. “Come sit with me.” He patted the space beside him on the couch.

Jungwoo glanced over at Johnny. He was still arguing with Mark near the catering table. Everyone else was settling into their seats.

Jungwoo went over and sat by Jaehyun. He smiled as Jaehyun wrapped his arm around him and pulled him in so Jungwoo could lean against Jaehyun’s chest. Jungwoo didn’t remember the last time they sat together like this. Jaehyun wrapped both his arms around Jungwoo’s waist, holding him there.

Trapping him there.

But Jungwoo didn’t mind. He let his head fall back against Jaehyun and smiled up at him.

“You did so well tonight,” Jaehyun said, loosening his grip to run his fingers through Jungwoo’s hair.

Yuta sat next to Jungwoo on the couch and patted Jungwoo’s leg. The others settled in. Doyoung and Taeil sat on the other couch. Haechan settled in one of the armchairs. Johnny and Mark flopped on the floor, still bickering about whatever.

Taeyong wasn’t there.

Everyone whooped when the opening VCR started. Jungwoo didn’t think they’d actually watched the concert before. They looked so professional on this supersized TV. Everyone squealed each time one of their faces showed up on the screen for their intros.

“Why does my head look so huge?” Yuta cried.

“Dude, are my eyes lopsided?” Mark asked.

Everyone was laughing the whole time while Johnny gave a running commentary.

The more Jungwoo watched, the more horrified he felt.

He looked so fat.

It was clear on the big screen. Jungwoo’s face looked huge, especially compared with all his small faced members. They looked slim and long and fit on screen. Jungwoo’s thighs looked so thick. His waist was so wide. Every move looked sloppy. He stuck out from the rest of the group. He looked like he didn’t belong.

“Jungwoo, your face is so cute!” Doyoung cooed, from the other couch as the camera focused in on Jungwoo as he performed a high note.

Jungwoo swallowed hard. He wasn’t cute. His face looked so bloated and disgusting. He could count his chins. His rare chance to shine during a song sounded off.

Why wasn’t he better at this?

Jungwoo pulled away from Jaehyun with the best smile he could manage. He couldn’t take this.

“I have to call my mom,” he whispered to his hyung. “I promised her.”

“Tell her I say hi,” Jaehyun said, letting Jungwoo go. He pushed himself up to his feet, his heart racing. Nobody else looked up as he left the room.

His hands were shaking. Jungwoo thought he could eat casually while they were watching the concert, but now Jungwoo needed something more immediate. Jungwoo hurried back to the green room where they had their meal earlier. Sure enough, the leftovers were still there, hours old.

It would be so much easier if Jungwoo could just stop eating. But he wasn’t wired like that.

Most of the lights in the room were off but he didn’t care. He didn’t need to see.

It was better this way.

He had about 20 minutes before Jaehyun or someone else would start to get suspicious. Jungwoo went over to the catering table and stated with the rice. He grabbed it by the handful, stuffing it into his mouth. He alternated it with the bulgogi, getting sauce all over his face. He licked over his lips even though he didn’t taste it.

He didn’t want to do this.

But there was no other way to push down these feelings. No other way to make it stop.

This was the reason why he was fat. But it was also the only way to fix it.

Jungwoo choked on his food when someone turned on the lights.

He turned around, coughing and pressing a hand to his mouth.

One of the cleaning staff stared at him with a mop in her hands.

Jungwoo ran past her, into the hallway. He hurried past the viewing room where he could hear everyone laughing and talking as he burst into the nearby bathroom.

_That’s what you’re missing out on_ , the nasty voice in his head said. _Everyone else is having fun together while you’re alone in the bathroom, making yourself puke._

“Shut up!” Jungwoo yelled out loud. He hurried into a stall, locked the door, bent over the toilet, and slipped his fingers down his throat. It was hard. He’d already vomited just hours ago, he hadn’t eaten that much and he hadn’t drank any water. He was still dehydrated from the concert. It wasn’t the ideal condition for making himself throw up.

Still, he forced himself in loud, painful gags. Thank God everyone else was occupied with the noisy concert. Otherwise, they might have heard him from the hallway.

It wasn’t satisfying. He could hardly get anything up. He stabbed the roof of his mouth with his fingernail. Blood dripped from his mouth into the toilet bowl. Jungwoo slammed his fist against the side of the stall when it was clear that he wasn’t going to be successful this time. He couldn’t get rid of it.

The calories were just clinging to him. He could feel it.

Jungwoo sat down hard on the toilet and put his face in his hands. Everything hurt. His mouth, his throat, his jaw, his stomach, his finger, his pride.

His breathing was coming faster and faster.

He didn’t feel the calm.

Jungwoo jumped when the bathroom door banged open. He pulled his feet on top of the seat, moving to sit on top of the toilet so no one would know he was in there.

“Mmm… is anyone in here?” Jaehyun’s voice.

“I don’t think so. Everyone’s in the room.” Johnny. “Wait, where’s Jungwoo?”

“He said he was calling his mom.”

“That’s nice of him.”

“Do you think he’s all right lately?”

“Yeah. Look at him. He looks healthy.”

Jaehyun laughed a little. “Johnny… it’s not about that.”

“It partly is. He wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t better, right? He’s just a little weird.”

“Jungwoo’s always a little weird,” Jaehyun said, with another laugh.

Jungwoo’s heart clenched. He bit down on his hand and forced himself to stay quiet.

“Yeah….”

“Anyone could come in here.”

“We’ll be quick. I just… can’t wait… you know how I am after a concert.” Johnny’s voice dropped deeper. Jaehyun answered him with low moan.

Their voices faded out and then all Jungwoo could hear was kissing as they moved into a stall.

Jungwoo took a short breath and pressed his hands over his ears.

As if this night could get any worse.

Jungwoo tried not to listen to Johnny’s murmuring and Jaehyun’s soft groans.

Jaehyun—whom he thought was truly on his side—said he was “always a little weird.”

Johnny said he “looked healthy.” Jungwoo knew what that really meant.

Fat.

Now he had to listen to them make out or have sex or whatever they were doing in there.

This was a nightmare scenario. Jungwoo wiped away a tear and tried not to breathe. He remembered the side effects they talked about in treatment. Bulimia could ruin your teeth. It could ruin your stomach. It could cause heart irregularities and drops in your potassium levels that could cause you to suddenly have a heart attack and die.

Jungwoo wished something like that would happen to him right now.

Johnny and Jaehyun weren’t in the bathroom for very long. They left walking close and laughing together, like they didn’t have a care in the world. Like they didn’t care about Jungwoo at all. Which they didn’t. They didn’t even wash their hands. Jungwoo waited a while until after they left to slip out of his stall. He had to wait a little longer until he could breathe again. He was glad he didn’t start crying. He couldn’t give in.

When he got back to the viewing room, Johnny and Jaehyun were cuddling on the couch. Yuta was sitting on the other couch with Taeil. Haechan and Mark were both on the floor, passed out. Doyoung had taken over a chair. On screen, the 9 of them were performing their last song before the encore, looking happy and bright.

Jungwoo didn’t remember performing in that concert. It felt like a different life.

“Hey…” Doyoung reached out and grabbed Jungwoo’s wrist as he walked past. “Where have you been?”

Jungwoo pulled his arm away and went to sit by himself in another chair on the far side of the room.

He watched them all on screen. At the end of the song, they all held hands, thrust them in the air and then bent over towards the crowd in a deep, grateful bow.

On screen, they looked like the perfect group. Like a happy family.

But Jungwoo knew better.

He didn’t belong there at all. And it was only a matter of time before the others realized it, too. If he couldn’t keep this secret.

Today had been full of too many close calls. He had to do better. He needed to keep it together. He needed to become thinner and smaller and more talented and less weird.

He felt like the others were already getting too close to the truth.

He couldn’t trust anyone.

Jaehyun didn’t even care about him anymore. It was just a matter of time before Jungwoo lost everyone.

Jungwoo felt exhausted. As terrible as it was, the promise of another chance to wake up, stuff his face and throw up all over again was the only thing that kept him holding on.

Next time, he was going to get it right.

When they got back to the hotel room, Mark fell asleep in his bed right away. Jungwoo couldn’t sleep. All the restaurants were closed and there was no way he could go to a store. He didn’t have the energy.

Jungwoo crept to the bathroom. The last two halves of the pill were waiting for him in his toiletry bag.

Jaehyun’s voice echoed in his ears. _Jungwoo’s always a little weird._

Jungwoo remembered Taeyong hunched over the sink, swallowing down a pill.

Jungwoo took the pill as well.

He wondered if Taeyong felt like he did. He laid down on his bed as the room went hazy. He felt like he was floating. He felt like nothing could touch him. He could understand why people got addicted to this stuff.

But nothing beat the drug that Jungwoo already had.

It would be waiting for him in the morning. The only thing in his life he could count on.

That was Jungwoo’s last thought before he finally passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think. What's going on with Taeyong? Were Johnny and Jaehyun being mean? How can Jungwoo pull himself out of this spiral? Will Yuta or Mark figure it out? I wanna hear your thoughts! You are the best! 💚  
> You can find me here:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/cherrysodapop14)
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.qa/cherrysodakpop14)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A free day in Mexico City.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> \- Self-induced Vomiting  
> \- Self Harm  
> \- Suicidal thoughts  
> \- Graphic description of a bloody eye  
> \- Smoking

Bulimia was a terrible way to lose weight.

Jungwoo sighed, stepping off the scale. Even after purging, it barely budged. He’d been around the same weight for the past week. He looked through the numbers in his notebook and bit his lip.

He remembered his fellow bulimics bitching about this in the treatment program. They were jealous of the anorexics, who were always stick thin as they sat stoically in the dining hall, staring down their food. Most of the bulimics were around average weight or thinner, but not _too_ thin. Jungwoo didn’t get it back then. Now, he understood why. It would be so much easier if he could just stop eating.

Easier to disappear.

Jungwoo returned to the toilet and tried again. He needed to make sure he got rid of everything. He gagged himself hard, bringing up nothing more than bile and water. He spent a few minutes using his toothbrush so he could reach deeper down his throat, gagging violently over and over again. Still, nothing happened. Jungwoo gave up, sitting back on his knees with a sigh. The shower was still running, spraying cold water everywhere. Jungwoo swallowed back the sour aftertaste of vomit and felt the soreness of his throat. His stomach hurt, too. But nothing hurt more than the sting of his failure.

When he got back on the scale, the number went up 0.1 kilograms.

Jungwoo kicked it against the wall with a groan. Mark pounded on the door as soon as he turned the shower off.

“Woo, hurry up!” Mark yelled. “We’re supposed to be downstairs in ten minutes.”

Jungwoo would have said something but his throat hurt too much to yell. Instead, he nodded like Mark could see. He quickly brushed his teeth and washed his face. He couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror. He was naked so he would see everything that was wrong with him. Every lump. Every disgusting protrusion of fat. He couldn’t deal with it right now.

Jungwoo quickly got dressed. His backpack was up against the wall. He put his scale in the case, then slipped it on the backpack. He wrote down his current weight in his notebook and dropped that in the backpack as well, then zipped it up. He took a moment to put on his game face—a bright smile—and then turned off his music and exited the bathroom.

“It’s so nice outside,” Mark said, tying a hoodie around his waist. “I just went on the balcony and I was like, sweating.”

Jungwoo slipped on his jean jacket. Mark turned around, looked at him and then gasped.

Jungwoo flinched.

“Dude, what happened to your eye?” Mark exclaimed.

Jungwoo blinked and reached up to touch his eyes, gingerly.

“What?” he said, hoarsely.

“Your eye! Your right eye! It’s bleeding!” Mark looked horrified. “Are you okay?”

Jungwoo turned and hurried back inside the bathroom.

He stopped in front of the mirror.

The bottom half of his right eye was totally red.

It was full of blood.

He didn’t feel it.

It looked awful.

“Oh…” Jungwoo said. The redness of his eye was shocking. Unnatural. Horrifying. A bright, blooming red that threatened to take over every surface of his eye. Maybe even more than that. His whole face. His soul. His eye was swimming in blood. It looked like it might drown.

All of a sudden, Jungwoo felt dizzy. He gripped the sink to keep from falling over.

“Jungwoo, what happened?” Mark said, appearing behind him. Jungwoo closed his right eye so he wouldn’t have to look at it anymore. “Does it hurt?”

“N-no—” Jungwoo stuttered out. “I’m… I’m fine.”

“Dude, we have to _tell_ someone!” Mark said. “Can you see? Let’s call manager-hyung.”

Jungwoo shook his head, still feeling dizzy. He couldn’t move. He knew what had happened. He burst a blood vessel in his eye forcing himself to throw up. He’d heard about it happening at the treatment center.

He never thought it would happen to him.

“I’m fine!” Jungwoo said, a little harsher. “I… it’s just… I didn’t get enough sleep.”

“Your eye wasn’t all red like that when you woke up. I would have remembered,” Mark said. “I just saw it now. Did something happen in the bathroom?”

“No!” Jungwoo yelled, whirling around. Mark took a small step back. “It’s nothing. It doesn’t hurt. It just happened. We don’t need to tell anyone.”

Mark looked confused. “Jungwoo, they’re going to see…”

“I’m fine!” Jungwoo snapped again. He stomped past Mark, knowing damn well that Mark was right. Everyone was going to see. Everyone was going to have questions. How the hell was he supposed to explain this? His face was already puffy, which was one of the tell-tale signs of purging that he couldn’t avoid. He used a cold face mask every night and that seemed to help.

He couldn’t afford to have another sign.

Jungwoo didn’t know how he was going to escape this. It was too late to fake sick. Even if he could get out of this trip, they would see him that night or the next day.

Jungwoo took a deep breath and sat down. He decided to concentrate on putting on his sneakers, tying them up tight.

“Jungwoo, are you okay?” Mark asked in a small voice. Jungwoo couldn’t look at him. He needed to focus on getting through this day as normally as possible.

He couldn’t show how he really felt.

He couldn’t show Mark that he was scared.

He was completely freaked out.

God, why couldn’t he stop?

Jungwoo finished putting on his shoes and got up. He grabbed his backpack from the bathroom. He found a pair of sunglasses in the front pocket and slipped them on. Then he looked at Mark.

“Don’t tell anyone,” he said, in a low voice. “You’ll just worry them for no reason. I’m fine.” Jungwoo headed out the door. They were already late.

“Don’t you think you should tell?” Mark asked. He quickly put on his shoes and grabbed his stuff, following Jungwoo out. “Your eye. Aren’t you worried? You should see a doctor!”

Jungwoo whirled on Mark in the hallway. “Shut up!” he barked. “Leave me the fuck alone. Don’t say _anything_!”

His voice was so mean and cold. Jungwoo hadn’t heard himself speak like that before. Mark stopped in his tracks and stared at him, his mouth open, a surprised and hurt look on his face.

A good person wouldn’t talk to their best friend like that.

Jungwoo wasn’t a good person.

Jungwoo turned back around and hurried to the stairs. He pushed the door open and ran down the stairs instead of taking the elevator.

Jungwoo stopped in the bottom of the stairwell and googled “broken blood vessel in eye.” He quickly scanned the results.

It was called a subconjunctival hemorrhage. Possible causes were violent coughing or sneezing or vomiting.

Vomiting.

This would be the first thing someone saw if they looked this up.

The website said that the hemorrhage was harmless, but it could take up to two weeks to heal.

Jungwoo swallowed hard. He couldn’t keep sunglasses on for two weeks.

Maybe he could keep them on for today and that might give him some time. Maybe the redness would calm down. He could think of an excuse. He sneezed really hard? That would work.

What if he popped another blood vessel in his eye the next time he threw up?

Why wasn’t he good at this?

Jungwoo didn’t want to throw up anymore.

He couldn’t stop.

He was scared.

Jungwoo felt a wave of dizziness wash over him, so hard that he caused him to bend over and grab his knees. He felt like he could fall over. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. This was so hard. He didn’t want to do it anymore. He wasn’t even losing weight. He could feel his stomach pressing uncomfortably against the waistband of his jeans. He felt so trapped and he felt so scared. He felt completely out of control. He just wanted to go to sleep forever. He couldn’t beat this. He wanted to just give in. He wasn’t meant for this life. He couldn’t do anything right.

Jungwoo slid to the floor, breathing too hard as he pulled his knees up to his chest and pressed his face against his knees. His heart was racing. His whole body was shaking.

Please help me please help me please help me please help me, Jungwoo begged in his head.

 _They already tried to help you and you failed_ , the nasty voice in his head answered. _Nobody loves you. Nobody cares about you. Even Jaehyun called you weird. You tell them and you’re being shipped home, and they’ll never think about you again. You’ll have nothing._

Jungwoo gripped his hair. His sunglasses slipped off his face, slick from his tears. He didn’t remember when he started crying but now, he was sobbing. He had to stop crying. He had to pull it together.

They were waiting for him.

Maybe he could tell them he was sick? But Mark already saw that he was all ready to go. If he wasn’t there, Mark would definitely tell them about his eye.

How was he going to hide this? How was he supposed to hide everything?

The world tilted sideways underneath him. He cried harder.

Without thinking, without knowing what he was about to do, Jungwoo hit his head back hard against the concrete wall. The pain was sharp and immediate, echoing through his head. He gasped out from the shock of it all, his eyes flying open. He had no idea why he did that. It hurt so bad. Jungwoo gingerly touched the back of his head, expecting to see blood. He didn’t. Strangely, despite the ringing in his ears and the pain echoing through his head, he stopped crying. Hitting his head seemed to snap him out of his panic attack. Maybe he should keep bashing his head in until he really did start to bleed. He sat there, numbly, not even sure what was going on in his own mind, as his phone started ringing in his backpack.

Jungwoo took a deep breath. His teeth were chattering from how bad he was shaking. Everything hurt. He wasn’t able to get the phone before it stopped ringing. Jaehyun left him a voicemail.

“Hey,” Jaehyun said, cheerfully on voicemail. “Jungwoo? Where are you? We’re all waiting. Mark said you left the room with him. Are you okay? We’re not leaving without you! Our Jungwoo.”

Jungwoo sniffed. Yeah, right. Their weird, useless Jungwoo.

Jungwoo rubbed the back of his head and then his eye. One moment, he’d been having one of the worst panic attacks he’d had in a long time and now, his eyes were dry, and he felt like he barely knew where he was. He had a searing headache. Oh God, what if he had a concussion along with this burst blood vessel? Maybe he caused himself to get a brain bleed and he’d just pass out and die on the way to the pyramids and that would be the end of this.

The thought didn’t scare him very much. Not as much as the thought they’d find out that he was throwing up again.

Jungwoo managed to get himself up to his feet after a few moments. He slipped on his sunglasses and checked his face out in his phone camera. His face was slightly red, but his swollen-from-crying and scarily red eyes were hidden by the sunglasses.

He wasn’t going to take them off.

Just be normal, Jungwoo, he told himself.

He pushed his way out of the side door that led to the bright morning sun outside.

Everyone was waiting in front of the van they’d hired to take them to the pyramids. They were all there, except for Taeyong. Jungwoo braced himself. Things had gotten a little tense last week because after their non-stop schedules in LA they had more press, their San Francisco show and then two shows in Mexico, back-to-back. This was the first day they’d had off in ten days. It was their chance to unwind in Mexico before they traveled to Chile and then to Brazil for their last South American show.

Jungwoo liked being busy. It made it easier to hide.

Jungwoo gripped the straps of his backpack as he joined the group. He didn’t say anything. There was no need to announce his arrival, especially when he was hoping no one would look at him.

“Taeyong’s not coming?” Jaehyun asked Johnny as Jungwoo walked up behind them.

“Didn’t even bother asking him,” Johnny said. “You always know he’s going to say no.”

“You should still ask him.”

“Nah.” Johnny shook his head. “I think it’s better if we don’t bother him too much. I got this, babe.”

Jungwoo stopped in his tracks when Johnny kissed the side of Jaehyun’s face. Was it too late to change his mind?

Jungwoo took a step back.

“Say hi everyone!” Johnny said, holding up one of his many video cameras. Fuck. Jungwoo totally forgot they were filming this for JCC. Something else to worry about.

“Jungwoo!” Johnny cried, finding him with his camera. The others noticed him at the same time.

“Yay, now we can leave!” Haechan cheered, heading over to climb onto the van. Mark followed him without a glance in Jungwoo’s direction.

“Where did you go?” Jaehyun asked, walking over to Jungwoo. “I called you.”

Jungwoo looked away for a moment. He’d been replaying the moment where Jaehyun called him weird in the bathroom over and over again in his head over the past week. The rational part of his mind heard the affection in Jaehyun’s voice and told him that his hyung loved him and didn’t mean anything by it. But the other part, the biggest part, the nasty voice that took over his mind, told him that Jaehyun had never really cared about him at all and the reason he was always choosing Johnny over him nowadays was because he wanted to be far away from the weird loser fat freak that was Kim Jungwoo who dared to think Jaehyun might ever be into him romantically.

Jungwoo sighed quietly.

“I had to go to the bathroom,” Jungwoo said, his voice sounding more normal than he expected. “My stomach hurt.” A little closer to the truth than he wanted but now it was out of his mouth. Oh well.

“Did you drink the water?” Doyoung asked, appearing beside Jaehyun. “Did you brush your teeth with bottled water or water from the sink?”

“Sink,” Jungwoo answered.

Doyoung winced. “You have to use the bottled water, Jungwoo. I have medicine. Come on.” He wrapped his arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders and led him onto the van. Hopefully, Johnny didn’t film that conversation but on the other hand, Jungwoo didn’t really care.

Everyone piled on the van. Jungwoo sat next to Doyoung. His hyung gave him Pepto-Bismol and anti-diarrhea pills. These were not what Jungwoo wanted to take since he was always looking for the best way to get everything out of his stomach, but he didn’t have a choice if he didn’t want Doyoung to ask questions.

“Hyung?” Jungwoo asked quietly. “Do you have any Tylenol?”

Doyoung sighed and rubbed Jungwoo’s stomach. “Poor baby,” he murmured. He gave Jungwoo a couple of Tylenol pills. Jungwoo swallowed them down. He didn’t tell Doyoung that it wasn’t his stomach but that his head hurt from smashing it against a wall. Jungwoo didn’t want to think about that particular moment of insanity.

“We are traveling to a really cool place,” Johnny narrated once everyone was on the van. He was standing in front of his self-cam, talking to it so all the others were in the background. “We are in Mexico City. We’re going to the Teotihuacan National Park to see pyramids! That’s hard to say. Teotihuacan. I had to practice!”

Johnny’s annoying voice wasn’t helping Jungwoo’s headache.

“The Pyramid of the Sun and the Pyramid of the Moon,” Johnny continued. “Hey! We’ve got the sun and moon on the bus right now.”

“Hell yeah!” Haechan cried. Taeil cheered with him and everyone laughed. Jungwoo tried to join in but his head really hurt.

“I can’t wait to climb all the way to the top.” Johnny turned the camera around to face the group. “Are you guys excited to see the pyramids?”

“Yeah!” Everyone cried. Jungwoo tried not to wince.

“How do you say ‘hi’ in Spanish?” Johnny drilled them.

“ _Hola_!” Everyone chorused.

“How do you say ‘please’ in Spanish?”

“ _Por favor_!”

“How do you say ‘thank you’ in Spanish?”

“ _Gracias_!”

Doyoung answered with them, smiling. When Doyoung looked over at him, Jungwoo tried to smile but his face wasn’t working. He didn’t feel like saying anything. His throat hurt and the Tylenol wasn’t helping.

The van rumbled along, out of the city. Johnny finished filming so everyone was hanging out now, having side conversations.

“Are you going to take these off?” Doyoung murmured, touching the bridge of Jungwoo’s sunglasses. Jungwoo jumped in his seat.

“Did it hurt?” Doyoung asked, concerned.

Jungwoo told himself to calm down. “No…” he mumbled. “I’m gonna keep them on. I’m going to sleep. The sun… it’s bright.”

“Good idea,” Doyoung said. “I think it’ll be an hour before we get there. When you wake up, you’ll feel better.”

Jungwoo got comfortable against Doyoung’s chest with his hyung’s help. He adjusted his sunglasses so they would stay on his face, even though it was uncomfortable. He closed his eyes. Doyoung wrapped an arm around him. He could feel Doyoung’s heartbeat underneath his cheek.

Jungwoo pretended to be asleep. He was good at that. But there was no way he could relax. Instead, he listened to everyone’s conversations.

He listened for any clues.

Did anyone suspect anything? Had Mark said something?

But he didn’t hear anything that sounded suspicious. Even Doyoung, although he spoke quietly, only talked to Yuta and Taeil about selfie ideas and what stores they wanted to go to when they got to Europe.

Nobody noticed.

Nobody cared.

They all filed off the van when they got to Teotihuacan National Park. They wandered through a bazaar full of vendors selling all sorts of souvenirs and Mexican crafts and goods. The sun shone brightly overhead. Jungwoo was grateful. There were no questions about his sunglasses out here.

He pulled off his jean jacket and stuffed it in his backpack. Johnny and a couple of staff filmed them while a tour guide gave them history of the park, the Pyramid of the Sun and the Pyramid of the Moon. Jungwoo rubbed the back of his head. It still hurt.

After the lecture, they were free to wander around the park which was huge. It held many different pyramids and ruins which were over 2000 years old. Jungwoo knew it should be a breathtaking sight, but he was tired. It was way too crowded. Jungwoo didn’t see any fans, but he was sure someone was watching him from somewhere.

“Come on, Jungwoo!” Haechan called, stopping beside him. “Let’s go climb up those stairs over there.” He pointed at the ruins just ahead, crawling with people who were climbing up them and taking pictures. The group split up. Some of the guys explored the immediate area and some of them walked toward the main pyramids. Johnny was running around, filming everything.

“I don’t wanna climb,” Jungwoo said. He noticed how Mark walked past them without a glance. Jungwoo tried not to look at him either.

Unfortunately, Haechan noticed too. “You guys are fighting again?” Haechan asked, looking between Mark and Jungwoo. “You’re not staying over!” Haechan called, running after Mark.

Jungwoo was glad. He wanted to be alone. He started walking. He didn’t care where he went.

The sun overhead was so hot. He was so tired.

Jungwoo dragged his feet across the dusty landscape to the other side of Teotihuacan National Park, passing all the pyramids and ruins and tunnels and tourists without a glance. There was another group of vendors on the other sides and a booth that looked like a make-shift convenience store. Jungwoo headed over there. Johnny hadn’t taught them the word for smoking, but Jungwoo mimed the universal signal of placing two spread fingers up in front of his lips. That did the trick. He paid for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

“ _Gracias_ ,” Jungwoo said, quietly.

Jungwoo wandered out to the parking lot where their van was waiting in the distance. He sat on the curb, far away from most cars, and lit up.

Why did Jungwoo give up smoking? Because sasaengs posted a picture of him and he started coughing all the time? That was a stupid reason. Let them take pictures and spread it around. He didn’t care anymore. His life started going downhill when he stopped smoking. Not only was smoking a stress reliever, it was an appetite suppressant. Quitting was one of the worst decisions of his life. He was smoking again. Who cared if he got lung cancer in a few years? Hopefully, he’d get it sooner.

Jungwoo chain smoked his way through half the pack before he felt someone standing above him. Jaehyun looked down at him, shielding his eyes from the sun. Unlike Jungwoo, he wasn’t wearing sunglasses.

“There you are,” Jaehyun said, softly.

Jungwoo looked around like Jaehyun might be talking about someone else. Why was Jaehyun looking for him all the time? It’s not like he cared.

Jungwoo didn’t say anything, blowing out his latest lungful of smoke even though Jaehyun was directly in its path. He had no idea what brand of cigarettes these were. They tasted awful. He wanted to buy another pack.

“You’re smoking?” Jaehyun asked, lightly. “On a tour where we’re singing live every other night?”

Jungwoo looked at his hyung blankly and took another drag. He knew he needed to snap out of this. But he couldn’t.

“What’s going on?” Jaehyun sat next to him.

“Where’s Johnny?” Jungwoo asked, his voice way too bitter. Damn. He couldn’t trust himself to speak. He put the cigarette back in his mouth and held it, too tight.

Jaehyun gave him a look. “We’re not attached at the hip…” he said, slowly.

Jungwoo had a lot of responses. Like, you could have fooled me. Or, I know you’d rather be with him. Or, I know you think I’m a pathetic, weird loser so just leave me alone.

Jungwoo tipped his chin up this time when he blew out the smoke and stared at the sun.

“It’s because you don’t feel good?” Jaehyun asked. “That’s why you’re in a bad mood?”

Jungwoo nodded after a moment. He didn’t feel good. That was an understatement. His right eye was swimming in blood. He bashed his own head against a fucking wall. He was puking every day and gaining fucking weight. His throat hurt all the time. His teeth hurt when he drank hot or cold drinks. He kept having these crazy thoughts he hated. If he allowed himself to think about what he was doing for one second he felt totally out of control.

Jungwoo felt terrible.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun said. He did sound sorry. He did sound like he cared. He sat next to Jungwoo, their bodies close. Jungwoo thought he might cry if he weren’t too busy smoking.

Thank God for the cigarettes.

Jungwoo could feel Jaehyun looking him over. Maybe he was looking for the signs. He remembered that awful time after Jaehyun discovered his secret. In most ways, the was the worst time of his life. But in another smaller way, it had been a good thing. For the first time, Jungwoo wasn’t alone with this horrible thing that was happening to him. And he got to spend all his time with Jaehyun, whom he really loved. They didn’t really talk about what was going on but just being with him was enough. There were moments when Jungwoo truly thought he was going to make it through. That he could get better, just from Jaehyun being by his side.

Of course, that was never going to happen. He wasn’t meant to get better. He realized how much of a toll it was taking on Jaehyun. How Jungwoo was such a huge burden on his life. He couldn’t do that to Jaehyun again. He couldn’t reach out. He couldn’t get caught.

But maybe if Jaehyun asked? If he noticed? Did he remember what it was like back then, too? Or had he blocked it all out?

It was so much easier for Jungwoo to just be better and normal. Jungwoo knew that. It was better for the group. He couldn’t shatter that illusion they all had. They had a job to do. If Jaehyun or anyone knew the truth, it would ruin everything. They’d worked hard for this tour. They waited for over a year for life to be normal again. Jungwoo couldn’t do that to them. Not only that, but if they found out, he’d be going home as a disgrace. Even though it was true that he was a disgrace, Jungwoo didn’t want the whole world to know.

“It’s hot out here,” Jaehyun said. “Let’s go sit on the van until the others come back. I’ll find the driver. Then you can get some rest.” He paused for a moment. “You can’t smoke, though.”

Jungwoo nodded. The truth was, he was getting too hot. He finished the cigarette and pitched it in the grass with the others. Jaehyun got up, picked up all his cigarette butts out of the grass and walked them over to a nearby ashtray, disposing of them.

Shit. Jungwoo really was a jerk.

He slipped his cigarette pack and lighter in the front pouch of his backpack and followed Jaehyun. They sat on the van with the AC on low. Jungwoo leaned against Jaehyun as they watched funny TikTok videos on his phone, endlessly scrolling through Jaehyun’s FYP. A lot of the videos were funny. Jungwoo giggled along with Jaehyun.

For a moment, it felt like old times.

It almost felt like Jungwoo was going to be okay.

But Jungwoo knew better.

*

They ended up at a restaurant near the National Park at the end of the day. The sun set and the temperature dropped quickly. They ate inside at a long table that would fit all the members. Their manager and staff sat a different table, inside a small room. It seemed like they wanted a break.

“Traditional Mexican Food!” Johnny narrated, still filming for JCC. “Let’s order everything and share.”

“Tacos!” Taeil cried out.

“Tequila!” Haechan said with a grin. Everyone laughed.

Jungwoo scanned the menu and adjusted his sunglasses. Ordering the whole menu seemed like a good idea. The bathroom situation here might work for him. Funny enough, the bathroom was in a little separate area outside, away from the restaurant.

If he timed it right, Jungwoo might be able to sneak out there and purge after a group meal for once.

 _Wow_ , the nasty voice in his head said. _After all the crying and freaking out this morning over your eye, you’re dying to do it all over again. How sick._

Shut up, Jungwoo thought. God, he hated these crazy voices.

Stopping was not an option.

“Okaaaaaaaaay…” Johnny said, as they passed Tequila shots to everyone around the table. “Let’s have a toast. To the best post-pandemic tour in history. Am I right? Right!”

Everyone laughed and thrust their shot glasses in the air. Jungwoo tried his best to laugh with them. He was sitting next to Yuta with Taeil on his other side. Doyoung, Mark and Haechan sat across from him. Johnny and Jaehyun were sitting at opposite ends of the table. It was a little cramped, but they were used to that.

“ _Salud_!” Johnny said. They all copied him. Jungwoo tossed the tequila back. It really burned. It seriously hurt. It caught him off guard. He got tears in his eyes. He started coughing so hard that everyone turned to him.

“Whoa, are you alright?” Yuta asked. Taeil rubbed his back.

“No more tequila for you,” Johnny said.

“Jungwoo, why are your sunglasses on?” Doyoung asked. “We’re inside. It’s dark out.”

Everyone stared at him.

This was the last thing that Jungwoo wanted to happen.

Jungwoo looked at Mark. Mark looked away.

Jungwoo didn’t know what to do. He was out of options. Thinking about coming up with more and more excuses made him feel so tired.

He took off his sunglasses.

Doyoung gasped and clapped a hand to his mouth.

“Holy shit!” Johnny said. “Jungwoo, your eye.”

“Jungwoo,” Yuta hissed beside him. “Oh my God…”

“What happened? Did someone do that to you?” Taeil asked. His voice sounded a bit scary. Like he wanted to beat someone up on Jungwoo’s behalf.

Doyoung got up and came to look at his eye, tilting Jungwoo’s head back. “It’s blood…” he said.

“I-I-“ Jungwoo stuttered. “I woke up like this.”

He dared Mark to contradict him with his mind. Mark didn’t say anything.

“It looks seriously scary,” Haechan said, shaking his head.

“Jungwoo, does it hurt?” Jaehyun asked.

Jungwoo sniffed and didn’t say anything. Now both Doyoung and Yuta were in his face, looking him over.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Doyoung asked in a low voice.

“I’m fine…” Jungwoo said, trying to keep the shakiness out of his voice. “I knew… you’d all freak out and I didn’t want to ruin Johnny’s JCC episode.”

Johnny scoffed. “Jungwoo, you’re worth way more than a stupid JCC episode. We should have taken you to the doctor. What’s going on?”

“You can see right?” Doyoung asked. “You didn’t answer Jaehyun about if it hurts.”

“It doesn’t hurt,” Jungwoo said, quickly. “I can see.”

“You should go to the doctor. Tonight.” Doyoung ran a hand over Jungwoo’s hair and then walked over to where all the staff were sitting. Great, this was now officially a big deal.

“You can’t see our fans like that,” Haechan said. “You’ll freak them out.”

Johnny gave Haechan a look.

The food came out soon after that. Everyone went back to their seats and they started eating. The good mood was totally broken. Everything felt weird.

It was all Jungwoo’s fault.

Jungwoo knew they were all thinking about him.

What did they think? Did they suspect the truth?

Jungwoo didn’t feel like eating.

What a relief.

“Why aren’t you eating?” Yuta asked him.

“I don’t feel good,” Jungwoo said, telling the truth for once.

Yuta sighed a little. “I’m sorry, Woo…” He wrapped his arm around Jungwoo and pulled him against his side. “We’ll leave soon. You shouldn’t have hidden your eye from us. How scary.”

Jungwoo leaned against Yuta as everyone ate quickly, all the happy banter they’d all been sharing gone. Doyoung gave Jungwoo more Pepto-Bismol when he came back to the table.

Jungwoo knew they rushed through dinner so they could get back on the van. Jungwoo sat with Doyoung again. This time he really did fall asleep against him, waking up when Doyoung shook him gently once they were back at the hotel.

A doctor came to his hotel room. Their manager stood near the door. Doyoung sat with him with him and held his hand through the examination. Mark sat on his bed. The doctor asked him again how it happened. Jungwoo stuck with his same story.

“Usually, this type of hemorrhage happens after a strenuous activity,” the doctor said. “Not when you’re sleeping. But it can also be a result of stress.”

Jungwoo nodded and glanced at Doyoung. His hyung was staring intently at the doctor.

The doctor gave him eye drops. “It’ll clear up on its own, but it’s going to take time. Use the eye drops to help with any discomfort. If it hasn’t cleared up in about a week, see another doctor to check in.”

Jungwoo nodded again.

“You need sleep,” Doyoung said, when the doctor and manager left. “You need more sleep. That helps with stress. Go to bed, Jungwoo.” He glanced over at Mark. “Mark, you’ll make sure he goes straight to bed, right? No staying up and playing video games.”

Mark nodded. “Yes, hyung,” he said.

“Okay.” Doyoung smiled and kissed Jungwoo on the forehead before standing up. “Call me if you need anything, okay, Jungwoo-ah?”

I need help, Jungwoo wanted to scream. But in real life, he nodded.

“Goodnight,” Doyoung said to both of them.

Jungwoo flopped back on his bed when Doyoung left and covered his face with his hands.

He was really tired.

He could feel Mark’s eyes on him.

The room was silent for a while, except for the chime of Jungwoo’s phone. The members were texting him, checking on him. He didn’t want to look at their messages right now.

When Jungwoo lowered his hands and opened his eyes, he saw Mark staring at him.

“Why did you lie and say it happened when you were sleeping?” Mark asked in a low voice.

Jungwoo sat up.

“Because it did,” he said, hotly.

“Jungwoo, I saw you when you woke up. I would have noticed. We ate breakfast together. Your eye was fine. It wasn’t until after you came out of the bathroom.”

“Mark!” Jungwoo yelled. It just burst out of him. Mark looked startled.

“You don’t know,” Jungwoo hissed.

Mark didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. He seemed to be gathering his nerve.

“Jungwoo…” he said. “Why do you take a shower after every meal? Last night, you showered after dinner and then this morning, you showered after breakfast. But you had just showered.”

Jungwoo choked out a laugh in disbelief.

But his heart was slamming against his chest.

Mark was getting dangerously close to the truth.

Jungwoo couldn’t let that happen.

“What the fuck, Mark?” he said, staring at Mark across the room. “You have a problem with how often I shower? Someone of us don’t want to smell like ass, like you do all the time.”

Mark flinched a little. “Yeah, I… didn’t shower a few times. But—”

“This happened because of stress!” Jungwoo said, standing up and pointing at his eye. “Because of you! Because you were stressing me out. You led me on, Mark. You acted like you liked me, but you just used me to get off and then you dumped me.”

Mark’s mouth dropped open. “What? Jungwoo, that’s not true! You know it’s not true! I thought—”

“Yes, it is!”

Mark stood up, holding out his hands. “Jungwoo! What—I didn’t do that! I thought we talked. I thought we agreed… that it was fun. Jungwoo!” Mark sounded like he was going to burst into tears. He sounded so betrayed.

Now Jungwoo understood why the doctor said stress could cause this. He felt like his other eye was going to pop. He felt like he was going to explode. He had to get out of there.

“You’re not a good best friend!” Jungwoo yelled. “You’re not my best friend. We’re not friends anymore! Don’t talk to me, Mark.”

Mark stared at him, tears welling up in his eyes. Jungwoo would do the same if someone screamed at him like that. Especially if that person was supposed to be his best friend.

He hated himself.

“Don’t tell anyone about this,” Jungwoo hissed.

Mark bit his lower lip, a tear falling from his eye. “Fine…” He said, in a shaky voice.

“I’m getting a new roommate.” Jungwoo glared at Mark one last time. He couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t stop whatever was happening right now, just like he couldn’t stop himself when he slammed his head against the wall. He felt like a wild animal. He felt trapped. Jungwoo grabbed his phone and his backpack and then stormed out of the hotel room. He would have slammed the door but it was a fancy hotel so the door only clicked softly behind him.

Jungwoo felt like he couldn’t breathe.

He headed outside.

It was cold. Jungwoo was only in the shorts and t-shirt he changed into as soon as he got back to the room. It didn’t matter. Jungwoo slid against the side of the hotel building and sat on the hard, dirty ground. He chain-smoked his way through the rest of his pack of cigarettes. By the time he was done, his fingers were dirty with ash, he was dizzy, and his hands were still shaking.

Just start walking, Jungwoo, he thought. He looked down at his white hotel slippers, which were now a dusty brown on the bottom. Just start walking and never look back. Walk straight into traffic. Then it’ll be done.

Jungwoo pressed a hand to his mouth and burst into tears.

He cried for what felt like a long time or maybe his body simply ran out of tears. He really didn’t have any sense of time. It was still dark.

He pulled his phone out of his backpack. It felt like he’d been out there for hours, but in reality, it was a little bit after ten. He hadn’t been out there that long. Jungwoo looked at his most recent notification. A message from Jaehyun an hour ago.

 **Jaehyun** : How are you? What did the doctor say? Can I come over?

Jungwoo shakily typed out a reply.

 **Jungwoo** : I’m so sorry I can’t do this I can’t stop I’m really scared I don’t want to do this anymore please don’t hate me I’m scared you’ll all hate me I’m not better

Jungwoo read the message over, feeling that lump in his throat, the one that threatened to choke him to death.

He deleted the message.

 **Jungwoo** : The doctor said I’m okay. I’m going to go sleep. Goodnight hyung. I’ll see you in the morning.

Jungwoo quickly hit send.

Jungwoo pinched his side, feeling all the squishy flesh there. This was the reason he was like this. This was the reason he was so weak and out of control and crazy. Because he’d gotten so fat. He couldn’t make it go away.

Truthfully, he didn’t want to stop. He wanted to try again. He wanted to get this right. If he could lose the weight, he’d be better. He’d be worthy. He’d be better equipped for this life. There was a big part of him that thought he could finally succeed if he just kept going. He couldn’t give up now. Last time he gave it up, everything got worse.

Jungwoo didn’t know where to go. He couldn’t go to Jaehyun and Johnny’s room. They’d be too suspicious. Doyoung and Yuta were out. They’d be even more suspicious. Haechan and Taeil? If Mark wasn’t already there, Haechan would probably spill the fact that he and Mark hooked up.

Jungwoo slowly got to his feet. He put his sunglasses on.

Taeyong was on a different floor than the rest of them. He knocked on the door.

There was no answer. Jungwoo knocked again.

He stood there, staring at the red carpet at his feet for a long time before Taeyong finally opened the door. The room behind him was dark. Taeyong had obviously been sleeping.

Jungwoo kept his eyes down, despite the sunglasses. Taeyong was the only one that hadn’t been there. Johnny said that they shouldn’t bother Taeyong.

Maybe he didn’t know.

“Jungwoo,” Taeyong said, his voice croaky with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

Jungwoo took a deep breath. “Can I sleep here tonight, hyung?” he asked in a small voice.

“Of course.” Taeyong stepped aside to let him in. The room smelled a bit funny. Jungwoo couldn’t place the smell. Kind of like antiseptic or something.

“What’s going on?” Taeyong asked. He went to turn on a light, but Jungwoo placed a hand on his arm. When the door closed, it was pitch dark.

“I just…” Jungwoo said. “Can we talk in the morning? I want to go to sleep and… I’m sorry I woke you up hyung.”

“It’s okay,” Taeyong said. He turned on the lamp next to his bed. Jungwoo glanced at the other bed in his room, untouched. “Why are you wearing sunglasses?”

“I have a migraine,” Jungwoo lied. Maybe it wasn’t a total lie. His head did hurt. “Mark’s being too loud. The light… hurts.”

“Oh no.” Taeyong turned off the light quickly. “I’m sorry, Jungwoo. Yes… go lay down. Can you see?”

“I’ll use my phone.” Jungwoo smiled weakly in the darkness and pressed his phone so it woke up and the screen glowed brightly. “I’m going to the bathroom and then I’ll go to bed. Don’t worry, I took medicine already.” The lies poured out of him.

“Okay, Jungwoo. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Jungwoo whispered, before he followed the dim light of his phone to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Inside, he flipped on the light and took off his sunglasses.

He stared at himself in the mirror. His eye was still dangerously red, half-swimming in blood. It almost looked like a work of art. Half of his pupil was black against a deep red background and the other half was black against the pure white of his eye.

It was kind of like Jungwoo. He was innocent. He was dangerous. He led two lives. The life of NCT 127’s cheerful puppy Jungwoo and the life of this terrible, lying, mean, obsessed, sick person that the others barely knew.

The real him.

 _You can’t see our fans like that_ , Haechan had said.

Their maknae was right. His eye looked so scary. The fans would never get over it.

Maybe it was a good thing. No one could look at him now. He didn’t mind.

Jungwoo put his backpack on the floor. Then he turned off the bathroom light and quietly opened the door.

He listened for a moment. Everything was quiet. There was only Taeyong’s soft breathing. He had gone back to sleep.

Jungwoo slowly closed the door, locking himself in the bathroom again.

He turned on the shower.

First, he rifled through Taeyong’s stuff. He found the pills. Another bottle, practically full. He wondered where Taeyong was getting his refills. This time he pocketed five pills, putting them in a little pouch in one of the straps of his backpack.

Then he sat on the floor and pulled out a package of cookies from his backpack and a pound of M&Ms he bought in San Francisco before they left. Emergency binge supplies. If he was a stronger person, he wouldn’t eat them. He’d gotten away with not eating all day. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast. But he wasn’t a stronger person, he was a weak person. And he was hungry.

He crammed the cookies and the M&Ms in his mouth without tasting, without thinking. Binging like this took him to a better place. Everything else faded away. Nothing else mattered. All that mattered was the food. All that mattered was the chewing and swallowing. Feeling fuller and fuller. Knowing that he could get rid of it. Knowing that he was good at something. That he had _something_ in his life that he could always count on. Something that always worked.

Throwing up was the best part. Jungwoo drank directly from the sink hearing Doyoung’s voice chiding him in his ear but it didn’t matter. It was all coming up anyway. And it did come up, nice and smooth, so much of it. Way better than his purge this morning. Afterward, Jungwoo laid naked and alone on the bathroom floor, letting the gentle waves of the post-purge high of happiness and calm wash over him.

He wanted to give it up. But then he did this, and he remembered why he loved it so much.

This was the feeling he was looking for. This feeling that he belonged in this life.

He didn’t know another way to achieve it.

If every time—if every day—could be just like this, Jungwoo’s life would be perfect.

He didn’t think about Mark’s tears. He didn’t think about his bloody eye. He didn’t think about his member’s worried looks. He didn’t think about scaring the fans. He didn’t think about how he was constantly lying to everyone he loved in his life.

Nothing else mattered. All he needed was this.

And he was going to fight to keep it.

After a while, Jungwoo slowly got to his feet. He took his scale out of the backpack and stepped on.

His weight was down 2 kilograms.

Jungwoo smiled to himself, stepping off the scale. There was no better accomplishment than seeing the number go down.

His throat hurt like usual. His stomach hurt. His eye was still a mess. The shower started to run cold. He was coming down from the afterglow.

Still, everything was worth it.

If he could feel like that one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This was an intense chapter to write. Lots of scary things happened. Looking at pictures of a subconjunctival hemorrhage made me feel so upset. I guess it's harmless, but it looks really scary. I would not recommend googling it. Sorry if you ever had to deal with that! My heart goes out to you.
> 
> I think one of the obvious signs that Jungwoo is struggling is that he gets mean. Which is sad to write, because he's not really like that. Do you think that Mark figured it out? How much longer can Jungwoo hide this? Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I love all your comments and CC messages and I read them all the time. Can't wait to hear from you again! Let me know what you think. Thanks for being the best! 💚
> 
> You can find me here:  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/cherrysodapop14)
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.qa/cherrysodakpop14)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mexico City --> Santiago, Chile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> \- Vomiting  
> \- Drug abuse  
> \- Suicidal ideation/thoughts  
> \- panic attack

There was something about that smell.

That lingering vomit smell.

It was a smell that said, something’s not right here.

Jungwoo smelled it when he woke up, plugged into his nose. It didn’t gross him out. At first, it comforted him. It smelled like a job well done. Then it concerned him.

What had he missed?

Jungwoo glanced over at Taeyong’s bed. He was still sleeping, still in the same position he had been in last night. Jungwoo wondered if Taeyong knew the secret about his pills. Did he know how they could make you sleep so hard? How they could make you feel floaty and gentle and calm? He wondered if Taeyong liked it as much as Jungwoo did.

Maybe that’s why Jungwoo barely saw him anymore.

Jungwoo wouldn’t blame him. In fact, he’d understand better than anyone.

He knew what it was like to be not okay.

Jungwoo sniffed his shirt. He tried to smell his hair. Whatever it was, he didn’t clean up very well last night and if he wasn’t quick about it, he was going to pay.

Throwing up in Taeyong’s bathroom had been a really bad idea.

Jungwoo grabbed his backpack and his sunglasses and padded into the bathroom, trying to be as quiet as he could. It was just after 8am. They didn’t have to leave for the airport until late afternoon. They were taking an overnight flight to Santiago. Everyone was probably still asleep. Mark was probably still asleep.

Jungwoo didn’t want to think about Mark.

He didn’t want to think about his eye either. It stared back at him as soon as he looked at his face in the mirror. It still looked so red and angry. It was like a scarlet letter of Jungwoo’s failure. A reminder of his inability to stop doing the very thing that was destroying him. A mark that showed that despite everything, despite how terrible this was, despite all his secrets, Jungwoo loved that moment when he finally got the chance to get rid of everything bad inside of him.

His eye was a reminder that the good feeling never lasted. The badness always came back, stronger than before.

 _You’re so weak_ , his eye said to him. _Everyone knows but now everyone can see it. And not just because you’re fat. All your blood is coming to the surface. Maybe this is a sign that you should just bleed to death._

Jungwoo swallowed hard. He put his sunglasses on with shaking hands.

He didn’t want to look anymore.

He wanted to throw up. He didn’t want to. His stomach was completely empty, but it still looked puffy and soft when he stepped on the scale, naked. His weight was still the same as last night. How was that possible? He hadn’t eaten in hours.

_Weak, weak, weak._

Jungwoo shut his eyes tightly.

He wouldn’t eat anything today. Since they were traveling, he’d be able to get away with it. As long as he wasn’t around anyone for too long.

Jungwoo checked the toilet and the floor. He hadn’t missed. He didn’t usually. He was very clean about it. As clean as you could be forcing yourself to vomit in a toilet. He didn’t know where the smell was coming from.

Jungwoo hopped in the shower. Sometimes he could barely stand to touch himself, even just to wash. How did Mark stand it? He remembered Mark’s light touch as his nimble fingers brushed over Jungwoo stomach and then a little lower while they were kissing. How did Mark not pull away in disgust? But he did, later. That’s why Mark stopped wanting to touch him. That’s why they weren’t even speaking now.

 _You’re not my friend anymore!_ Jungwoo’s own words echoed in his ears. He sounded like he was in second grade, yet it was an adult type of hurt. Something he did to himself. Jungwoo tipped his chin up, letting the gentle spray of the shower run over his face. It was awkward with his sunglasses on. They kept sliding down. Jungwoo kept pushing them back up. The tears didn’t help either.

Jungwoo’s stomach growled loudly.

He wanted to cut it right out of him.

Jungwoo made sure to wash his hair extra well in case that’s where the smell was coming from. He remembered a hair mask Taeyong had that Jungwoo liked to use when he got a chance. That was back in his carefree days when he used to follow everyone around and laugh a lot. So long ago. He wondered if Taeyong still had the hair mask with him.

Jungwoo didn’t deserve nice things. But he wanted to use it anyway.

Taeyong had two bags in the bathroom. The small toiletry bag on the counter where Jungwoo found his pills last night and a larger bag in the corner. Just like Jungwoo suspected, the larger bag contained Taeyong’s hair and skincare products. Like his special purple shampoo and the hair mask Jungwoo was looking for. Jungwoo spotted a few other things. His electric razor. Face sunscreen. A bottle of Hermes cologne.

Jungwoo dug further.

Face masks. A tweezer set. A callous remover. Then a small jar that said Tiger Balm. Jungwoo opened it, finding a white cream inside. He brought it up to his nose and sniffed.

It was that same funny smell that Jungwoo had noticed in Taeyong’s room when he came in last night. Now that Jungwoo didn’t smell like puke anymore, he could smell it again.

Jungwoo wondered what it was for. It wasn’t the type of smell that anyone would want to put on their face.

Jungwoo examined the jar. Besides the name, all the other writing on the jar was in Chinese. Jungwoo couldn’t read it. But he didn’t have a good feeling about it.

Jungwoo put the jar back in the bag and took a deep breath, pressing his lips together tightly.

Jungwoo’s heart started to beat a little faster. He shouldn’t be doing this. This wasn’t his secret to know. Taeyong could wake up any moment. He was going to get caught. Jungwoo put everything away hastily. He was zipping up the bag when he heard a familiar rattle.

Jungwoo froze.

No way.

But when Jungwoo found the hidden inside pocket, he also found another bottle of pills.

Jungwoo sucked in his breath. What was Taeyong doing with so many pills?

Jungwoo remembered the long time that it took Taeyong to open the hotel room door and the pained expression he was trying to hide. The funny smell of this tiger balm. He thought about Taeyong in the bathroom backstage in LA when he thought he was alone. He remembered Taeyong shaking, staring at himself in the mirror.

Taeyong wasn’t addicted to these pills.

His leader was in pain.

Jungwoo was so selfish. How come he hadn’t noticed? Why didn’t anyone tell him that Taeyong was suffering? He would—

Jungwoo looked down at his hand.

He was holding the bottle of pills.

Jungwoo swallowed hard. His heart was racing. He wanted to stop but he couldn’t get the thought out of his brain.

He liked the way the pills made him feel when he took one sometimes.

But now he was thinking about something else.

A whole bottle of pills.

They could be his way out.

There was a part of him that begged him not to be so awful. So messed up. But it was talking to a guy who wore sunglasses in the shower and was now getting dressed without drying off. Who had made himself throw up so much that he blew a blood vessel in his eye. Who smashed his own head against a wall and it still hurt. His throat hurt. His jaw hurt. His stomach hurt. His heart hurt.

A guy who lied and lied and lied and lied.

Jungwoo wished he was a better person.

He knew Taeyong was hurting.

But he was hurting, too.

Jungwoo stuffed the bottle in his backpack. He put Taeyong’s duffle bag back exactly how he found it. He finished getting dressed and found his shoes. He made sure his sunglasses were on. He clutched his backpack to his chest, feeling the hard lump of the pill bottle against him.

Jungwoo left Taeyong’s room without a word.

*

Jungwoo didn’t have anywhere else to go, so he went back to his room. He braced himself but Mark was gone. Even Mark’s suitcase wasn’t there. There was nothing but emptiness and a messy bed on Mark’s side of the room.

Jungwoo wanted to scream. He wanted to call Mark and beg him to forgive him. He wanted to take back every word from last night. He wanted to confess.

But there was no turning back now.

Hopefully, Mark hated him forever. It was for the best. They couldn’t be friends. It was too dangerous.

Besides, Jungwoo wasn’t worth it. He didn’t even want to be friends with himself.

Jungwoo finished drying his hair and put on a fresh pair of track pants and a hoodie and slipped his sunglasses back on. Then he sat on the floor with the stolen bottle of pills, dumped them out and counted them carefully.

50\. Plus the 5 he’d already stolen.

Would that be enough?

Jungwoo had no idea.

For now, he only took one. He placed the pill in his mouth. He chewed it up. He tried not to taste it.

No throwing up today, he decided. His throat still hurt from last time. Besides, sometimes there was something more powerful about staying empty.

Jungwoo’s phone buzzed with a new text.

 **Taeyong** : you left without saying goodbye? Are you okay? Where are you?

Jungwoo closed his eyes and turned his phone off.

 _If he finds out, everyone finds out,_ the voice in his head said. _Then everyone will hate you, not just Mark. You’ll be going home. You’ll be done for good._

Jungwoo nodded. He knew this.

If they sent him home, if they kicked him out of the group, Jungwoo would have nothing left.

54 pills were his insurance plan.

Jungwoo bought a pack of cigarettes from the gift shop in the lobby and walked outside, tapping the pack against his palm. He found a bench and dropped his backpack to the ground before taking a seat. The bottle of pills rattled loudly. He’d have to be careful about that.

Jungwoo fished his lighter out of his backpack and lit up. The day was balmy and bright, even with his sunglasses on. He was sweating inside his hoodie, especially while smoking, but he didn’t mind.

Jungwoo watched the white smoke slowly curl up towards the sun. These cigarettes were much better than the ones he bought yesterday.

“Hey,” Yuta said, sitting down next to him, suddenly. Jungwoo blinked in surprise, turning to him. The world was already starting to move a little slower.

“I was looking for you,” Yuta said. “Stopped by your room but you weren’t there. Looked in the restaurant. Taeyong texted in the group chat wondering where you were.”

“Sorry,” Jungwoo said, belatedly.

“I’ll tell everyone you’re okay.”

Jungwoo nodded, numbly. Sure. He was fine. He thought Yuta was busy on his phone but then he felt Yuta watching him closely.

“You are okay, right?” Yuta asked, slowly. “Taeyong said you came to his room because you had a migraine. How’s your head? How’s your eye? Smoking can’t be good for it.”

Jungwoo pushed his sunglasses up to the top of his head and widened his eyes as far as could. Yuta frowned.

“It doesn’t look any different.”

Jungwoo shrugged, slipping his sunglasses back down. The morning was too bright anyway.

Yuta took Jungwoo’s cigarette from him. Jungwoo sighed. He watched Yuta take a long drag. He was surprisingly good at it. Jungwoo hadn’t seen Yuta smoke before.

Yuta blew the smoke out slowly. Then he stubbed the cigarette out and pitched it into the nearby ashtray. “Doyoung said the doctor said your eye is all like that—” he nodded at Jungwoo. “—due to stress. You’re out here smoking by yourself and not talking. What’s stressing you out, Woo?”

Jungwoo almost laughed. What was stressing him out? Well, let’s see. Over a month of concerts and hotels and planes and never-ending travel for the first time in over a year, only a few months after he returned from treatment. Fans constantly following them and screaming and stalking and taking pictures. Crouching in strange bathrooms trying not to gag too loudly while he forced himself to puke. The stupid too-frequent showers that could ruin everything. Being so pathetic that he couldn’t go one night without throwing up that he risked everything by throwing up in someone else’s room. Stealing Taeyong’s pills when he was obviously hurt and needed them. Mark. Everything that had to do with Mark. The fact that he was always lying. Always failing. Always making people worried. Always throwing up. Plus, everything hurt and he was hungry but he wasn’t eating and the cigarette didn’t help.

All this stress. So much stress that his eye was swimming in blood.

He needed to stop.

He couldn’t stop.

He didn’t want to.

On top of everything, he was terrified that Mark would say something and then everyone would figure it out. They’d force him to leave the group. Jungwoo would lose everything that was important to him. The one thing in his life he’d worked so hard for. The only thing he’d ever truly wanted.

Then Jungwoo would have to stop everything. For good.

“Hey…” Yuta moved in closer and wrapped his arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders. That’s when Jungwoo realized he was crying. A tear slowly dripped from the end of his nose onto his track pants as he bowed his head.

“What’s wrong?” Yuta whispered, his face pressed close to Jungwoo’s.

Jungwoo didn’t know where to start. He couldn’t say anything remotely close to the truth. So, he stuttered out the first safe answer that came to mind.

“M-Mark…” he stuttered out.

“Oh,” Yuta said. “It’s still weird between you two?”

Jungwoo nodded, shakily. Weird was an understatement. Had Mark said anything about their fight? About the shower? Jungwoo had no idea.

“Want me to talk to him?” Yuta asked.

“No!” Jungwoo shouted, louder than he thought he would. He even surprised himself.

“Okay,” Yuta said, quickly. “I have another idea. How about you switch? Room with me? And Mark can stay with Doyoung?”

Jungwoo remembered how he screamed at Mark that was going to find another roommate. But when he’d said it, he didn’t really mean it. He didn’t want a different roommate. He wanted to be a different person. Or he wanted to disappear. But that wasn’t possible, so actually, switching rooms was a good idea. Jungwoo nodded and tried to stop crying.

“Don’t worry about anything,” Yuta said. “I’ll take care of it. I won’t tell anyone what you said to me. I promise, babe.”

Yuta carefully took Jungwoo’s sunglasses off and gently ran his thumbs under Jungwoo’s eyes, wiping his tears away. Then he smiled, looking at Jungwoo closely. Jungwoo almost smiled back.

“When we get to our room in Santiago,” Yuta said, running his fingers through Jungwoo’s hair. Jungwoo rested his head on Yuta’s shoulder. “Let’s have a spa day. I’ve got some ideas. I’ll do your nails. I’m getting pretty good.”

Jungwoo did smile then because that sounded nice. Yuta took Jungwoo’s right hand. “What happened there?” Yuta pointed to a red scratch.

Jungwoo swallowed hard. He’d started using his toothbrush most of the time for this exact reason, but sometimes all he had were his fingers. It looked like he’d nicked his knuckle on his teeth last night. He hadn’t even noticed.

“I accidentally hit it against a wall,” Jungwoo lied. He was surprised he could think of something. The world was starting to dim, and it wasn’t just his sunglasses. The pill was making him feel better, but Yuta was too.

“I’ll put something on it when I give you a manicure. I’ll make sure you don’t get a scar.” Yuta lifted Jungwoo’s hand to his mouth and gave it a kiss. Jungwoo felt the corners of his mouth tugging up. Yuta kissed the top of Jungwoo’s head and held him tighter.

Jungwoo closed his eyes.

The world felt a little floaty.

Yuta smelled really good.

Jungwoo allowed himself to drift away.

*

It was dark by the time they got to their gate to board the plane for Santiago. Even darker with his sunglasses on. Truthfully, Jungwoo didn’t know where the day went. Maybe he spent it with Yuta? Everything felt in and out. He did get a new pair of sunglasses from Johnny. They were expensive, like most presents from Johnny, and they made it easier to see when he wore them indoors. He hadn’t eaten, that much he knew for sure. And he felt good, even though his stomach ached.

Jungwoo curled up in the airport chair. He was too big for it. His backpack was right at his feet. He never let it out of his sight.

Everything should have felt uncomfortable but Jungwoo felt fine. The trick was he didn’t feel. Not when he was high like this. He didn’t feel at all.

“Jungwoo-ah.” Taeyong appeared out of nowhere. But not really. They were all there, all his bandmates. Always around, somewhere in the airport.

They’d been split up during airport security. Jungwoo took the opportunity to slip away and take another pill. He told himself that he shouldn’t use them so fast. They were his exit plan.

53 left.

“Jungwoo!” Taeyong said again. This time he sounded kind of angry. Jungwoo wondered if he knew. He tried to focus.

“Huh?” Jungwoo forced himself to say.

“Why did you leave without saying anything to me?” Taeyong asked. “I was worried about you.”

Jungwoo pushed his sunglasses back up his nose. “Sorry, hyung,” he mumbled.

He waited but Taeyong didn’t sit down.

“You didn’t tell me about your eye,” Taeyong said, softly.

“It’s fine.” Jungwoo mumbled his standard answer.

“No, it’s not,” Taeyong said. “I’m sorry I didn’t help you more last night. Jungwoo, you have to tell people when you’re not fine.”

Do you tell people when you’re not fine? Jungwoo thought, remembering Taeyong shaking in the bathroom. He thought of his tiger balm and his absences and all his pills.

His leader had no room to talk.

“I will, hyung,” Jungwoo said, not looking at him. He wasn’t sure if Taeyong could tell.

It was so much easier to lie with sunglasses on.

They landed in Santiago at four in the morning, but that didn’t stop the fans. The crowd at the exit was so bad that they had to wait in a back room for an hour while their managers, staff, concert organizers, bodyguards and the police all tried to deal with the situation.

The room was empty except for a table with four chairs and a random sink in the back. Everyone settled down wherever they could. Jungwoo noticed that Yuta asked Mark to go in the hall with him.

“Jungwoo,” Doyoung called. He was sitting up against the wall and gestured for Jungwoo to sit next to him. Jungwoo laid on the floor and put his head in Doyoung’s lap. Travel had been hard before but right now it felt absolutely awful. Jungwoo could feel the misery rolling through the whole room.

Jungwoo’s pill had worn off a couple hours ago during the 8 hour flight. He wanted to take another one, but he didn’t dare. Not right now. Besides, he needed to save them.

Instead, he stayed very still as Doyoung stroked his hair. His sunglasses were pushed up crookedly on his face. Doyoung took them off. It didn’t matter. His eyes were closed anyway.

“I wanna go home,” Haechan moaned from the table.

Nobody said anything but Jungwoo could tell that everyone else felt the same way. The mood was heavy, pressing down on top of him. They were miserable. They were exhausted. The fans were a blessing and a curse. There was no world tour without them. They loved them. But they didn’t want to be trapped in an airport either.

“It’s okay,” Taeyong said. Unlike the others, he was standing straight up against the wall. “We’ll leave soon. I feel grateful they’re waiting for us.”

“Hyung!” Haechan said, sitting straight up at the table. “They shouldn’t be waiting for us. They should be in bed. Like we should be. I’m annoyed!”

“He has a point,” Johnny said, sitting on the floor, holding Jaehyun, who was completely passed out against him.

“We’ve been here an hour!” Haechan said. Taeil rubbed Haechan’s back as Haechan put his head down on the table.

“I know it’s hard,” Taeyong said. “But we’ll be in bed soon. I promise. You can sleep all day. We don’t have any schedules today.”

“I wanna be in bed nowwwww….” Haechan whined, his voice muffled.

“I wanna be in bed, too.” Taeil yawned widely.

“We’ll be in bed soon, stay calm,” Doyoung said, still stroking Jungwoo’s hair. Mark and Yuta came back in the room. Yuta went to stand next to Taeyong and Mark hurried to the other side of the room, where he sunk down to the floor.

“I agree with Haechan,” Johnny said, slowly. “You guys know I’m the world’s most optimistic guy, but I want to be real for a second. We’ve been followed on this tour from night one. You remember when Jungwoo chased one of those fans down on the boat? We keep ignoring and ignoring them before the gate, after the gate, past the gate… fine. But, yeah, sometimes it’s too much. It sucks. We don’t have to like it. It’s not okay.”

“Yeah!” Haechan piped up.

“Taeyong didn’t say we have to like it,” Doyoung said. “What are we supposed to do, Johnny?”

“I’m not saying we do anything. Just acknowledge the situation.”

“It’s only temporary,” Taeyong said. “It’s not worth getting upset over.”

“Everything’s temporary,” Johnny said. “Life’s temporary. All the more reason to be real in the moment.”

“You should be grateful for the fans,” Taeyong said.

“We can be grateful for them. We don’t always have to like them.”

“Don’t say that, Johnny,” Taeyong said, a sharper edge to his voice. Jungwoo didn’t know why, but this conversation was starting to make him feel a little nervous.

Johnny scoffed. “Aren’t the fans the reason we barely see you now?”

“Johnny…”

“I’ve asked you why you keep doing this,” Johnny said, looking up at Taeyong from where he was sitting on the floor. “I can look out for the team. Hell, we can all look out for ourselves. So, I don’t think we’re the reason you’re doing this. Is it the _fans_?”

There was something different about Johnny’s voice when he said that. Jungwoo didn’t know how to place it. Not sarcastic, exactly. Accusatory.

Everyone was listening. Taeyong didn’t say anything, but he gave Johnny a look that clearly told him to stop. Johnny stared back at him, unwavering. Jungwoo had never seen them look at each other like that before.

It was so quiet in the room that they could hear the echo of the water dripping into the sink.

What were Johnny and Taeyong fighting about?

“Wait, are we arguing?” Yuta asked, breaking the silence.

“Yes!” Haechan said. “Keep going!”

A sob pierced the terse silence. At first, Jungwoo wondered if it was him. But it wasn’t. He glanced over to the corner and saw Mark sitting there with his face in his hands. Johnny got up quickly and went over to Mark. Jaehyun leaned against the wall, looking dazed but awake now.

“What’s going on?” Jaehyun asked, his voice hoarse.

Jungwoo looked up at Doyoung questioningly. Doyoung had been staring at Johnny and Mark but he noticed Jungwoo’s look and glanced down again.

“Close your eyes,” he said, softly, stroking Jungwoo’s hair again.

“We just need sleep,” Yuta said, loud enough for everyone to hear. “Everybody’s on edge. It was a long flight. Everything will be better in the morning.”

Johnny scoffed. There were more sniffles and heavy breathing. No one said anything. Jungwoo wondered if other people were crying. Jungwoo kept his eyes closed.

Maybe his members were just as miserable as he was.

The thought made Jungwoo feel a little better. It also made him sad.

A half hour later, they finally left through some complicated back exit where they had wait outside at a fence for fifteen minutes before their vans finally pulled up.

Jungwoo’s phone buzzed while he was in the van, bumping towards the hotel in the pitch black of the early morning.

A text from Mark.

 **Mark** : Yuta told me that you’re switching rooms. He said that he knew and it doesn’t have anything to do with that but I know it does. I wanted to say that I’m sorry that I suck and I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry I can’t do emotions well and I suck as a best friend. I’m sorry you can’t trust me and I know I deserve it. I’m sorry that we’re not friends anymore. I wish I was a better friend to you Jungwoo. I’m sorry for everything. I won’t say anything. Please be careful.

Jungwoo read Mark’s text a couple of time. Jungwoo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He turned and looked out the window, watching city lights of Santiago passing them by. The streets were so quiet.

Jungwoo was in the clear. He didn’t have to worry.

Mark wasn’t going to say anything.

Jungwoo should have felt relieved.

But he didn’t.

Everyone was yawning in the hotel lobby. Fans were already there, crowded around the door as their managers handed out room key.

“Hey…” Yuta said. Jungwoo leaned down a little to listen as Yuta spoke quietly into his ear.

“I have an idea for our spa day,” Yuta said. “But… if I upgrade the room, it’ll only have one bed. Is that okay?”

Jungwoo nodded, stifling a yawn. Yuta grinned and handed him a room key.

“Come on,” he said, patting Jungwoo on the back. The fans screamed behind them. Jungwoo could hear the faint sounds of a camera shutter clicking over and over.

Jungwoo breathed a sigh of relief when the elevator doors finally closed.

“I know,” Yuta said, leaning against the elevator wall. “This really sucks sometimes.”

They were staying on one of the top floors. Yuta opened the hotel room door and ushered Jungwoo inside. This room was different than the standard double-bed rooms that Jungwoo had been sharing with Mark. It was a beautiful suite with a huge king bed, a large couch and glass doors that led out to a balcony where Jungwoo could see the sun start to peek out from over the horizon.

“Wow,” Jungwoo said.

“I know, it’s like we’re celebrities or something.” Yuta nudged him with a grin. “Check out the bathroom.”

Jungwoo opened the door.

It was a huge bathroom. Jungwoo noticed the surprise right away and turned to Yuta with a laugh.

“A hot tub!” Yuta declared.

“Does it turn into a time machine?” Jungwoo joked.

“What?” Yuta said.

“It’s a movie!” Jungwoo said. He slipped off his shoes and put his backpack down. He forgot how tired and miserable he was for a moment. He went to sit in the empty hot tub.

“I am a Hollywood movie star!” Jungwoo declared. “I’m sitting in the hot tub with my sunglasses on.”

Yuta laughed and came over to join him.

“This is how we’re going to relax,” Yuta said. “We’ll have breakfast, we’ll soak in the hot tub, we’ll do facials and I’ll do your nails. Then we’ll watch movies and eat dinner.” Yuta rested his head on Jungwoo’s shoulder with a smile.

Jungwoo liked the sound of everything except for the eating part.

He’d managed not to eat anything for the past 24 hours, which was good.

But there was no way for Jungwoo to get away with that now. Especially if they were going to spend the day together in the room.

And he couldn’t throw up either. Not under these circumstances.

He didn’t know what he was going to do.

Jungwoo tried not to think about it.

Maybe he could go one more day without throwing up.

“Jungwoo?” Yuta said, interrupting his thoughts. “How does that sound?”

Jungwoo smiled and for once, it wasn’t a lie. He did want to hang out with Yuta all day. He wanted to have fun.

He wanted to be happy.

“Sounds perfect, hyung,” Jungwoo said.

*

Jungwoo woke up to the smell of something delicious.

He rolled over in bed with a yawn and laid on his stomach for a few moments. He felt completely relaxed for the first time in a while.

“Rise and shine,” Yuta called. Jungwoo smiled when Yuta came over and flopped on the bed next to him. He ran his hand over Jungwoo’s hair, down his back and then smacked his butt. “I wondered when you were going to get up, sleepyhead.”

“Mmmm…” Jungwoo hummed with a giggle, burying his face in the pillow. “It smells good.”

“I know. I only order the good shit,” Yuta said. “How are you feeling?”

Jungwoo hummed again as Yuta buried his fingers in his hair. He didn’t know why, but the pressure of Yuta’s fingers on his scalp felt good.

“You need to get your roots done,” Yuta said.

Jungwoo rolled over to look at Yuta and wrinkled his nose. Yuta made a face back at him and tapped Jungwoo’s nose with his finger. Yuta was a much better blonde than Jungwoo was. Maybe he’d go back to black.

It was a little after 2pm now, so Jungwoo had slept for about 7 hours. It was nice to feel refreshed. It was nice to feel good without throwing up. Without pills.

It was just him.

Maybe Jungwoo could do this.

“How’s your eye?” Yuta asked, peering down at him. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s an eye,” Jungwoo said, opening his eyes wider.

“I’ll kiss it better,” Yuta said. Jungwoo closed his eyes with a surprised giggle when Yuta leaned over to actually kiss his eye. Yuta pushed Jungwoo’s hair back off his face. Jungwoo smiled as Yuta looked at him, closely.

“Thank you,” Jungwoo murmured.

“Just want you to know I’ll always be there for you,” Yuta said, still looking serious. “You can tell me anything.”

For once, Jungwoo didn’t want to lie. So, he didn’t say anything.

“You know that, Jungwoo?”

Jungwoo nodded, slowly.

“Okay.” Yuta smiled, pulling his hand back. He got off the bed, grabbed Jungwoo’s hands and pulled him up. “Come on, it’s time to eat.”

Jungwoo knew Yuta would be watching him during this meal, but for once, it didn’t make him feel nervous or annoyed. He felt different today. There was a large table in the dining area of the suite. Jungwoo walked over and examined the spread.

“There’s a stew,” Yuta said. “Bread with some different jams. Make your own tacos. Those fried potatoes are really good. Water. Orange juice. Champagne. We can make mimosas.”

“Make me one!” Jungwoo chirped, sitting down. He grabbed a hunk of the fresh bread and spread the first jam he grabbed on it. He didn’t know what it was, but it was orange and sweet. He liked it.

Yuta set his mimosa in front of him as Jungwoo finished making his first taco.

“I want to toast because I didn’t really get to in Mexico,” Jungwoo said, grabbing his drink. Yuta sat at the table next to him.

“What do you want to toast to?” Yuta asked, holding his own drink.

“I want to toast to being happy,” Jungwoo said, his cheeks heating up a bit.

“To being happy,” Yuta said, with a big grin. They clinked their glasses. Jungwoo sipped his mimosa.

He enjoyed the food without eating too much or eating too fast. It was a normal meal. He and Yuta didn’t talk too much. They didn’t have to. Jungwoo felt comfortable. He felt relaxed.

He wanted to savor this feeling.

“Okay, I’ve got an idea,” Yuta said, after their meal. “Hear me out, Woo.”

Jungwoo got up and went to sit on the bed. He’d had two mimosas, so he was feeling mellow, but not tipsy or drunk or anything. They weren’t strong. He crossed his legs underneath him and looked at Yuta.

“You said we could watch movies tonight,” Jungwoo reminded him. He’d barely watched a movie the whole time they’d been on tour. He wished they could go to the theater, but the room was the next best thing.

“Of course. We’ll get popcorn and shit. But this is what I’m thinking about now.” Yuta went to his bag and pulled out a large jar. He uncapped it and handed it to Jungwoo. “Smell it.”

Jungwoo took a deep breath. The stuff in the jar looked like wet sand but it smelled delicious—sweet and fruity, like tangy strawberries, citrus, and pure sugar.

“It’s a sugar scrub,” Yuta said. “It exfoliates your skin. For our spa day, I want to give you a body massage with this scrub. It feels good and it gets rid of all your dry skin. Plus…” Yuta smiled a little sheepishly. “Well, I think it’s a good way to… have a fresh start.”

Jungwoo suddenly felt shy with the way Yuta was looking at him.

How did he know how much Jungwoo needed a fresh start?

“It’ll feel nice,” Yuta said. “It’s relaxing.”

“Okay,” Jungwoo said, softly.

Yuta clapped his hands together. “Yes! I’m going to give you a good massage. Hold on.”

Jungwoo sat there while Yuta hurried around grabbing towels. He spread them out on the bed and placed the scrub next to it. He filled the ice bucket with hot water from the bathroom. He pulled out a couple of purple washcloths from his suitcase.

“You know, for the best massage, you have to be naked, Jungwoo,” Yuta said. “Or… you can keep your underwear on.”

Jungwoo paused. He undressed in front of his members often. It wasn’t his favorite, but it was part of the job.

But Yuta wanted to touch him. While he was completely naked.

What was Yuta going to think when he felt all the fat and the lumps? When he noticed how disgusting Jungwoo was?

Like Mark did.

Jungwoo didn’t think he could go through that again.

“Hey.” Yuta sat next to Jungwoo and nudged his side. “Why did you suddenly go a million miles away? I can’t give you a massage with your clothes on.”

Jungwoo slid his eyes over to Yuta and blushed. His face felt so warm.

Jungwoo didn’t say anything.

“I hate when you don’t talk to me,” Yuta said, with a pout. “But when you do, we have the best talks.”

Jungwoo looked down for a moment and nodded.

“I’m not sure you’ll want to touch me,” Jungwoo admitted, softly.

Yuta burst out with a laugh, but he pressed a hand over his mouth instantly.

“I’m not laughing at you,” Yuta said, quickly. “I’m not. It’s just… that’s the craziest thing you’ve ever said. And you’ve said a lot of crazy things.” Yuta smiled warmly. Jungwoo felt a little dumb.

“So…” Yuta prompted gently. “Why would you think I don’t want to touch you? I just offered.”

Jungwoo didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to say that Yuta didn’t know what he was getting into. That Yuta didn’t really know him. Not anymore.

“Is it because… you’re insecure about your body?” Yuta guessed.

Jungwoo nodded after a moment. Yuta’s guess was close enough. Jungwoo’s heart was racing as he stared at the wall across the room.

“I think it’s normal,” Yuta said. “Especially knowing what you’ve been through. But I’m here to tell you that you’re beautiful. I have no problem touching you. And there’s another reason I want to do this.” Yuta pressed his fingers under Jungwoo’s chin and turned his face so Jungwoo was forced to meet his eyes again. Jungwoo swallowed. Yuta smiled at him.

“I think that touch… it has a healing power. Being touched is a primal need. It’s something we all need. It can help you feel better. I feel like most of us go so long without it, especially when we’re on tour like this. I know you’ve been having a hard time, lately, Jungwoo. Let’s do something that’ll help your body feel better.”

Yuta was looking at him so intensely. Jungwoo could tell he really meant what he was saying. He truly believed it and he wanted Jungwoo to believe it, too.

If Yuta could see that he was having a hard time, could others see it, too?

Maybe he wasn’t as good at hiding this as he thought he was.

The thought scared him.

Yuta pressed his hands against Jungwoo’s waist when he didn’t say anything. “I don’t think you really see yourself when you look in the mirror,” Yuta said. “There’s nothing wrong with you, babe. I can show you. But… I only want to do this if you trust me.”

Jungwoo took a deep breath. He did trust Yuta. Not enough to tell him the whole truth, but more than he trusted anyone at the moment.

The truth was, he did want to feel better. Maybe Yuta really could help. Maybe the massage would be a good thing.

The power of touch.

Jungwoo nodded and took off his shirt.

“Okay,” he said.

“Have you gotten a massage before?” Yuta asked as Jungwoo got undressed.

“My back…” Jungwoo said, thinking about them doing massage chains in the practice room.

“I mean, a real massage,” Yuta said. “Like at a spa.”

Jungwoo thought about it. Then he figured if he had to think so hard, he probably hadn’t.

“Nothing I got naked for,” Jungwoo said. “Only at the company if I got like… a cramp in my leg.”

“Okay,” Yuta said. “Well, it’s nice. I’ll take you to a real spa when we get home. Just don’t feel weird if things… you know, things happen. It’s because I’m touching you and it feels nice. It’s just a natural reaction. It doesn’t mean anything. Don’t feel embarrassed. It’s not a big deal.”

It took a moment for Jungwoo to realize what Yuta was talking about. Then he raised his eyebrows.

“Has it happened to you, hyung?” Jungwoo asked. He stood up to take off his track pants and his underwear. Yuta gestured for him to lay down on the towels. Jungwoo laid down on his stomach.

“Ummmm…” Yuta said. “Yeah… but that was… it was more on purpose.”

Jungwoo giggled. He grabbed a pillow and pressed his face against it.

“Might be a little cold,” Yuta warned.

Jungwoo took a deep breath, breathing in the sweet smell of the sugar scrub as Yuta spread it across the back of his shoulders. It felt cold and a bit rough, but Yuta’s hands quickly warmed it up. Soon the scratchiness of the of the scrub started to feel good.

Yuta slowly rubbed his hand down Jungwoo’s back and up again. Jungwoo sighed as Yuta rubbed his hands in small circles across his shoulders, then swept his hands down to the small of his back. He brushed his hands down Jungwoo’s sides, giving them a little squeeze. Jungwoo’s body tensed for a moment. He wondered if Yuta was going to say anything about all the fat he felt there but Yuta didn’t. Yuta didn’t pause. He didn’t hesitate. He gave Jungwoo’s waist a little squeeze. Jungwoo relaxed.

“Is it okay?” Yuta asked. Jungwoo sighed happily.

“Uh huh…” he moaned.

Now he got why Yuta gave him that warning, especially when Yuta rubbed gentle circles over Jungwoo’s bare ass with the scrub. But it wasn’t exactly sexy. But, of course, being touched there was a little exciting. Mostly, Yuta’s massage was relaxing and soothing. Yuta’s hands felt so warm and caring. It was nice just to be touched, with no expectations or complications. Yuta touched him like he wasn’t afraid.

Like Jungwoo really was beautiful.

Now Jungwoo understood why Yuta said everyone needed to be touched.

“In the spa, they scrub everywhere,” Yuta said, while he gently kneaded the back of Jungwoo’s thigh, down to his calf. “Like between your ass cheeks.”

Jungwoo laughed. Yuta didn’t go between his ass cheeks but when he rubbed down to Jungwoo’s feet, he scrubbed between his toes.

“Yah!” Jungwoo cried, kicking his foot with a laugh but Yuta held it firmly.

“I’m massaging your foot!” Yuta said, tickling Jungwoo’s foot instead. Jungwoo laughed so hard he snorted. Then Yuta did give him a proper foot massage and it felt good, especially the way Yuta pressed his thumbs against the ball of his foot.

Yuta used the warm water in the ice bucket and the washcloth to gently wipe the grittiness of the sugar scrub away.

“Baby soft skin…” Yuta said, pressing his finger against the back of Jungwoo’s arm.

“Mmmm…” Jungwoo hummed.

He felt more relaxed than he had in a long time.

“Roll over, babe,” Yuta said.

Jungwoo flopped over with a smile. Yuta draped a towel over his crotch.

“I’m not hard,” Jungwoo joked. Yuta laughed and rolled his eyes.

“You’re relaxed, though, right?” Yuta asked. “Not thinking too much about… not doing that.”

Jungwoo nodded with his eyes closed. He was enjoying the massage and like Yuta said, if it happened, it happened.

Yuta rubbed over Jungwoo’s chest briskly in small circles and then up and down his arms. Jungwoo felt a little shiver when Yuta massaged his lower stomach. He wondered if Yuta could tell how flabby and soft it was, but Yuta didn’t flinch.

“I like looking at your face,” Yuta said. Jungwoo opened his eyes and caught Yuta looking down into his eyes with a smile as he worked his hands over Jungwoo’s hips.

“Even with my eye?” Jungwoo said, closing his right eye.

“Especially with your eye.” Yuta smiled and shook his head. “It’ll go away. Your face is still pretty. But that’s not why I like looking at your face.”

“Why?” Jungwoo slowly opened his eye again.

Yuta grinned down at him. “So, I know you’re okay. I can tell by your face.”

Jungwoo stopped smiling for a moment. “You can tell when I’m not okay?”

Yuta nodded. “Yes. So, don’t try to hide it. Okay?”

Jungwoo closed his eyes as Yuta kissed his cheek.

Yuta couldn’t really tell. Could he?

Maybe Jungwoo wasn’t as good at lying as he thought.

Jungwoo kept his eyes closed as Yuta massaged his thigh, then all the way down his legs. This time Jungwoo didn’t flinch when Yuta rubbed the top of his foot. He smiled at the way Yuta tenderly massaged each foot with the scrub and then gently wiped them down, warming his feet with the washcloth.

“I’m good as new,” Jungwoo declared, finally opening his eyes again when the massage was over.

“I don’t want new.” Yuta leaned down and kissed Jungwoo’s shoulder. “You’re perfect the way you are. I want you the same as always, only you feel good.”

“I feel good, hyung,” Jungwoo said, smiling. He wasn’t lying. He wondered if Yuta really knew that. The way Yuta smiled back at him made Jungwoo think that he knew.

Jungwoo ran a hand down his arm. Then he smoothed his hands over his stomach. He didn’t feel as gross as it usually did. His skin felt super smooth and soft. His whole body was completely relaxed. He smelled amazing. It felt like all the shame and sadness and stress he’d been feeling for the past couple of days had been scrubbed away.

He felt clean. He really did feel good.

“Can I give you a massage, too, hyung?” Jungwoo asked, wanting to share this feeling. “I won’t do as good as you, but I’ll try.”

Jungwoo rose up on his knees. There was definitely truth in what Yuta said.

Everybody needed to be touched.

Yuta smiled and took off his shirt.

*

After their massages, they took a quick rinse off in the shower as the hot tub filled up and then they slipped inside. Jungwoo climbed in after Yuta, sinking down under the bubbling water. He sat on the bench, right in front of a jet that pulsed water against the small of his back. Another massage. It felt good, but not as good as Yuta’s hands. Jungwoo imagined his skin was smoother than it was when he was a baby. Softer too. He rubbed his thigh under the water.

Jungwoo noticed Yuta staring at him and wondered if he was being weird.

“What?” Jungwoo asked, smiling self-consciously.

“I was thinking about how I’m jealous of you,” Yuta said.

“What?” Jungwoo repeated with a laugh.

“Your body proportions,” Yuta said. “They’re amazing.”

Jungwoo laughed out in surprise, his eyes widening. “What?”

“What?” Yuta copied him and then laughed a little. “You heard what I said.”

“Hyung…” Jungwoo looked down at himself and made a face.

“I know you don’t see it,” Yuta said. “That’s why I’m telling you. Your long legs. The way they match your torso and your arms. Your small waist. When you wear simple outfits like a t-shirt and jeans, you really make them pop. You look like a long, lanky model. You are one. Your body is perfect.”

Jungwoo sucked in his breath. He clenched his jaw, looking down at himself. What was Yuta talking about? It was one thing to let Yuta touch him, but he didn’t want to talk about it.

“I’ve gained weight…” Jungwoo said, numbly.

“I think you’ve lost some,” Yuta said. “Since the beginning of the tour. But… that doesn’t matter. Whether you lost or gained, it doesn’t matter, Jungwoo. You’re perfect just the way you are. I wanted to tell you that. Like I said before… don’t change.”

Jungwoo looked into Yuta’s eyes, staring at him so earnestly.

Jungwoo almost believed him.

They soaked in the hot tub for a long time, just relaxing. The whole place smelled like the fruity body scrub, sweet enough for Jungwoo to want to eat the air.

Jungwoo felt like an overcooked noodle when he got out of the hot tub. It was a good feeling. He was loose and relaxed. They didn’t bother getting dressed. They just put on their underwear under the plush hotel bathrobes. Then they did facials with two different face masks and some expensive face cream Yuta bought in LA. Afterward, Jungwoo’s face was just as soft as his freshly scrubbed skin.

Jungwoo sat across from Yuta at the table while Yuta gave him a manicure. Yuta clipped and filed his nails. He rubbed some oil into his cuticles and all over his hands. He tapped some kind of ointment over the abrasion on Jungwoo’s right hand and asked if it hurt. Jungwoo shook his head.

“What color do you want?” Yuta asked. Jungwoo examined his fingers. They looked so delicate in Yuta’s hands.

“No color,” Jungwoo said.

“How about I use clear,” Yuta said, looking up at Jungwoo. “But… I’ve got these cool jewels. Let me put on a couple. They’ll look really cool on stage. I promise.”

Jungwoo smiled and nodded. Yuta carefully painted the clear polish on and dotted every other nail with a couple of small jewels. Jungwoo didn’t know what they were but they looked like little round diamonds. They sparkled in the golden light pouring in the room from the sunset.

“Beautiful,” Yuta said, giving Jungwoo’s fingers a kiss.

Jungwoo felt like it would be a shame to stick his glossy fingers down his throat and ruin a beautiful manicure.

A part of him wondered if that’s why Yuta did it.

They ended their spa day with a movie marathon. They ordered pizza and popcorn and candy from room service and sprawled out on the bed to watch Hot Tub Time Machine and Hot Tub Time Machine 2 back to back. Jungwoo told himself he would only eat a little bit, but he ended up pigging out. Maybe it was normal. Jungwoo didn’t know anymore. Yuta ate just as much as he did while they cuddled and giggled and watched the movie. Jungwoo couldn’t remember when he had a better night. A better day. He felt so relaxed, and all the food made him sleepy. Yuta played with his hair while he rested his head on Yuta’s chest. That made him sleepy too. The second movie was only halfway over but Jungwoo decided to close his eyes.

When he opened them, Yuta was staring down at him.

“We had a nice day together, didn’t we?” Yuta asked.

“Yes, hyung.” Jungwoo nodded. The movie wasn’t playing anymore. He was disappointed he missed the ending.

“You know, I was thinking about something,” Yuta asked. “Why do you think you’re still a virgin?”

“Um…” Jungwoo rubbed the back of his neck, his face growing hot. He remembered Mark’s pained expression when he told Jungwoo that he wanted to wait for love. Jungwoo swallowed hard, feeling a knot in his stomach.

“Do you wish we could change that?” Yuta said, tipping his head to the side. He slipped off his robe, so he was only in his underwear. “I was disappointed you didn’t get hard for me.”

Jungwoo bit his bottom lip, not sure what to say.

“You know what I said today,” Yuta said. “About your body?”

Jungwoo nodded slowly. He’d thought Yuta was trying to cheer him up. But was he actually coming onto him?

“What do you think about my body?” Yuta asked. “You never said.”

“Well—” Jungwoo took a sharp breath in. “I like it, hyung.”

“Way better than yours, right?”

Jungwoo nodded.

“Yeah.” Yuta laughed, but it was a different laugh than Jungwoo had been hearing all day. He looked at his hyung, confused. “You’re really stupid, you know that?”

The smile slipped off Jungwoo’s face.

Yuta continued to laugh that terrible laugh. “I wanted to see how far I could take it. You fell for it every time.”

Jungwoo’s heart started beating faster. He wasn’t sure what he was hearing right now.

“Everything I said about your body was a lie. Perfect body proportions? You’re not fat? You seriously fell for it.” Yuta scoffed a mean little laugh. “You really thought I liked to look at you? I like to touch you? That I would ever wanna fuck you? You’re disgusting. Mark and I talked about it in the hallway. He never thought I would get this far. But I’ll do anything to win a bet.”

Jungwoo looked down at the bed as his body started to shake. He could see the remains of everything he ate piled on the table. Most of a pizza. An entire bag of popcorn. All this candy, like a whole bag of M&Ms. What had he been thinking? Jungwoo glanced up at Yuta again. He felt frozen by Yuta’s cruel smile.

“You’re always out of control,” Yuta said. “I see you eating like a pig. I was texting about it now. It’s no wonder you’re so fat. I asked Mark how he could be so desperate. Touching you for just an hour was the biggest mistake of my life. I was sooooooo grossed out. You’re not beautiful. You’re a fat, ugly, untalented, unstable, messed up, crazy loser. I don’t know how you can stand yourself, babe.” Yuta tipped his head back and laughed again.

Jungwoo clenched his jaw. He told himself he wasn’t going to cry. But he could feel the tears pressing against his eyes. Especially his right eye. It felt like it was going to burst. Maybe he would start crying blood instead of tears.

“And don’t think I don’t know about you being in the shower all the time. Mark told me that, too,” Yuta said, still laughing like Jungwoo’s life was a complete joke. Which—Jungwoo realized with a sinking feeling in his stomach—it totally was.

“You should probably start making yourself throw up more,” Yuta said. “It’s not working. And if we’re lucky, your other eye will explode. Or maybe your throat. Maybe you’ll choke to death on your own blood.”

Jungwoo felt like he was choking now.

“We’re so much better without you,” Yuta said. “When are you going to get the hint that you don’t belong here? When are you going to leave?”

Jungwoo thought about the pills in his backpack.

Did Yuta know about those, too?

He really couldn’t breathe. Maybe this was how it ended. Maybe this was for the best.

“Jungwoo!” Yuta screamed in his face. Jungwoo closed his eyes as waited for it to be over. “Jungwoo!”

Jungwoo was so stupid to think that anyone could ever want him or care about him or think he was beautiful. Tears streamed down his face. His breath was coming out in choking gasps. His heart hurt so much.

“Jungwoo!” Yuta shook him hard. Jungwoo’s chest heaved with a sob. “Jungwoo, wake up!”

Jungwoo’s eyes flew open.

“Jungwoo!” Yuta said again. His robe was on. Jungwoo realized that Yuta’s arms were around him and Yuta’s face was pressed in close to his. Jungwoo really was shaking. A sob was trapped in his throat. He felt the warm tears trickling down into his mouth.

“You were dreaming,” Yuta said, firmly. “You’re okay, now.”

Jungwoo couldn’t seem to get a breath past the lump in his throat.

“Baby, calm down,” Yuta said, rubbing Jungwoo’s back and holding him closely. “Breathe. It’s okay. It was just a dream. Breathe, Jungwoo, I think you’re having a panic attack. Just breathe. I’m right here. Take a deep breath.”

Jungwoo’s lungs wouldn’t work. His body wasn’t cooperating. His heart was racing so fast that his whole body was trembling. He felt dizzy and hot, sweating under his arms. He tried taking a couple of gasping breaths, but it triggered his sensitive gag reflex. Or maybe his body thought it had been too long. Or maybe his stomach had enough of how disgusting Jungwoo was. It didn’t matter.

Jungwoo lurched forward, vomiting all over the bed.

“Fuck!” Yuta exclaimed, letting him go. “Oh—Jungwoo!”

Jungwoo threw up again. Tears were running down his face. This wasn’t like how it usually was. Right now, he felt totally out of control.

“Oh shit.” He felt Yuta jump off the bed. Jungwoo couldn’t move. Yuta grabbed the towels off the floor from their massage session and threw them over the mess.

“Are you—” Yuta’s sentence was cut off by his own gagging. Jungwoo didn’t blame him. He closed his eyes tight.

He was totally disgusting.

Yuta tugged Jungwoo off the bed and pulled him to the bathroom.

“Jungwoo, take off your robe.” Yuta swallowed hard. When Jungwoo opened his eyes and dared look, he could see they were both covered in it. Yuta dropped his robe on the bathroom floor.

Then there was that vomit smell. It wasn’t just in Jungwoo’s nose now. It was everywhere, overpowering the sweet, fruity smell that had been lingering in the room all day. When Jungwoo peeked at his hyung out of the corner of his eye, he could tell that Yuta was barely holding on. His face was completely white.

“Get… you should take a shower,” Yuta choked out. Jungwoo untied his robe, slowly. He could barely look at Yuta and maybe Yuta wasn’t looking at him either. He saw Yuta glance back towards the bed.

“It’s okay…” Yuta said. But Jungwoo knew it wasn’t okay. He sniffed, standing there in his underwear. What had been a dream and what had been real? Jungwoo couldn’t tell. He wasn’t sure if he had been dreaming at all because this was the real nightmare.

He saw Yuta take a short breath and grimace. “Jungwoo, I’m going to get someone to clean up. I’ll be right back. I’m just going to get someone. Take a shower. You’ll—you’ll be okay. Take a shower and you’ll feel better, okay?”

There was no hug. There was no kiss. There was no touching him. Yuta left as fast as he could. A moment later, Jungwoo heard the door swing shut as Yuta left the room.

Jungwoo stood there alone in the bathroom, shaking.

Jungwoo knew the truth. Yuta couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He wasn’t sure if his hyung would ever come back. Jungwoo didn’t blame him.

Jungwoo turned and looked at himself in the mirror.

Jungwoo’s face was red from crying and throwing up. He had vomit down his chin. His eye was still bloody and scary.

How dare he think he could have one good day. Or that Yuta would still want to be around him if he saw the real Jungwoo.

He was so stupid.

Yuta talked about being all smooth and clean and having a fresh start and the healing power of touch.

Well, it was over now.

Jungwoo was ruined once again.

Jungwoo looked over at the toilet. He thought he might as well finish the job. He’d eaten a lot today.

He didn’t feel like finding his toothbrush, so he used his freshly manicured fingers. The stupid jewels scratched the back of his throat. He gagged himself until there wasn’t even any bile left and the only thing dripping from his mouth into the toilet was blood.

Yet he still had so much trapped inside him.

When he was done, he didn’t feel any of the euphoria he really did. All he felt was dirty and gross and tired and painfully alone. Yuta hadn’t come back yet. Jungwoo knew that was for the best.

Jungwoo sat back on the floor and ripped the nail jewels off one-by-one.

He didn’t bother with a shower. Back in the bedroom, he looked over the vomit covered sheets. Jungwoo pulled them off the bed, carefully wrapped them in a heap and placed them near the door. He didn’t know what to do about the smell. He wasn’t sure there was anything they could do. It felt like a stain in the air. The mark of Jungwoo’s continued failure. His shame.

Then he noticed Yuta’s phone on the floor. He’d probably dropped it in all the chaos. It hadn’t locked yet. Yuta’s KakaoTalk group chat was still open.

 **Yuta** : What did you do today?

 **Johnny** : You don’t want to know.

 **Johnny** : Jaehyun says hi.

 **Doyoung** : Slept

 **Yuta** : Morning!

 **Yuta** : Johnny did Mark say what he was crying about?

 **Johnny** : He just said he was tired.

 **Yuta** : Says the kid who has three million jobs.

 **Johnny** : Yeah I didn’t believe it either.

 **Johnny** : But they got us on a tour with no end in sight so who knows.

 **Doyoung** : It wasn’t anyone’s finest hour

 **Yuta** : John are you still pissed off?

 **Johnny** : Not sure.

 **Doyoung** : You need to give Taeyong a break

 **Johnny** : Maybe he needs to give me a break.

 **Johnny** : How was spa day?

 **Yuta** : Fun. The hot tub only had 3 settings though.

 **Doyoung** : the horror

 **Yuta** : We’re watching a movie now. He’s asleep.

 **Jaehyun** : How’s Jungwoo?

 **Yuta** : Okay I think? I wanted to hype him up.

 **Doyoung** : that’s sweet of you

 **Johnny** : What’s up with him being so spacy?

 **Yuta** : He wasn’t like that today.

 **Johnny** : All day yesterday he was out of it.

 **Jaehyun** : You didn’t see anything?

 **Yuta** : No and you know I’ve asked him.

 **Yuta** : I do see he’s lost weight.

 **Doyoung** : I’ve been concerned but

 **Doyoung** : can’t put my finger on it

 **Johnny** : I don’t know. I’m starting to think this tour is making everyone crazy.

 **Johnny** : Even I lost weight and I’m not trying.

 **Jaehyun** : Keep an eye on him Yuta.

 **Yuta** : He’s my project!

The conversation continued after that, but Jungwoo stopped reading. In fact, even now, the phone buzzed with a new message from the group. But Jungwoo’s eyes couldn’t focus on anything but the last thing he read.

His project?

Jungwoo was so stupid to think that Yuta actually cared about him.

So stupid to think they weren’t still talking about him all the time. Behind his back. Just like the last time. Everyone was always talking about him.

And now Yuta was going to tell them about how Jungwoo had a stupid dream and freaked out and threw up everywhere. How totally disgusting and crazy he was. They would laugh. They would be grossed out. They would hate him.

Jungwoo dropped Yuta’s phone back on the floor.

His backpack was in the corner, thankfully untouched. Jungwoo pulled his pills from the bottom. If he took them all now, he wouldn’t have to worry about this anymore. He wanted to stop thinking. He wanted to stop feeling so bad. He wanted to stop ruining everything and everyone around him.

Everything was worse when he was around.

Maybe this was his real fresh start.

The door rattled. Jungwoo quickly stuffed the pills back in his bag and stood up, shakily.

Yuta rushed in. He was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie and his blonde hair was all messy. A cleaning crew followed him, carrying tons of supplies.

“Jungwoo, you didn’t shower?” Yuta said, hurrying over to him.

Jungwoo stared at the cleaning crew who had already taken the soiled sheets away. They started spraying the bed.

Yuta put his arm around Jungwoo’s waist, ushered him to the bathroom and closed the door.

“Baby don’t worry about it,” Yuta said. He reached for Jungwoo’s face, holding him firmly. Jungwoo wished he had his sunglasses on. Even with his bloody eye and vomit on his face, Yuta didn’t look away.

“Jungwoo, don’t go a million miles away from me,” Yuta pleaded. “Please don’t. You were having a bad dream. You couldn’t help it. I’m so sorry, Jungwoo. You take a shower and by the time you’re done, they’ll be done, and we can lay down again. We can talk about it. I promise it’s going to be okay. I promise. It’s okay, Woo…”

Jungwoo closed his eyes as Yuta wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a hug. He knew he still smelled. He knew that he was only Yuta’s “project”. He knew that whatever he told Yuta would go straight back to them. Yuta was going to tell everyone about this. Jungwoo couldn’t stand thinking about that.

Yuta didn’t let him go even though Jungwoo stood there stiffly.

Jungwoo let his guard down. First with Mark. Then with Yuta.

It blew up in his face every time.

He couldn’t trust anyone.

Jungwoo stepped out of Yuta’s arms. “I’ll take a shower by myself now, hyung,” Jungwoo said. He stared down at Yuta until Yuta nodded and left, heading back into the hotel room that Jungwoo had ruined.

Jungwoo was alone.

Just like he deserved.

Every time he let someone get to close, they saw the real him. And they were disgusted. Yuta was being polite for now, but it was only a matter of time before he’d want nothing to do with Jungwoo. Just like Mark.

Worse than that, they got too close to his secret.

It was the only thing that kept him holding on.

Jungwoo wasn’t going to let this happen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoooo this was a doozy to write. Very intense. But also some sweet and caring moments too. How much longer can Jungwoo keep going like this? I'm not sure. He’s reaching a breaking point. 
> 
> I love reading your thoughts. Leave them for me in the comments or drop them in my CC. Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> You can find me here:  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/cherrysodapop14)
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.qa/cherrysodakpop14)


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